HAP-HAZARD, 


BY 


KATE    FIELD. 


BOSTON: 
JAMES    R.    OSGOOD   AND   COMPANY, 

Late  Ticknor  &  Fields,  and  Fields,  Osgood,  &  Co. 
I873- 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1873, 
rtf  BJT    JAMES    R  ,OSGOO;0    XND    COMPANY, 

in  the,'  Office  of  tfie' .  Librarian  o,r, Congress,  at  Washington. 


UNIVERSITY  PRESS:  WELCH,  BIGELOW,  &  Co, 
CAMBRIDGE. 


ALL  YOUNG  WOMEN  IN  SEARCH  OF  CAREERS 
OR  TITLED  HUSBANDS. 


449475 


PREFACE 


EPRODUCED  (with  revisions)  from 
j  Every  Saturday,  The  New  York  Trib 
une,  and  The  American  Register  of 
Paris,  the  contents  of  this  volume  lay  no  claim  to 
profundity.  If  their  perusal  entertains  the  Ameri 
can  at  home,  and  leads  the  American  abroad  to 
commit  one  folly  the  less,  my  highest  ambition 
will  be  realized. 

THE  AUTHOR. 

NEW  YORK,  May,  1873. 


CONTENTS. 


PAIJT  i. 


LEAVES  FROM  A  LECTURER'S  NOTE 
BOOK. 


A  NIGHT  IN  A  ROCKING-CHAIR 
TRAVELLING  COMPANIONS     . 
IN  THE  DARK  .... 
JOHN  BROWN'S  FRIENDS 
TRUE  STORIES     . 
CONCERNING  AUDIENCES 
GOING  UP  THE  OHIO 
RUMINATING  ANIMALS   . 
A  RIVAL  ENTERTAINMENT 
A  LECTURE  ON  MASKS  . 


PAGE 
.  11 

21 
.  30 

34 
.  3D 

47 
.  55 

65 
. .  71 

82 


PART- II.     AMERICANS   ABROAD. 

AT  SEA     .                         93 

A  MARTYR  TO  FREE  SPEECH       .        .        .        .  101 

THE  DIVINE  RIGHT  or  KINGS,  AND  KIXGSLEY      .  105 

OPENING  OF  PARLIAMENT 115 

REPUBLICANISM  IN  ENGLAND 125 


viii  CONTENTS. 

THE  THANKSGIVING  SERVICE      ....  136 

SECOND  THOUGHTS  ABOUT  THE  THANKSGIVING       .  149 

REPUBLICANISM  IN  PARLIAMENT.        .        .        .  156 

AN  AFTER-DINNER  SPEECH 16t> 

SPECIMEN  AMERICANS 171 

HEAT  AND  IMPUDENCE 179 

SOUR  GRAPES  AND  SNOBBERY      ....  188 
THE  GLORIOUS  FOURTH  AND  so  FORTH  .        .        .198 

ROYALTY  EN  DESHABILLE 207 

THEATRE  ROYAL,  BERLIN 215 

AMERICAN  FOLLY 223 

A  TRAIN  OF  THOUGHT 229 

LONDON  AND  THE  ENGLISH          .        .        .        .  237 
EUROPEAN  VERSUS  AMERICAN  WOMEN    .        .        .245 


PART    I. 

LEAVES   FROM  A  LECTURER'S 
NOTE-BOOK. 


LEAVES  FROM  A  LECTURER'S 
NOTE-BOOK. 


A   NIGHT    IN   A   ROCKING-CHAIR. 

T  may  be  true  that  America  is  going  to 
perdition ;  that  all  Americans  are  ras 
cals  ;  that  there  are  no  American  gentle 
men;  that  culture,  refinement,  and  social  manners 
can  only  be  found  in  the  Old  World  :  but  if  it  be 
true,  what  an  extraordinary  anomaly  it  is  that 
women,  old  and  young,  ugly  and  handsome,  can 
travel  alone  from  one  end  of  this  great  country  to 
the  other,  receiving  only  such  attention  as  is  ac 
ceptable.  Having  journeyed  up  and  down  the  land 
to  the  extent  of  twenty  thousand  miles,  I  am  per 
suaded  that  a  woman  can  go  anywhere  and  do  any 
thing,  provided  she  conducts  herself  properly.  Of 
course  it  would  be  absurd  to  deny  that  it  is  not 
infinitely  more  agreeable  to  be  accompanied  by 
the  "  tyrant "  called  "  man  "  ;  but  when  there  is 


1 :  >  A   L  K  C  T  L'R KR '  S  .N  0  TE  B  0  OK. 

no  tyrant  to  come  to  lovely  woman's  rescue,  it  is 
astonishing  how  well  lovely  woman  can  rescue 
herself,  if  she  exerts  the  brain  and  muscle,  given 
her  thousands  of  years  ago,  and  not  entirely  an 
nihilated  by  long  disuse.  1  have  been  nowhere 
that  I  have  not  been  treated  with  greater  consid 
eration  than  if  I  had  belonged  to  the  other  sex. 
There  is  not  a  country  in  Europe  of  which  this 
can  be  said ;  and  if  a  nation's  civilization  is  gauged 
—  as  the  wise  declare  —  by  its  treatment  of  wo 
men,  then  America,  rough  as  it  may  be,  badly 
dressed  as  it  is,  tobacco-chewing  as  it  often  is, 
stands  head,  shoulders,  and  heart  above  all  the 
rest  of  the  world.  The  Frenchwoman  was  right 
in  declaring  America  to  be  le  paradis  des  dames, 
and  those  women  who  exalt  European  gallantry 
above  American  honesty  are  as  blind  to  their  own 
interests  as  an  owl  at  high  noon. 

There  is  no  royal  railroad  to  lecturing.  At  best 
it  is  hard  work,  but  lecture  committees  "  do  their 
possible,"  as  the  Italians  say,  to  lessen  the  weight, 
and  that  "possible"  is  heartily  appreciated  by 
such  of  us  as  inwardly  long  for  a  natural  bridge 
between  stations  and  hotels.  A  woman  is  never 
so  forlorn  as  when  getting  out  of  a  car  or  entering 
a  strange  hotel. 

However,  there  never  was  a  rule  without  its  ex- 


A  NIGHT  IN  A  ROCKING-CHAIR.  13 

ception,  and  though  courtesy  has  marked  the  ma 
jority  of  lecture  committees  for  its  own,  a  lecturer 
may  occasionally  find  himself  stranded  upon  a 
desert  of  indifference,  and  languish  for  the  com 
forts  of  a  home  not  twenty  miles  distant.  Thus 
it  happened  that  once  upon  arriving  at  my  des 
tination  when  the  shades  of  evening  were  falling 
fast,  and  glancing  about  for  the  customary  smil 
ing  gentlemen  who  smooth  out  the  rough  places 
by  carrying  bags,  superintending  the  transporta 
tion  of  luggage,  and  driving  you  to  your  abiding- 
place  in  the  best  carriage  of  the  period,  I  found  no 
gentlemen,  smiling  or  otherwise,  to  deliver  me 
from  my  own  ignorance. 

"  Carriage,  ma'am  1 "  screamed  a  Jehu  in  top- 
boots  ornamented  with  a  grotesque  tracery  of  mud. 

Well,  yes,  I  would  take  a  carriage ;  so  up  I 
clambered  and  sat  down  upon  what  in  the  dark 
ness  I  supposed  was  a  seat,  but  what  gave  such 
palpable  evidences  of  animation  in  howls  and  at 
tempts  at  assault  and  battery,  as  to  prove  its 
right  to  be  called  a  boy.  "An'  sure  the  lady 
didn't  mane  to  hurt  ye,  Jimmy,"  expostulated 
something  that  turned  out  to  be  the  boy's  mother, 
whereupon  a  baby  and  a  small  sister  of  the  small 
boy  sent  forth  their  voices  in  unison  with  that  of 
their  extinguished  brother. 


14  A  LECTURER'S  NOTE-BOOK. 

"  Driver,  let  me  get  out,"  I  said  pathetically. 

"Certainly,  ma'am,  but  where  will  you  go  to? 
There  ain't  no  other  carriage  left." 

True ;  and  I  remained,  and  when  I  was  asked 
where  I  wanted  to  stop,  I  really  did  not  know. 
Was  there  a  hotel  ?  Yes.  Was  there  more  than 
one  hotel ']  No.  I  breathed  more  freely,  and  said 
1  would  go  to  the  hotel. 

The  driver  evidently  entertained  a  poor  opinion 
of  my  mental  capacity,  for  he  mumbled  to  him 
self  that  "people  who  didn't  know  where  they 
was  agoin'  had  nuff  sight  better  stay  at  home," 
and  deposited  me  at  the  hotel  with  a  caution 
against  pickpockets.  This  was  sufficiently  humil 
iating,  yet  were  there  lower  depths.  Entering 
the  parlor,  I  found  it  monopolized  by  a  }Toung 
lady  in  green  silk  and  red  ribbons,  and  a  pink 
young  man  with  his  hair  parted  in  the  middle  and 
his  shirt-bosom  resplendent  with  brilliants  of  the 
last  water.  They  were  at  the  piano,  singing 
"  Days  of  Absence "  Jn  a  manner  calculated  to 
depress  the  most  buoyant  spirits.  I  rang  the 
bell,  and  the  green  young  lady  and  pink  young 
man  began  on  the  second  verse.  No  answer. 
Again  I  rang  the  bell,  and  the  songsters  began  on 
the  third  verse.  No  answer.  Once  more  I  rang 
the  bell,  and  the  green  young  lady  and  pink  young 


A  NIGHT  IN-  A  ROCKING-CHAIR.  15 

man  piped  upon  the  touching  lay  of  "  Xo  one  to 
love."  Little  cared  those  "two  souls  with  but  a 
single  thought,  two  hearts  that  beat  as  one,"  for 
the  third  heart  and  soul,  victim  of  misplaced  con 
fidence.  Ring  !  I  rang  that  bell  until  I  ached  to 
be  a  man  for  one  brief  moment.  Does  a  man  ever 
endure  such  torture  1  No.  He  puts  on  his  hat, 
walks  into  the  hotel  office,  gives  somebody  a  piece 
of  his  mind,  and  demands  the  satisfaction  of  a 
gentleman.  But  a  woman  can  go  to  no  office. 
She  must  remain  up  stairs  and  cultivate  patience 
on  hunger  and  thirst  and  a  general  mortification 
of  the  senses.  "  Victory,  or  destruction  to  the 
bell !  "  I  said  at  last,  and  pulled  the  rope  with  the 
desperation  of  a  maniac. 

"Did  you  ring?"  asked  a  mild  clerk,  enter 
ing  on  the  tips  of  his  toes  as  if  there  were  not 
enough  of  him  to  warrant  so  extravagant  an  ex 
penditure  as  the  use  of  his  whole  sole.  Did  I 
ring  1  I  who  had  been  doing  nothing  else  for  half 
an  hour!  I  who  had  but  forty-five  minutes  in 
which  to  eat  my  supper  and  dress  for  the  lecture  ! 
Presenting  my  card,  I  desired  the  mild  clerk  to 
show  me  to  my  room.  The  mild  clerk  was  exceed 
ingly  sorry,  but  the  committee  had  left  no  order, 
and  there  was  not  a  vacant  room  in  the  house  ! 

"  What  am  I  to  do  T'  I  asked  in  agony  of  spirit. 
"I  must  have  a  room." 


16  A  LECTURER'S  NOTE- BO  OK. 

Must  is  an  overpowering  word.  Only  say  must 
with  all  the  emphasis  of  which  it  is  capable,  and 
longings  are  likely  to  be  realized. 

Well,  the  mild  clerk  did  n't  know  but  as  how  he 
might  turn  out  and  let  me  have  his  room. 

Blessed  man  !  Had  I  been  pope,  he  should  have 
been  canonized  on  the  spot.  Following  him  up 
several  steep  nights  of  stairs,  lighted  by  a  kerosene 
lamp  that  perfumed  the  air  as  only  kerosene  can, 
I  was  at  last  ushered  into  a  room  where  sat  a 
young  girl  knitting.  She  seemed  to  be  no  more 
astonished  at  my  appearance  than  were  the  chairs 
and  table,  merely  remarking,  when  we  were  left 
alone,  "  That 's  my  father.  I  suppose  you  won't 
have  any  objections  to  my  staying  here  as  long  as 
I  please."  How  could  I,  an  interloper,  say  "  no  " 
to  the  rightful  proprietor  of  that  room  1  I  smiled 
feebly,  and  the  damsel  pursued  her  knitting  with 
her  fingers  and  me  with  her  eyes,  until  everything 
in  the  room  seemed  to  turn  into  eyes.  The  fright 
ful  thought  came  o'er  me  that  perhaps  my  com 
panion  was  "  our  own  correspondent "  for  the 
"  Daily  Slasher  !  "  —  a  thought  that  sent  my 
supper  down  the  wrong  way,  deprived  me  of 
appetite,  and  made  me  thankful  that  my  back 
hair  did  not  come  off !  The  damsel  sat  and  sat, 
knitted  and  knitted,  until  she  had  superintended 


A  NIGHT  IN  A  ROCKING -CHAIR.  17 

every  preparation,  and  then,  like  an  Arab,  silently 
stole  away. 

What  nextl  Why,  the  committee  called  for 
me  at  the  appointed  hour,  seemed  blandly  igno 
rant  of  the  fact  that  they  had  not  done  their  whole 
duty  to  woman,  and  maintained  that  walking  was 
much  better  than  driving.  The  wind  blew,  dust 
sought  shelter  within  the  recesses  of  eyes  and 
ears  and  nose,  but  patient  Griselda  could  not 
have  behaved  better  than  I.  In  fact,  a  woman 
who  lectures  must  endure  quietly  what  a  singer 
or  actress  would  stoutly  protest  against,  for  the 
reason  that  lecturing  brings  down  upon  her  the 
taunt  of  being  "  strong-minded,"  and  any  assertion 
of  rights  or  exhibition  of  temper  is  sure  to  be 
misconstrued  into  violent  hatred  of  men  and  an 
insane  desire  to  be  President  of  the  United  States. 
This  can  hardly  be  called  logic,  but  it  is  truth. 
Logic  is  an  unknown  quantity  in  the  ordinary 
public  estimation  of  women  lecturers. 

Inwardly  cross  and  outwardly  cold,  I  delivered 
my  lecture,  and  went  back  to  that  much-populated 
room,  thinking  that  at  least  I  should  obtain  a  few 
hours'  sleep  before  starting  off  at  "  five  o'clock  in 
the  morning,"  -  -  a  nice  hour  to  sing  about,  but  a 
horrible  one  at  which  to  get  up.  I  approached 
the  bed.  Shade  of  that  virtue  which  is  next  to 


18  --1  LECTURER'S  XOT  E-BOOK. 

godliness  !  tlie  linen  was  —  was  —  yes,  it  was  — 
second-hand !  and  calmly  reposing  on  a  pillow  of 
doubtful  color,  my  startled  vision  beheld  an 

"  .  .  .  .  ugly,  creopin',  blastit  wonner, 
Detested,  shumi'd,  by  saunt  an'  sinner." 

That  I  should  come  to  this  !  I  sought  for  a  bell. 
Alas,  there  was  none  !  Should  I  scream  1  No, 
that  might  bring  out  the  fire-engines.  Should  I 
go  in  search  of  the  housekeeper  1  How  to  find 
her  at  that  hour  of  the  night  1  No  ;  rather  than 
wander  about  a  strange  house  in  a  strange  place, 
I  would  sit  up.  Of  course  there  was  a  rocking- 
chair  ;  in  that  1  took  refuge,  and  there  I  sat  with 
a  quaint  old-fashioned  clock  for  company,  with 
such  stout  lungs  as  to  render  sleep  an  impossibil 
ity.  No  fairy  godmother  came  in  at  the  keyhole 
to  transform  my  chair  into  a  couch  and  that  talk 
ative  clock  into  a  handmaiden.  No  ghosts  be 
guiled  the  weary  hours.  Eleven,  twelve,  one,  two, 
three,  four  !  As  the  clock  struck  this  last  hour,  a 
porter  pounded  on  the  door,  and,  not  long  after,  I 
was  being  driven  through  the  cold,  dark  morning 
to  a  railroad  station.  My  Jehu  was  he  of  the 
previous  day,  and  a  very  nice  fellow  he  turned 
out  to  be.  "  I  did  n't  know  it  was  you  yesterday, 
you  see,  miss,  or  1  would  n't  have  said  nothing 


A   NIGHT  JX  A   ROCKIXG-CHAIR.  19 

about  pickpockets.  You  don't  look  like  a  lecturer, 
you  see,  and  that  's  what 's  the  matter." 

"  Indeed,  and  how  ought  a  lecturer  to  look  1 " 

"  Well,  I  don't  exactly  know,  but  I  always  sup 
posed  they  did  n't  look  like  you.  Reckon  you 
don't  enjoy  staying  around  here  in  the  dark,  so 
I  '11  just  wait  here  till  the  train  comes,"  and  there 
that  good  creature  remained  until  the  belated 
train  snatched  me  up  and  whisked  off  to  the  city. 
When  the  express  agent  passed  through  the  car  to 
take  the  baggage-checks,  it  was  as  good  as  a  play 
to  see  the  different  ways  in  which  people  woke 
up.  Some  turned  over  and  would  n't  wake  up  at 
all ;  others  sat  bolt  upright  and  blinked  ;  some 
were  very  cross,  and  wondered  why  they  could  not 
be  let  alone ;  others,  again,  rubbed  their  eyes, 
scratched  their  heads,  said  "All  right,"  and  would 
have  gone  to  sleep  again  had  not  the  agent  shaken 
them  into  consciousness. 

"  Where  do  you  go  T'  asked  the  agent  of  a  quiet 
old  gentleman  sitting  before  me,  who  had  previously 
given  up  his  checks. 

"Yes,  exactly;  that's  my  name,"  replied  the 
old  gentleman. 

"  Where  do  you  go  1 "  again  asked  the  agent  in 
a  somewhat  louder  tone. 

"  Exactly,  I  told  you  so."  And  the  old  gentleman 


20  A   LECTURER'S  XOTE-BOOK. 

put  a  pocket  handkerchief  over  his  face  as  a  pre 
liminary  to  sleep. 

"Well,  I  never,"  exclaimed  the  agent,  who  re 
turned  to  the  charge.  "  I  asked  you  where  you 
wanted  to  go  1 " 

"  Precisely  \  that  's  my  name." 

"  Confound  your  name  ! "  muttered  the  agent. 
"  You  're  cither  deaf  or  insane,  and  I  guess  you  're 
deaf."  So  putting  his  mouth  to  the  old  gentle 
man's  ear,  he  shouted,  "  Where  —  do  —  you  — 
want  —  to  —  go  1 " 

"  0,  really,  the House,"  was  the  mild  an 
swer  to  a  question  that  to  startled  everybody  else 
as  to  cause  one  man  to  jump  up  and  cry,  "  Fire  ! " 
very  much  to  the  gratification  of  his  fellow-passen 
gers.  There  is  nothing  more  pleasing  to  human 
beings  than  to  see  somebody  else  make  himself 
ridiculous,  and  the  amusement  extracted  from  the 
contemplation  of  that  car-load  of  men  and  women 
almost  compensated  me  for  the  previous  expe 
rience. 

I  have  since  travelled  in  the  far  West,  but  have 
never  looked  upon  the  counterpart  of  that  New 
England  hotel. 


TRAVELLING   COMPANIONS. 

AVING  taken  leave  of  a  friend  who  had 
referred  to  my  lecture  of  the  previous 
night  in  a  somewhat  louder  voice  than 
harmonized  with  my  feelings,  a  severe  woman  in 
spectacles,  occupying  a  seat  in  front  of  me,  ex 
claimed,  "  Be  you  a  lecturer  ] "  in  so  stentorian  a 
tone  as  to  startle  the  passengers  into  acute  hear 
ing,  and  make  me  long  for  a  convenient  trap-door 
by  which  to  disappear  after  the  comfortable  man 
ner  of  stage  ghosts. 

Yes,  I  was  a  lecturer,  and  not  at  all  ashamed 
of  it ;  but  had  that  amiable  and  considerate  woman 
asked  me  whether  I  had  murdered  my  grandfather 
and  disposed  of  the  remains  to  enterprising  medical 
students,  she  could  not  have  given  greater  offence 
to  taste.  I  envied  the  washerwoman  who  sat  be 
side  me  nursing  her  baby  and  her  basket,  regard 
less  of,  and  disregarded  by,  inquisitive  e}Tes. 

"I   say,  be  you  a  lecturer1?"   again  demanded 


22  A  LECTURER'S  NOT  E-BOOK. 

this  awful  person.  "  That 's  twice  I  've  asked  you 
the  same  question." 

Dumb  with  amazement,  wondering  where  that 
"womanly  tact"  was  about  which  we  hear  so 
much  and  see  so  little,  I  bowed  a  "}*ea"  that 
would  have  done  no  discredit  to  the  Commenda- 
tore  in  Don  Giovanni. 

"  Well,  why  did  n't  you  say  so  in  the  first  place  1 
Might  I  iwquire  your  name  1 " 

Give  my  name  1  No  ;  I  would  have  gone  "  a 
Martha  to  the  stakes"  first.  How  every  neigh 
boring  ear  elongated  and  grew  into  an  interroga 
tion-mark  !  Even  the  cars  as  they  sped  along 
seemed  to  echo,  "  What 's  your  name  1  what 's  your 
name  ?  what 's  your  name  1 " 

"  Might  I  Miquirc  your  name  1 " 

"  Xo,  madam,  you  may  not." 

"Well,  that  beats  all.  I  didn't  mean  no  harm. 
I  thought  you  might  write  for  "  The  Revolution." 
What 's  your  opinion  about  matters  and  things  in 
general  1 " 

Good  Americans  who  read  Dickens's  "  American 
Notes "  and  "  Martin  Chuzzlewit,"  virtuously 
brand  immortal  Boz  as  —  as  —  well,  as  a  liar. 
Rather  was  he  the  lyre  played  upon,  making  such 
music  as  the  players  invoked.  Here  before  me 
sat  one  of  Dickens's  characters,  drawn  to  the  life. 


TRAVELLING    COMPANIONS.  23 

Matters  and  things  in  general !  What  was  I  to 
say  1  Where  should  I  begin  1  With  the  creation 
of  the  world?  "  Madam,"  I  at  last  answered  in 
an  undertone,  looking  like  a  rock  and  feeling  like 
a  disembodied  gooseberry,  "  I  have  no  opinions." 

"No  opinions!"  exclaimed  the  awful  person 
with  severity  in  her  eye  and  contempt  sharply 
playing  about  the  corners  of  her  mouth.  "If 
you  've  no  opinions,  how  on  airth  can  you  lecture  1 " 

Had  I  been  a  worm,  the  awful  person  would 
have  crushed  me  beneath  her  foot.  Being  nothing 
more  than  human,  she  turned  her  back  upon  me 
as  upon  a  creature  lost  to  all  sense  of  her  mission 
on  earth. 

"You  done  just  right,"  whispered  the  good- 
hearted  washerwoman,  while  her  baby  expressed 
its  sympathy  by  putting  a  dear,  dirty  little  finger 
in  my  eye  and  crowing  triumphantly.  "My 
opinion  is  that  this  world  wouldn't  be  so  hard  to 
live  in  if  folks  would  mind  their  own  business." 

Ah,  even  the  poor  washerwoman  had  had  her 
measure  of  interference  !  Perhaps  some  rival  laun 
dress  had  deprived  her  of  custom  by  innuendoes 
regarding  her  starch. 

The  worst  thing  after  being  interviewed  is 
being  swindled  by  hackmen.  If  a  woman  ever 
looks  like  Mrs.  Gummiclge,  if  she  ever  feels  like 


24  A  LECTURER'S  NOTE-BOOK. 

"a  lone,  lorn  creetur,"  helplessly  conscious  that 
everything  must  go  "  contrairey,"  it  is  in  the 
august  presence  of  a  hackman.  Talk  not  of  the 
equality  of  the  sexes  so  long  as  any  woman  in  the 
land  can  be  bullied  out  of  twenty-five  cents  by  ua 
free  and  independent  voter "  spelling  his  name 
with  an  X.  Of  what  avail  is  mind  in  the  pres 
ence  of  muscle  1  If  a  man  can  knock  you  down, 
are  you  not  in  his  power  1  Unless  his  reason  con 
trol  his  biceps,  are  you  not  his  slave  1  I  'd  rather 
criticise  Shakespeare  to  his  face,  I  'd  rather  go  up 
in  a  balloon,  I  'd  rather  speak  disrespectfully  of 
Boston  Common,  than  indulge  in  an  altercation 
with  the  common  variety  of  North  American 
hackman.  He  is  the  modern  vampyre,  and  women 
are  his  prey.  He  grows  fat  on  swindling,  and 
proves  that  virtue  is  not  its  own  reward.  I  do 
not  expect  much  from  Albany.  The  New  York 
Legislature  convenes  there,  which  is  enough  to 
demoralize  even  hackmen ;  but  there  is  a  driver  in 
Albany,  and  one  out  West,  that  are  as  great  a 
trial  to  my  feelings  as  Job  Trotter  was  to  Sam 
Weller's.  Indeed  I  may  say  greater,  for  Sam 
finally  got  the  better  of  Job,  and  I  never  can  be 
even  with  those  hackmen.  It  is  a  physical  impos 
sibility.  Ages  hence  they  may  come  to  me  with 
apologies,  but  by  that  time  I  shall  have  become  an 


TRAVELLING    COMPANIONS.  25 

angel  and  shall  take  no  carnal  satisfaction  in  their 
humiliation. 

Yes,  and  there  is  a  woman  whom  I  expect  to 
meet  in  another  and  a  better  world,  and  to  for 
give.  She  is  a  vixen  now.  How  long  it  will  take 
her  to  soften  into  something  else  I  cannot  say,  but 
as  she  has  all  eternity  before  her,  she  must  come 
to  it  eventually.  It  was  between  one  and  two 
o'clock  in  the  morning,  and  having  just  arrived 
from  Somewhere,  with  no  possibility  of  going  Else 
where  for  six  hours,  it  was  rather  necessary  to  ob 
tain  a  lodging  at  the  hotel  adjoining  the  railroad 
station. 

"Very  sorry,  ma'am,"  said  the  landlord,  "but 
there  is  not  a  spare  bed  in  the  house.  Never  was 
so  crowded." 

"Surely  you  can  find  a  lounge  in  the  parlor." 

The  landlord  scratched  his  head,  —  why  is  it 
that  men  generally  scratch  their  heads  when  they 
aue  in  difficulty]  —  and  replied,  finally,  "Well, 
yes,  there  is  a  sofa  in  the  parlor.  It 's  pretty  hard 
to  sit  on,  so  I  can't  recommend  it  to  sleep  on,  but 
it 's  the  best  I  can  do." 

It  was  one  of  those  slippery  horsehair  sofas, 
chronic  throughout  the  country,  that  are  much 
better  adapted  to  "coasting"  purposes  than  to 
permanent  investment. 


'26  A  LECTURER'S  NOTE-] WOK. 

I  was  conducted  up  stairs,  and,  after  surveying 
the  aforesaid  sofa,  was  about  to  say  "good  night" 
to  the  landlord,  who  seemed  to  be  laboring  under 
great  nervous  excitement,  when  a  door  opened  op 
posite,  and  there  appeared  a  vision  of  loveliness  in 
the  shape  of  a  thin  female  head  done  up  in  frilled 
nightcap  and  yellow  curl-papers. 

"  Tom,"  exclaimed  the  head,  —  "  Tom,  did  n't  I 
tell  you  that  you  were  never  to  give  up  the  parlor 
without  consulting  me  1  How  dare  you  1  The 
parlor  sh'a'  n't  be  turned  into  a  hospital  if  I  can 
help  it,  and  I  will  help  it,  that's  more.  You 
thought  I  was  asleep,  did  you  ?  Well,  I  '11  just 
give  you  to  understand  that  I  'm  never  asleep 
when  I  ought  n't  to  be.  You  've  no  business  to 
take  in  people  at  this  hour  of  the  night ;  and 
when  people  will  travel  nights,  they  must  take 
the  consequences.  I  suppose  it's  a  circus,  and 
of  all  iniquities  that 's  the  worst !  If  you  dare, 
Tom,  I  '11  —  The  head  disappeared  with  a  slt*m, 
leaving  the  last  sentence  as  much  of  an  hy 
pothesis  as  the  body  to  which  that  extraordi 
nary  head  belonged.  Never  before  had  I  seen  a 
henpeckecV  husband.  May  I  never  behold  an 
other  !  It  is  almost  as  horrible  a  spectacle  as 
seeing  a  man  beat  his  wife  —  when  she  doesn't 
deserve  it ;  for  I  believe  that  some  wives  do  de- 


TRAVELLING    COMPANIONS.  27 

serve  beating,  —  this  one,  for  example.  But  the 
world  is  upside  down.  The  angelic  men  and  wo 
men  insist  upon  marrying  their  opposites,  —  de 
mons;  consequently  the  angels  suffer  and  the 
demons  carry  matters  with  a  high  hand.  If  like 
would  only  mate  like,  the  elect  might  gaze  upon 
a  grand  moral  spectacle  suggestive  of  the  mem 
orable  encounter  of  Kilkenny  cats,  but  alas  !  jus 
tice,  like  love  and  fortune,  goes  it  blind ;  hence 
"Tom!"  He  said  never  a  word,  but  looked  un 
utterable  things,  and  I  relieved  him  from  a  most 
embarrassing  position  by  declaring  my  intention 
of  passing  the  remainder  of  the  night  in  the  rail 
road  station.  "Tom"  heaved  a  deep  sigh,  escorted 
me  to  this  charming  retreat,  stirred  up  the  fire, 
and  left  me  to  my  reflections.  As  the  room 
boasted  of  a  horsehair  sofa,  own  cousin  to  the 
one  too  good  for  me  at  the  hotel,  I  might  have 
given  myself  quite  a  "surprise  party"  by  sleep 
ing,  had  not  my  neighbors  prevented  any  such 
consummation.  They  were  a  family  of  Irish  emi 
grants.  The  father  lay  in  one  corner  snoring  as  I 
did  not  suppose  it  possible  for  any  human  being 
to  snore.  He  never  could  have  accomplished  as 
much  without  great  natural  ability  combined  with 
constant  practice.  The  mother  sat  in  a  rocking- 
chair,  nursing  a  baby  that,  like  seraphim  and  cheru- 


28  A  LECTURER'S  NOTE-BOOK. 

bim,  continually  did  cry.  The  effect  produced  by 
father  and  child  was  not  unlike  a  duet  between 
a  locomotive  and  a  shrill  steam-whistle.  Two 
larger  children  —  boys  of  course  of  active  tem 
peraments  —  added  greatly  to  the  hilarity  of  the 
occasion  by  playing  horse  with  the  poker  and 
tongs,  occasionally  stirring  up  their  father  with 
both  instruments  until  he  growled  and  consigned 
his  offspring  to  a  place  not  mentioned  in  polite 
circles.  When  the  dawn  came,  as  it  did  at  last, 
that  father  got  up,  shook  himself,  saluted  his 
wife  with  an  oath,  bade  her  come  along  "  with  the 
brats,"  and  shuffled  out  of  the  room.  As  uncom 
plaining  as  "  Tom,"  and  more  badly  used,  the  poor 
wife  rose,  and  with  the  baby  in  her  arms  and  the 
two  boys  clinging  to  her  skirts  followed  her  lord 
and  master  into  the  cold,  gray  morning.  Is  ma 
ternity  divine  when  it  entails  such  treatment  and 
perpetuates  drunkenness  and  vice  ? 

Virago  and  brute  rendered  my  breakfast  even 
more  unpalatable  than  it  was  originally.  A  coun 
try  steak  suggests  fried  leather  rather  than  beef, 
and  is  graphically  described  by  John  G.  Saxe  as 
an  infringement  on  Goodyear's  patent !  There 
never  was  a  lecture  as  hard  to  swallow  as  the 
beefsteak  of  the  period. 

As  I  stepped  into  the  cars  that  morning,  "  Torn  " 


TRA  VELL ING    COMPANJ  ONS. 


29 


came  to  me,  hat  in  hand,  saying,  "  Please  don't 
hold  me  responsible  for  what  happened  last  night. 
I  feel  worse  than  you  do  about  it,  but  I  can't  help 
it." 

I  wonder  what   "  Tom  "  and  that  poor  Irish  wo 
man  think  about  the  holy  state  of  matrimony. 


IN   THE   DARK. 


HE  first  time  I  lectured  -in  a  church,  and 
was  asked  to  occupy  the  pulpit,  I  re 
fused,  There  is  an  eternal  fitness  in 
tilings,  and  jokes,  however  mild,  when  launched 
from  a  high  box  pulpit,  become  thoroughly  de 
moralized.  They  lose  their  spirits,  and  you  feel 
as  if  you  were  assisting  at  the  funeral  of  your  own 
thoughts.  Ascend  a  pulpit  1  sooner  a  scaffold  ! 
So  I  delivered  my  lecture  on  one  side  of  the  pulpit, 
in  consequence  of  which  I  succeeded  in  displeasing 
a  larger  number  of  persons  in  a  shorter  amount 
of  time  than  ever  before  or  since.  Like  Bottom, 
one  third  of  the  audience  sawr  a  voice,  and  noth 
ing  else,  the  huge  pulpit  obstructing  any  other 
view.  That  well-intentioned  action  led  to  such 
disastrous  results  as  to  persuade  me  that  the 
majority  of  people  hear  with  their  eyes.  Con 
sequently,  when  I  next  lectured  in  a  church,  I 
screwed  my  courage  to  the  sticking-place,  other- 


JN    THE  DARK.  31 

wise  the  pulpit.  It  was  an  overawing  structure, 
and  I  felt  that  I  ought  to  apologize  for  not  bring- 
in^  my  sermon.  Previous  to  the  lecture  the  choir 
sang  "  I  want  to  be  an  Angel" ;  and  if,  as  Raphael 
hints  in  certain  paintings,  angels  finish  behind  the 
ears,  I  certainly  bore  a  family  likeness  to  them  in 
the  eyes  of  the  audience,  to  whom  nothing  but 
my  head  was  visible.  I  endeavored  to  be  more 
imposing  by  standing  on  a  stool ;  but  after  walking 
off  the  stool  once  or  twice,  a  catastrophe  that 
caused  my  entire  momentary  disappearance,  discre 
tion  obliged  me  to  abandon  the  attempt.  Misfor 
tunes  never  yet  came  singly.  This  was  an  excel 
lent  opportunity  to  give  a  lesson  in  discipline,  and 
Fate  seized  it.  I  had%  read  about  two  thirds 
through  my  manuscript,  when  the  gas  went  out 
suddenly  and  left  ns  in  total  darkness  !  Laughing 
is  better  than  crying,  so  I  laughed,  and  everybody 
laughed.  Finding  the  stool  better  to  sit  than  to 
stand  upon,  I  turned  to  it  for  consolation  until 
something  should  "  turn  up,"  and  listened  to  the 
murmurings  of  hundreds  of  voices  that  sounded 
like  distant  waves  breaking  upon  the  shore.  All 
attempts  to  light  the  gas  were  useless.  It  had  re 
tired  for  the  night,  and  in  the  course  of  eight  long 
minutes  one  feeble  kerosene  lamp  made  darkness 
visible. 


32  A  LECTURER'S  NOTE-BOOK. 

"  That  's  the  best  we  can  do,"  said  a  voice  ac 
companying  the  lamp.  "  The  gas  has  gin  out  all 
over  town,  and  tallow  is  riz." 

"But  how  is  the  lamp  to  be  steadied  1  The 
cushion  of  the  pulpit  is  round  ! " 

This  new  development  somewhat  perplexed  the 
voice,  that  finally  replied  with  a  sigh,  "  Well,  I 
suppose  we  must  have  up  the  Bible  "  !  and  up  the 
good  book  came.  Balancing  the  book  on  the 
cushion  enabled  us  to  balance  the  lamp  on  the 
book,  and  by  that  sickly  light  I  addressed  the  in 
visible,  keeping  one  eye  fixed  on  the  lamp  lest  it 
should  slide  off  the  Bible  and  commit  us  to  kero 
sene  flames. 

By  some  queer  coincidence,  the  first  words  I 
uttered  were,  Now  try  again !  Of  course  the 
audience  believed  it  to  be  an  interpolation,  and 
again  we  all  laughed.  Before  the  conclusion  of 
the  lecture,  however,  no  less  than  three  kerosene 
lamps  shed  their  refulgent  rays  upon  the  multi 
tude,  and  we  retired  in  good  order. 

And  what  happened  next  day  1  Owing  to  the 
urbanity  of  grand  and  lofty  magnates,  an  express 
train  was  good-naturedly  stopped  at  a  way  station 
where  I  was  engaged  for  that  evening.  I  had  no 
sooner  alighted  than  a  number  of  persons  sur 
rounded  me  with  mouths  agape  and  interrogatory 
eyes. 


IN  THE  DARK.  33 

"  Who 's  dead  1  Where  's  the  body  1 "  asked  a 
small,  thin  man,  breathless  with  running  and  ex 
citement. 

"  '  Dead '  t  '  Body  '  1  What  do  you  mean  1  No 
body  is  dead  that  I  am  aware  of." 

"  Well,  we  all  thought  somebody  must  be  dead, 
for  that  afternoon  express  never  stops  unless 
there  's  a  corpse  aboard,  and  I  looked  out  for  it 
the  fust  thing.  If  nobody's  dead,"  continued  rny 
interrogator  in  an  injured  and  disappointed  tone, 
"  you  must  be  somebody.'' 

"  Reckon  I  can  guess  who  it  is,"  piped  up  a 
precocious  young  gentleman  of  twelve.  "  It 's 
her  !  "  pointing  from  me  to  a  very  big  bill  of  the 
evening's  lecture. 

"  Should  n't  wonder,"  muttered  the  original  in 
terlocutor,  at  which  discovery  the  promiscuous 
assembly  dispersed,  evidently  feeling  I  was  not 
all  their  fancy  painted.  Who  is  all  anybody's 
fancy  paints  1  My  fancy  has  had  so  many  shocks, 
that  now  I  am  thankful  when  my  gods  and  god 
desses  are  not  very  wicked  as  to  morals  and  very 
frightful  as  to  appearance. 


2* 


JOHN   BROWN'S   FRIENDS. 


f|LACES  where,  upon  entering,  I  have  left 
all  hope  behind,  some  incident  will  ever 
after  associate  with  pleasant  memories. 
Not  a  person  in  this  audience,"  thought  I  to 
myself  one  night,  "has  the  least  sympathy  with 
old  John  Brown."  A  moment  later  and  there 
stood  before  me  a  fine-looking  man  saying,  "  I  am 
the  clergyman  you  spoke  of  this  evening  in  refer 
ring  to  the  burial  of  John  Brown." 

"And  I,"  remarked  another  man,  "was 'the  only 
person  in  this  town  that  closed  his  store  and 
draped  it  in  mourning  the  day  John  Brown  was 
executed.  They  threatened  to  raise  a  riot ;  but 
they  took  it  out  in  swearing  and  hating  me." 
Such  a  quiet  little  man  as  he  was  !  And  it  is  just 
such  quiet  little  men  that  are  the  bravest.  An 
other  like  him  came  to  me  elsewhere,  when  T  was 
doubting  the  audience,  saying,  "  I  am  your  debtor 
to-night.  When  John  Brown  was  hung,  I  was 


JOHN  BROWN'S  FRIENDS.  35 

the  first  to  call  an  indignation  meeting,  and  hot 
work  we  had.  The  very  people  that  have  listened 
to  you  to-night  called  us  cut-throats  and  trai 
tors."  The  only  hiss  I  ever  heard  was  drowned  by 
the  musical  voice  of  a  young  colored  girl,  who, 
with  tears  in  her  eyes,  exclaimed,  "  God  bless 
you  for  telling  the  truth  about  John  BrowTn  ! " 
The  hero  of  Harper's  Ferry  has  not  as  many 
friends  to-day  as  he  will  have  fifty  years  hence, 
but  the  man  who  fought  a  lifetime  for  one  idea 
can  wait  a  century  for  immortal  justice.  When, 
before  leaving  the  North  Woods,  I  made  a  pil 
grimage  to  John  Brown's  farm,  I  saw  his  name 
carved  on  the  face  of  the  huge  boulder  lying  at 
the  head  of  his  grave,  as  if  cast  for  the  purpose 
from  God  Almighty's  foundry.  Plucking  roses  and 
buttercups  that  sprang  from  the  giant's  heart,  I 
turned.  What !  that  humble,  unpainted  farm-house 
John  Brown's  homel  I  stood  upon  the  threshold 
and  knocked  in  vain.  Trying  the  door,  it  opened, 
and,  venturing  to  enter,  I  saw  signs  of  habitation, 
but  none  of  comfort.  There  seemed  to  be  no  angel 
in  the  house.  A  portrait  of  John  Brown,  a  few 
memorial  wreaths,  snatched  from  some  recent 
grave,  were  the  only  visible  remains  of  sentiment. 
Several  men  were  pitching  hay  in  a  field  near  by, 
and  when  I  hailed  them,  one  sad  man  came  for- 


36  A  Lf:crrRER'S  XOTE-BOOK. 

ward  to  bid  me  return.  He  was  the  owner  of  the 
farm,  for  John  Brown's  homestead  was  no  longer 
the  property  of  his  family,  although  it  had  been 
his  wish  that  there  they  should  remain. 

"  I  am  Alexis  Hinckley,"  said  the  thin,  sad  man. 
"My  sister  married  John  Brown's  son  Salmon, 
who  went  West  and  is  now  in  California.  Mrs. 
Brown  was  very  lonely  without  any  of  her  chil 
dren,  and,  in  order  to  join  Salmon,  sold  the  farm 
in  1863  for  eight  hundred  dollars.  She  did  not 
want  it  to  go  out  of  the  family,  and  so  I  bought 
it.  But  I  do  not  feel  like  staying  here  any  loi._ 
I  buried  my  wife  last  winter.  The  place  is  not 
what  it  used  to  be,  and,  in  fact,  I  must  sell  it.  I 
have  spent  money  upon  it,  and  I  have  offered  it 
for  two  thousand  dollars." 

"  Does  that  plat  of  land  go  with  the  farm  1 "  I 
asked,  looking  from  the  window  to  the  spot  where 
"John  Brown's  body  lay  mouldering  in  the  grave/' 

"0  no  1  That  is  reserved  by  Mrs.  Brown.  There 
are  two  hundred  and  forty-four  acres,  and  one 
thousand  dollars'  worth  of  timber." 

So  John  Brown's  farm  was  for  sale  ! 

One  month  later  I  told  this  story  in  Boston ; 
it  was  heard  in  New  York,  and  forty-eight  hours 
after  the  echo  reached  Gold  Street  even-  share 
in  the  stock  was  taken.  It  is  fitting,  therefore, 


JOHN  BROWN'S  FRIKNDS.  37 

that  the  names  of  those  New  York  men  should  be 
made  public  :  — 


Isaac  H.  Bailey 

John  E.  Williams  .         .         .         .100 

William  H.  Lee  ....  100 
George  A.  Bobbins  .  .  .  .100 
George  Cabot  Ward  .  .  .  .  100 

Henry  Clews 100 

T).  Randolph  Martin  ....  100 
Le  Grand  B.  Cannon  .  .  .  .100 
Charles  S.  Smith  ....  100 

S.  B.  Chittenden 100 

Isaac  Sherman 100 

Jackson  S.  Schultz  ....  100 
Elliott  C.  Cowdiii  .  .  .  .  100 
Thomas  Murphy  .  .  .  .  .100 
Charles  G.  Judson  .  .  .  .  100 
Salem  H.  Wales  .  .  .  .  .  100 
Sinclair  Tousey  ....  100 

Horace  B.  Claflin 100 

A  Boston  Woman  .  .  .  .  100 
Kate  Field 100 

Henceforth  and  foreverrnore  the  farm  will  be 
held  as  historic  ground,  and  as  proof  that  even  in 
the  nineteenth  century  there  is  such  a  thing  as 
poetic  justice. 

"  You  will  ruin  yourself  as  a  lecturer  if  you 
insist  upon  eulogizing  John  Brown,"  exclaimed  a 


38  A  LECTURER'S  NOTE-BOOK. 

clever  friend,  who  had  often  felt  the  public  pulse 
and  feared  its  fluctuations.  "Then  let  me  be 
ruined."  Was  the  prophet  right]  Did  I  not  make 
friends  worth  all  those  who  hated  me  for  praising 
"  the  gamest  man  "  Governor  Wise  "  ever  saw  "  1 
I  am  grateful  and  content !  I  shall  be  more  con 
tent  when  John  Brown's  farm  becomes  the  centre 
of  New  York's  greatest  park.  The  Adirondacks 
were  intended  by  Nature  to  be  the  Eastern  pleas 
ure-ground  of  the  United  States. 


TRUE    STORIES. 

MONG  the  pleasing  features  of  lecturing, 
as  of  every  other  public  profession,  is  ac 
cidentally  ''assisting"  at  criticisms  of 
one's  self.  To  see  ourselves  as  others  see  us  is 
the  ardent  desire  of  all  human  beings  ;  but  as  cool 
ing  one's  eyes  and  ears  at  keyholes  is  "  more  hon 
ored  in  the  breach  than  in  the  observance,"  honest 
people  are  not  likely  to  assist  at  an  exposition  of 
unvarnished  truth,  unless  it  be  by  chance.  A 
strange  sensation  comes  over  you  in  hearing  it. 
You  feel  as  if  you  were  out  of  your  own  skin  and 
were  contemplating  a  jury  sitting  in  judgment  on 
your  other  self,  —  holding  a  species  of  ante-mortem 
inquest. 

"  Well,  I  declare  !  "  said  a  woman  behind  whom 
I  stood  while  waiting  for  the  crowd  to  disperse. 
"Call  that  lecturing!  Why,  she  talked  just  as 
she  would  any  time,  just  like  people  in  conversa 
tion  :  that  is  n't  lecturing." 


40  A   LECTURER'S  NOTE-BOOK. 

"I  thought  the  lecture  was  good  enough,"  re 
plied  her  companion,  "  but  did  you  ever  sec  such 
affected  manners]" 

It  was  quite  cheering  after  this  dialogue  to  over 
hear  one  committee-man  say  to  another,  —  I  was 
wrapped  in  furs  and  quite  unknown  in  conse 
quence,  —  "I  expected  we  'd  'been  sold  on  this 
lecture,  but  I  declare  it  was  a  great  deal  better 
than  I  believed  it  would  be." 

"  How  did  you  like  the  lecture  ] "  asked  a  woman 
of  a  man  sitting  before  me  in  the  cars. 

"  0,  pretty  well !  " 

"  What  was  it  about  1 " 

"  Dickens." 

"What  did  she  say]" 

"  Well,  she  said  a  good  many  things.  She 
cracked  him  up  a  lot,  but  for  my  part  I  don't  see 
that  he  writes  any  better  than  other  folks." 

"  How  she  does  dress ! "  exclaimed  a  woman 
elsewhere.  "  She  wears  a  train  and  looks  like  a 
fashion-plate  !  That  is  n't  the  way  to  reform  the 
world.  No  woman  has  any  business  to  lecture 
who  does  not  wear  a  short  dress.  Curls  too  !  " 

"What  do  the  papers  say  of  last  night's  lec 
ture  ? "  inquired  a  gentleman  of  a  lady  opposite  me 
in  a  Western  car. 

"  The  Democratic  paper  speaks  very  highly  of 


TRUE  STORIES.  41 

it,  but  the  Republican  paper  finds  fault  with  her 
pronunciation  and  says  she  is  stagey." 

"  I  never  knew  a  Democratic  paper  to  tell  the 
truth  about  anything,"  answered  the  gentleman. 

"  Lies  are  their  daily  bread.     What  the  "  G " 

says  is  always  about  right.     I  'm   glad   I   did  n't 

"  Who  is  she  any  way  1 "  asked  one  woman  of 
another,  both  being  my  neighbors  in  travelling. 

"  Why,  she 's  the  daughter  of  that  rich  pub 
lisher,  you  know.  She  is  n't  obliged  to  lecture. 
She  does  it  for  excitement.  When  she  's  at  home 
she  never  can  keep  still,  always  going  to  theatres 
and  reporting  the  plays,  which  7  think  is  very  un- 
feminine  ;  arid  she  drives  fast  horses,  and  some 
body  told  me  the  other  day  that  she  smoked.  I 
dare  say  it 's  true,  for  any  woman  that  will  report 
such  low  things  as  theatres  is  quite  likely  to 
smoke.  It 's  sad,  —  is  n't  it  1 " 

Yes,  it  is  sad  that  men  and  women  cannot  es 
cape  calumny.  Shakespeare  never  conceived  a 
truer  line  than  when  he  wrote,  "  It  is  as  easy  as 
lying."  If  people  only  talked  about  what  they 
knew,  a  profound  silence  would  settle  upon  society, 
and  a  large  reward  would  be  offered  for  an  answer 
to  the  conundrum  originally  propounded  by  Pon 
tius  Pilate:  "What  is  truth?"  The  onlv  con- 


42  A  LECTURER'S  NOTE-BOOK. 

solation  —  poor  indeed  —  is  that  everybody  falls  a 
victim  to  slander.  On  one  occasion  a  woman  came 
up  to  me  after  rny  lecture,  saying,  "  My  name 

is .     I  came  here  expecting  to  hear  an  account 

of  Mr.  Dickens's  domestic  relations.  He  was  a 
bad  man,  a  very  bad  man,  and  I  am  very  sorry 
that  you,  a  woman,  praise  him."  "And  how 
about  Dickens's  drinking  ? "  asked  a  sharp-visaged 
man.  "  You  know  he  was  a  confirmed  drunkard." 
It  was  useless  to  assert  that  I  did  not  know  any 
thing  of  the  sort.  Poor  human  nature  likes  to 
believe  the  worst  of  its  kind,  and  there  are  those 
who  feel  personally  injured  at  praise  of  others. 
One  touch  of  scandal  makes  the  whole  world  kin. 
Only  exhibit  the  weaknesses  of  the  great,  and  a 
glow  of  satisfaction  suffuses  the  faces  of  the  little. 
It  is  proof  positive  of  the  noble  democratic  dogma 
that  "  one  man  is  as  good  as  another,  —  and  better 
too." 

In  one  city  Dickens  was  so  unpopular  on  ac 
count  of  having  told  the  truth  about  it  thirty 
years  ago,  that  I  was  desired  to  change  my  sub 
ject  ;  but  overcoming  prejudice  by  promising  to 
give  a  second  lecture  if  at  the  conclusion  of 
"Dickens"  the  audience  remained  dissatisfied,  I 
was  allowed  to  carry  out  the  original  programme. 
The  second  lecture  was  not  called  for  by  the 


TRUE  STORIES.  43 

audience.  Whether  it  was  because  of  a  change 
of  heart  or  of  complete  exhaustion,  and  conse 
quent  inability  to  endure  the  strain  of  another 
hour,  I  cannot  state  with  certainty. 

It  being  a  fact  in  natural  history  that  all 
creatures  hunt  in  couples,  I  felt  morally  certain 
that  sooner  or  later  I  should  find  a  man  in  the 
West  to  match  the  Yankee  who  had  never  heard 
of  Dickens.  Find  him  I  did  in  a  negro  of  suave 
manners  who  waited  upon  me  at  a  large  hotel  in 
Ohio.  Deep  in  the  contemplation  of  an  advertise 
ment  of  the  lecture  at  the  bottom  of  the  bill  of 
fare,  which  I  regarded  with  less  relish  than  the 
announcement  of  "  beef,  veal,  and  pork,"  my  pro 
found  studies  were  interrupted  by  the  unexpected 
appearance  of  the  waiter,  who  seemed  to  be  de 
sirous  of  indulging  in  conversation.  Looking  up 
for  further  enlightenment,  Sambo  made  bold  to 
say,  "  Excuse  me,  miss,  but  are  you  the  lady  that 
is  to  lecture  to-night]" 

"Yes.?' 

"  I  've  read  a  great  deal  about  you  in  the 
papers." 

"  Indeed  ]  The  papers,  you  know,  do  not 
always  tell  the  truth." 

At  this  my  colored  brother  grinned,  and  with  a 
gallantry  that  would  have  done  credit  to  a  courtier 


44  A  LECTURER'S  NOTE-BOOK. 

replied,  "  I  am  quite  sure  they  have  told  the  truth 
in  this  instance." 

Ah,  I  knew  what  this  meant.     The  flatten-  was 
not  disinterested.     My  friend  wanted  passes. 
"  Would  you  like  to  hear  the  lecture  ] " 
Sambo  rubbed  his  hands  with  satisfaction,  de 
clared  he   would,   and   went   off  to  communicate 
with  the   other   waiters,   who  stood    in   a  corner 
watching  the   interview.     Soon   Sambo  returned, 
and,  scratching  his  head,  said,  "  Excuse  me,  miss, 
but  I  'd  like  to  have  a  pass  for  me  and  my  girl. 
She  reads  better  than  I  do." 

"  Very  well.     You  shall  have  a  pass  for  two." 
Sambo  thanked  me  profusely,  again  retired,  and 
again  returned,  scratching  his  head  with  greater 
vigor  than  before. 

"  Beg  pardon,  miss ;  but  who  is  this  Dickson  ] 
Is  he  the  man  that  makes  paper  collars  ?  I  've  read 
a  great  deal  about  him." 

"  Not  Dickscw  at  all  !  Dickens,  the  great 
novelist." 

Sambo  was  perplexed ;  Sambo  ruminated ; 
Sambo  rubbed  his  right  hand  up  and  down  his 
right  leg,  and  then  exclaimed  with  considerable 
animation,  "  0,  I  know  !  I  suppose  he  's  the  feller 
that  writes  the  Dime  Novels  !  " 

I  gave  Sambo  a  small  amount  of  currency  on 


TRUE  STORIES.  45 

condition  that  he  would  buy  Pickwick  and  read 
it.  Alas  !  I  fear  Sambo  was  a  fraud.  Two  very 
white  people  presented  that  pass ;  and  as  Sambo 
did  not  wait  upon  me  the  next  morning,  I  suspect 
he  sold  the  pass  at  half  price  and  invested  in 
whiskey  rather  than  in  Pickwick.  Mrs.  Gamp 
would  call  him  "a  twining  sarpiant."  I  forgive 
him.  It  is  perhaps  singular  that  the  only  ser 
vants  who  ever  asked  for  tickets  were  colored,  — 
one  old  man  amusing  an  audience  more  than  I  did, 
I  thought,  by  occasionally  rising  and  exclaiming, 
"  Glory  ! " 

But  if  Ohio  harbors  that  deceitful  man  and 
brother,  it  is  likewise  the  home  of  a  woman  who 
more  than  makes  amends  for  his  depravity.  This 
good  woman  absolutely  worships  Dickens,  burning 
a  candle  under  his  portrait  as  Catholics  burn 
candles  at  the  household  shrines  of  the  Virgin. 
She  reads  nothing  but  Dickens,  arid  when  the 
great  man  came  to  America  she  wrote  to  him  re 
questing  to  know  whether  he  intended  to  visit  the 
West  Receiving  a  reply  in  Dickens's  own  hand 
writing,  her  joy  knew  no  bounds,  and  as  her  hero 
could  not  leave  the  East,  she  declared  her  inten 
tion  of  going  to  New  York.  Jones,  her  husband, 
demurred ;  but  upon  being  waked  up  one  night 
and  told  that,  if  he  did  not  give  her  the  money  to 


46  A  LECTURER'S  NOTE-BOOK. 

travel  like  a  Christian,  she  would  walk,  Jones 
succumbed.  Mrs.  Jones  went  to  New  York,  had 
a  private  interview  with  Dickens,  attended  several 
of  his  readings,  and  returned  home  more  rabid 
than  ever.  When  the  telegraph  brought  the 
news  of  Dickens's  sudden  decease,  she  mourned 
for  her  dearest  friend.  Not  many  months  after, 
Mrs.  Jones's  sister  died.  Owing  to  the  illness  of 
this  sister's  husband,  whom  she  was  obliged  to 
nurse,  Mrs.  Jones  could  not  attend  the  funeral, 
and  on  the  return  of  the  other  members  of  the 
family,  they  found  her  reading  in  a  tearful  voice 
to  the  sick  and  bereaved  man.  Was  it  the  Bible  1 
No,  Pickwick!  and  as  a  relative  approached  the 
bed  Mrs.  Jones  burst  into  tears,  exclaiming,  "  The 
saddest  part  of  it  all  is  to  think  that  dear  Sarah 
died  before  I  had  finished  reading  '  Martin  Chuz- 
zlewit '  to  her ;  and  now  she  '11  never,  never,  NEVER 
know  how  it  ends  !  0,  it  is  too  bad  !  " 


CONCERNING   AUDIENCES. 


HE  public  is  a  monster  more  dreadful  to 
face  than  lion,  mastodon,  or  behemoth, 
for  what  other  monsters  will  do  to  you  is 
always  a  dead  certainty,  but  this  extraordinary 
creature  is  as  inscrutable  as  fate  itself,  and  can 
no  more  be  calculated  upon  than  the  winds  of 
heaven  or  the  New  York  stock  market.  It  has 
more  heads  than  the  hydra  could  multiply  in  a 
lifetime.  There  is  a  different  head  for  every  com 
munity,  a  different  expression  for  every  head ;  and 
though  you  may  entertain  no  very  exalted  opinion 
of  this  monster's  individual  members,  yet  when 
those  members  are  united  in  one  body,  you  quail 
before  them  as  before  no  other  potentate.  United 
they  brand,  divided  they  pall. 

The  lecturer's  position  is  exceptional.  Actor, 
singer,  and  reader  generally  remain  sufficiently 
long  in  one  place  to  establish  a  certain  rapport 
between  themselves  and  their  audiences,  but  the 


48  A  LECTURER'S  NOTE-BOOK. 

lecturer  is  a  creature  of  mushroom  growth,  com 
ing  up  in  a  night  and  disappearing  the  next  morn 
ing.  His  career  is  a  constant  series  of  first  appear 
ances,  than  which  there  can  be  nothing  more 
trying  to  the  nerves.  Changing  like  a  human 
kaleidoscope,  he  can  never  judge  of  the  future  by 
the  past. 

History  may  repeat  itself,  but  lecturing  experi 
ences  never  do.  Though  towns  be  but  a  dozen 
miles  apart,  they  have  their  idiosyncrasies.  One 
will  receive  you  with  the  warmth  of  the  tropics, 
whereas  its  neighbor,  believing  that  silence  is 
golden,  enforces  the  maxim  rigidly,  and  not  until 
the  committee  or  the  next  day's  paper  pronounces 
a  verdict  do  you  know  the  state  of  public  opinion. 
To  command  profound  attention  is  supposed  to  be 
the  speaker's  greatest  triumph  ;  nevertheless,  there 
is  no  such  inspiration  as  applause,  and  if  lyceum 
audiences  fully  realized  this  fact,  they  would  be 
more  likely  to  cultivate  audible  recognition  of 
pleasure  received.  The  delight  of  Continental  au 
diences  is  their  quick  response  to  the  artist's 
touch.  The  Italian  "  Bravo  !  "  following  instantly 
upon  a  thought  well  expressed  or  deed  well  done, 
is  a  perpetual  stimulant  that  cannot  fail  to  pro 
duce  the  best  results  of  which  the  artist  is  capa 
ble.  In  America,  the  finest  orator  receives  less 


CONCERNING  AUDIENCES.  49 

applause  than  the  ordinary  actor  or  singer.  To 
recall  them  at  the  conclusion  of  their  peroration 
is  rare,  even  Dickens  being  no  exception. 

Yet  the  lecturer  really  needs  more  extraneous 
support  than  the  dramatic  artist.  He  stands  in 
his  own*  person,  on  a  cold,  barren  platform,  un 
aided  by  scenic  effects  or  costume,  and  for  an  hour 
or  more  is  expected  to  speak  uninterruptedly  and 
in  such  a  manner  as  to  constantly  entertain.  It 
is  a  tremendous  ordeal,  and  whoever  succeeds  in 
passing  it  deserves  hearty  applause  during  per 
formance  as  well  as  hearty  praise  after  it.  The 
same  people  who  grow  boisterous  over  a  me-, 
diocre  rendering  of  an  English  ballad  will  receive 
new  ideas  without  the  changing  of  a  muscle. 
Political  references,  personal  attacks,  or  broad 
humor,  will  bring  down  the  house  when  neat  anec 
dote,  wit,  and  delicate  satire  fail  to  extort  more 
than  a  smile.  If  a  lecturer  were  his  own  audience, 
how  marvellous  would  be  the  appreciation  ! 

I  think  it  is  Mr.  Parton  who  classifies  audiences 
into  "the  still-attentives,"  "the  hard-to-lifts,"  "the 
quick-responsives,"  "the  won't-applauds,"  and  "the 
get-up-and-go-outs."  The  higher  the  order  of  in 
telligence,  the  less  applause,  but  with  this  class 
there  is  something  in  the  atmosphere  that  makes 
the  speaker  feel  at  ease.  "  Still-attentives  "  are  in 
3  D 


50  A  LECTURER'S  NOTE-BOOK. 

the  majority,  while  "  quick-responsives "  form  a 
charming  minority.  University  towns  are  the 
lecturer's  boon.  Culture  combined  with  young 
blood  is  prone  to  enthusiasm.  Next  in  sympathy 
are  capitals.  Abuse  politicians  as  we  may,  it  is 
no  less  a  fact  that  audiences  containing  a  large 
percentage  of  legislators  are  more  intelligently 
alive  than  almost  any  others.  Combine  univer 
sity  with  legislature,  as  in  the  case  of  Madison, 
the  beautiful  capital  of  Wisconsin,  and  the  lec 
turer  attains  the  acme  of  his  desires.  This  refer 
ence  to  Madison  reminds  me  of  a  treasure  its  His 
torical  Society  possesses  in  the  fac-simile  of  an 
epitaph  taken  from  a  tombstone  in  Williamsport, 
Pennsylvania,  and  which  is  too  unique  to  remain 
in  obscurity.  It  touchingly  describes  the  death 
of  a  youth,  killed  by  a  Colt's  revolver.  The  illus 
tration  is  worthy  of  the  artist  of  the  period. 


CONCERNING  AUDIENCES.  51 

SACRED  TO  THE  MEMORY  OP 

HENRY   HARRIS, 
Born  June  27,  1821  of  Henry  Harris 

and  Jane  his  wife, 
Died  on  the  4th  of  May  1837  by  the  kick  of  a  colt 

in  his  bowels.  . 

Peaceable  and  quiet,  a  friend  to  . 
his  father  and  mother  and  respected 
by  all  who  knew  him,  and  went 

to  the  world  where  horses 

don't  kick,  where  sorrows  and  weeping 

is  no  more. 

But  a  truce  to  colts ;  ct  nos  moutons !  It  is  a 
mistake  to  suppose  that  demonstration  increases 
in  the  ratio  of  distance  from  the  Atlantic  coast. 
Warmth  of  manner  is  not  in  the  least  a  matter  of 
latitude  or  longitude.  Like  the  good  city  of  Bos 
ton,  the  West  produces  the  coldest  as  well  as  the 
most  responsive  of  audiences ;  but  whoever  im 
agines  small  New  England  towns  to  be  intellectual 
ly  superior  to  those  in  the  West  that  have  been 
built  up  by  Yankee  energy  and  enterprise,  is 
laboring  under  a  lamentable  delusion.  Many  por 
tions  of  the  new  territory  are  New  England  with 
all  the  modern  improvements  of  generous  hos 
pitality,  toleration,  frankness,  and  taking  a  man 
for  what  he  is,  rather  than  for  what  his  ancestry 
was.  "  Well,  you  see,"  said  an  Eastern  man  to  a 


52  A   LECTURER'S  NOTE-BOOK. 

Chicago  merchant,  in  sounding  the  praises  of  a 
recent  importation  from  Philadelphia,  "  he  comes 
of  a  very  good  family.  His  grandfather  was  a 
very  distinguished  man." 

"Was  he?''  replied  the  incorrigible  Westerner. 
"  That  won't  wash  in  these  regions.  There  '*  less 
Laddyism  here  than  in  any  other  part  of  the  United 
States.  What  Js  he  himself  ?  "  Daddyism  is  an  in 
spiration.  Let  it  be  recorded  in  the  coming  Dic 
tionary  of  Americanisms. 

Without  wishing  to  believe  Buckle's  theory, 
that  in  every  age  just  so  many  people  go  to  the 
bad,  by  committing  murder,  arson,  etc.,  etc.,  the 
statistics  of  observation  lead  me  to  solemnly  as 
severate  that  even  in  the  best  of  audiences  one 
person  must  go  to  sleep  and  one  person  must  get 
up  and  go  out.  In  every  instance  this  one  person 
is  of  the  masculine  gender. 

The  sleeper  is  middle-aged,  frequently  gray- 
headed,  often  given  to  spectacles.  His  head  wags 
slowly  like  a  reversed  pendulum,  keeping  time  to 
the  measure  of  his  dreams.  As  a  rule,  he  dozes 
quietly ;  occasionally  he  snores,  and,  waking  up  at 
the  sound  of  his  own  voice,  becomes  deliciously 
absurd  in  his  endeavor  to  look  thoroughly  inno 
cent  of  the  indiscretion.  If  he  can  distract  at 
tention  from  himself  by  applauding  the  lecturer, 


CONCERNING  AUDIENCES.  53 

he  does  it  with  a  cordiality  worthy  of  imitation, 
and  in  five  minutes  more  —  is  wrapped  in  a  child 
like  slumber.  To  some  constitutions  there  is  no 
narcotic  like  a  lecture.  I  wonder  that  it  is  not 
prescribed  by  the  regular  faculty.  The  dose  is 
generally  allopathic,  and  far  less  serious  in  its  re 
sults  than  "  chloral."  I  atn  not  of  those  who  be 
lieve  that  it  permanently  affects  the  brain. 

L'homme  qui  dort  is  at  least  quiet,  but  the  get- 
up-and-go-outer  is  an  unmitigated  nuisance  for 
whose  suppression  a  law  should  be  passed.  He 
waits  until  the  lecturer  is  reciting  a  pathetic  poem 
or  is  endeavoring  to  produce  his  best  effect,  and 
then,  starting  from  the  point  farthest  from  the 
door,  drags  his  slow  length  along.  Like  the  old 
woman  at  Banbury  Cross,  he  makes  music  wher 
ever  he  goes,  for  there  is  music  in  his  soles. 
Creak,  creak,  creak,  until  every  head  is  turned 
and  every  eye  watches  the  progress  of  those  boots 
with  extraordinary  interest  and  attention.  There 
is  "  nothing  like  leather  "  in  the  lecture-room ;  and 
if  any  profound  student  in  hides  and  human  na 
ture  will  tell  me  why  country  boots  totally  eclipse 
city  boots  in  noise,  and  why  sane  men  and  women, 
almost  without  exception  and  under  every  circum 
stance  of  church,  theatre,  and  lyceum,  will  turn 
round  to  watch  the  progress  of  get-up-and-go-out- 


54  A  LECTURER'S  NOTEBOOK. 

ers,  he  will  confer  a  lasting  favor.  Concentration 
of  mind  is  the  rarest  of  all  acquirements.  Good 
talkers  are  far  more  numerous  than  good  listeners, 
and  I  pity  the  angel  Gabriel  if  he  expects  to  ob 
tain  undivided  attention  on  the  Day  of  Judgment. 
The  only  possibility  of  preserving  order  will  be  by 
confiscating  all  the  boots  before  looking  after  any 
of  the  souls. 

Once,  if  not  oftener,  in  a  lecturer's  career,  he 
will  undergo  the  humiliation  of  seeing  a  trium 
phant  rival  in  a  newspaper.  I  shall  never  for 
get  a  young  woman  in  a  yellow  bonnet  and  green 
shawl,  who  one  evening  sat  before  me  reading 
the  "New  York  Ledger."  I  do  not  believe  she 
heard  one  word  I  said.  She  did  not  once  raise 
her  eyes  ;  she  never  moved,  except  to  turn  a  page, 
and  I  was  so  much  more  interested  in  her  than 
she  was  in  me,  as  on  several  occasions  to  almost 
forget  myself  in  my  intense  desire  to  know  the 
title  of  the  absorbing  story.  As  it  was  very  long, 
and  was  adorned  with  very  black  and  white  wood 
cuts,  I  fancy  it  must  have  been  written  by  Syl 
van  us  Cobb,  Jr.  Gabriel  will  have  a  difficult  sub 
ject  in  this  young  woman,  if  the  "  Ledger  "  be 
continued  in  another  world. 


GOING   UP   THE   OHIO. 


T  is  quite  possible  to  travel  on  an  Ohio 
steamboat  and  not  come  to  an  untimely 
end.  I  have  tried  it  and  still  live  ^  but 
the  tortures  endured  that  first  experimental  night 
"  lambs  cannot  forgive,  nor  worms  forget." 


and 


All  boats  has  their  day  on  the  Mississip," 

With  "Jim  Bludso"  in  my  pocket, 

I  expected  while  in  bed 
To  go  up  like  any  rocket, 

And  come  down  as  good  as  dead. 

It  was  a  black  night,  and  the  red-hot  cinders  as 
they  shot  past  the  window  looked  like  the  fiery 
eyes  of  devouring  monsters.  "Capital  things  to 
set  fire  to  a  boat,"  I  thought.  "  Nice  inflammable 
material  down  below,  too,  that  I  saw  going  aboard. 
A  few  cinders  properly  disposed  are  all  that  is  ne 
cessary  to  make  ghosts  of  us 

'Afore  the  smokestacks  fall.'  " 


56  A   LECTURER'S  NOTE-BOOK. 

What  a  creature  a  high-pressure  engine  is  !  It 
snorts  and  puffs  and  blows  like  a  whale  with 
the  asthma  !  It  shivers  its  timbers  like  an  ele 
phant  with  the  ague  !  It  careens  and  cracks  as 
though  an  earthquake  were  at  hand.  It  has 
greater  capacity  for  doing  more  uncomfortable 
things  than  any  inanimate  creature  that  ever 
breathed.  Whenever  an  exposition  of  sleep  came 
upon  me,  we  made  a  landing,  and  then  the  thun 
ders  of  heaven  were  as  nothing  to  the  rumbling 
and  grumbling  of  discharging  freight.  Whenever 
I  thought  of  becoming  reconciled  to  the  situation, 
a  terrific  yell,  unequalled  by  the  most  fiendish 
war-whoop,  signalled  the  approach  of  a  "  down  " 
steamer,  and  the  possibilities  of  a  lively  collision 
were  added  to  other  pleasures  of  the  imagination. 
Nothing  happened,  however,  and  the  surprise  at 
being  alive  the  next  morning,  with  such  favorable 
opportunities  for  an  impromptu  and  inexpensive 
funeral,  gave  me  a  confidence  in  Western  steam 
boats  from  which  I  shall  never  recover. 

Daylight  brought  with  it  a  novel  phase  of  life,  for 
he  who  has  never  passed  a  day  in  a  Western  pilot 
house  knows  nothing  of  one  of  the  most  interest 
ing  modes  of  travelling.  It  may  snow  and  blow, 
but  there,  in  your  tight  little  glass  house  high  in 
the  air,  you  can  put  your  feet  on  a  red-hot  stove, 


GOING    UP   THE   OHIO.  57 

and  bid  defiance  to  the  elements,  while  your  eye 
embraces  the  landscape  far  and  near.  And  a 
beautiful  landscape  it  .often  is  on  the  sinuous 
Ohio,  well  christened  years  ago  "  la  belle  riviere." 
But  why  called  "  Ohio  "  ?  Nobody  seems  to  know, 
although  there  are  two  popular  answers  to  this 
question ;  the  first  being  that  when  three  Indians 
(three  people,  generally  three  brothers,  always  dis 
cover  everything)  first  beheld  this  river,  one  ex 
claimed,  "  0  !  "  the  second  "  Hi !  "  and  the  third 
11  0  !  "  which  rapturous  exclamations  become,  by  a 
short  sum  in  addition,  Ohio  !  The  second  answer, 
drawing  less  upon  the  credulity,  maintains  that 
0,  hi,  o,  were  the  syllables  sung  by  the  Indians  in 
keeping  time  with  their  oars  as  they  rowed  up  and 
down  the  river.  Whatever  its  origin,  the  word  is 
as  rich  and  round  in  sound  as  the  great  State  is  in 
fact. 

Sight  is  not  the  only  faculty  gratified  in  this 
glass  house  where  one  may  throw  stones  to  the  top 
of  one's  bent  without  fear  of  the  retort  courteous. 
The  pilot-house  is  the  steamboat  exchange  where 
the  favored  few  seek  refuge  when  they  would 
escape  from  the  cabin's  terrible  silence  and  all-per 
vading  melancholy.  There,  when  off  duty,  the 
captain  "loafs  and  invites  his  soul,"  there  the  pilot 
may  be  interviewed,  there  all  the  stories  are  told, 
3* 


58  A  LECTURER'S  NOTE-BOOK. 

and  there  all  the  laughing  is  done.  I  have  rarely 
felt  more  at  home  than  in  that  Ohio  pilot-house, 
for  every  man  present  was  a  thoroughly  natural, 
manly  character,  with  the  instincts  of  a  gentleman. 
The  captain's  clothes  had  not  been  cut  by  a  fashion 
able  tailor,  but,  strange  as  it  may  seem,  this  did 
not  render  him  the  less  chivalrous.  There  was 
something  absolutely  touching  in  the  gentleness 
and  courtesy  of  that  great,  strong,  externally 
rough,  internally  big-hearted  man.  And  the  esti 
mate  he  had  of  women  made  me  feel  that  I  for 
one  ought  to  go  to  work  to  deserve  it.  "  Why, 
there  's  no  doubt  about  it,  women  are  a  great  deal 
better  than  men.  I  think  they  're  superior  to  us 
all  round.  I  don't  take  to  woman  suffrage,  be 
cause  it  seems  to  me  that  women  have  more  to  do 
now  than  they  can  attend  to.  They  are  worked 
to  death.  I  don't  think  the  Lord  ever  intended 
they  should  have  so  much  put  upon  them  ;  men 
are  stronger,  and  ought  to  take  care  of  them." 

"  That  's  all  right  enough,"  replied  a  male  pas 
senger,  "but  what  has  work  got  to  do  with  suffrage  1 
Tell  me  that.  It  is  n't  going  to  increase  women's 
cares.  It 's  going  to  make  them  think  more,  but 
thinking  does  n't  hurt  people  ;  it 's  good  for  them. 
Women  are  not  obliged  to  hold  office  if  they  don't 
want  to.  And  how  much  time  does  voting  re- 


GOING    UP    THE   OHIO.  59 

quire  1  Not  half  as  much  as  making  a  call  and 
serving  up  a  dish  of  gossip.  I  tell  you  what  it  is, 
this  woman's  suffrage  has  got  to  come,  and  it  's 
going  to  give  women  the  same  rights  we  have,  and 
it  is  n't  going  to  make  them  less  women  either. 
That 's  what  you  're  all  afraid  of." 

"  Well,"  said  the  captain,  "  I  can't  quite  see  it ; 
but  if  women  want  to  vote,  I  '11  never  oppose  them. 
They  generally  want  to  do  what 's  about  the  thing, 
and  I  don't  think  men  have  any  right  to  tell 
them  what  they  shall  and  what  they  sha'  n't  do." 

"  That 's  it,"  answered  the  passenger.  "  Try  the 
thing  on  yourself,  and  see  how  you  like  it." 

"  I  believe  in  letting  women  have  their  own 
way,"  said  the  pilot,  who  until  then  had  preserved 
an  unbroken  silence.  "Guess  they  can't  make 
matters  worse  than  they  are." 

"  That  's  so,"  echoed  a  voice  ;  and  for  an  hour 
the  pros  and  cons  of  woman  suffrage  were  dis 
cussed  in  a  spirit  that  might  be  imitated  by 
Beacon  Street  and  Fifth  Avenue  with  great  profit. 
Every  man  kept  his  temper.  Nobody  called  any 
body  "  unwomanly,"  or  "  scoundrel,"  or  "  fool," 
or  "  shrieking  sisterhood,"  which  last  is  the  most 
recent  pet  name  of  derision  ;  and  the  final  verdict 
rendered  was  "  to  do  the  right  thing  by  woman, 
and  make  her  man's  equal  before  the  law." 


60  A  LECTURER'S  NOTE-BOOK. 

Naturally  enough  the  conversation  turned  upon 
the  "  New  York  Tribune,"  the  one  subject  about 
which  every  human  being  in  the  United  States  has 
an  opinion.  Then  spake  a  wonderfully  preserved 
old  man,  who  looked  young  enough  to  be  Mr. 
Greeley's  son. 

"  Why,  I  'm  as  old  as  Horace  Greeley,  and  I  re 
member  when  he  started  the  '  New-Yorker.'  I 
was  a  New-Yorker  myself  at  that  time.  Good 
gracious,  how  that  city  has  changed  !  I  remember 
I  owned  a  large  lot  on  the  corner  of  Broadway  and 
Canal  Street.  Bless  you,  I  sold  it  one  day  at  what 
I  considered  a  bargain  !  If  I'd  only  held  on,  I  'd 
have  been  worth  a  sight  of  money.  And  Horace,  — 
well,  he  's  fought  it  out  on  one  line  all  these  years, 
and  I  must  say  he  's  done  first-rate  on  the  whole. 
He 's  got  the  queerest  lot  of  kinks  in  his  head  of 
any  sensible  man  I  ever  knew,  but,  after  all,  he  's 
on  the  right  side.  He  's  honest,  and  that 's  more 
than  you  can  say  for  the  rest  of  'em.  I  get  as  mad 
—  why,  I  get  as  mad  as  —  well,  no  matter  what  — 
with  the  "  Tribune  "  sometimes,  and  I  tell  my  wife 
I  '11  stop  it,  but  she  brings  me  to  my  senses  by- 
asking  me  how  I  'm  to  better  myself.  So  I  hang  on, 
and,  take  it  all  round,  get  my  money's  worth.  But 
we  were  talking  about  lecturing,"  he  continued. 
"  Well,  now,  there  ?s  Western  Virginia ;  why  don't 


GOING    UP   THE   OHIO.  61 

you  make  us  a  visit,  and  tell  the  people  of  the 
United  States  what  a  great  country  it  is,  and  what 
undeveloped  resources  it  has  1  There  is  n't  a  man 
in  Washington  knowrs  anything  about  it.  Every 
body  goes  tearing  off  to  California,  and  here  's 
something  under  their  very  noses  they  won't  look 
at.  Why,  even  Horace  Greeley  pretends  to  visit 
Virginia,  but  he  hangs  round  Norfolk,  and  goes 
home  as  ignorant  of  the  western  part  of  the  old 
State  as  when  he  went.  We  never  took  to  slav 
ery.  We  were  always  on  the  other  side  of  the 
fence,  and  none  of  you  writers  come  near  us.  All 
we  require  is  to  be  written  up.  Why  don't  the 
Yankee  girls  come  down  and  give  us  a  few  lessons 
in  matters  and  things  1  I  know  we  're  all  pretty 
rough,  but  I  tell  you  we  've  got  '  grit,'  and  every 
one  of  those  girls  would  find  a  first-rate  husband. 
Instead  of  which  they  stay  there  in  Massachusetts 
and  live  and  die  old  maids.  I  tell  you  it  is  n't  right. 
They  ought  to  leave  home.  The  country  needs 
them,  and  if  they  knew  what  's  good  for  them  as 
well  as  I  do,  they  would.  There  's  no  more  reason 
why  women  should  stick  in  one  place  than  men. 
I  believe  in  work  for  everybody.  These  dolls  of 
girls  that  do  nothing,  what  do  they  amount  to  1 
They  ain't  worth  their  feed.  They  're  just  about 
as  much  use  in  the  world  as  poodles,  and  I  'd 


62  A  LECTURER'S  NOTE-BOOK. 

enough  sight  rather  board  a  poodle,  for  he  costs 
less.  I  tell  you  society  is  all  wrong,  and  we  'ye 
got  to  have  a  revolution  if  we  want  republican 
institutions  to  last.  We  've  got  rid  of  slavery, 
and  now  we  must  get  rid  of  all  these  confounded 
notions  about  what  makes  ladies  and  gentlemen. 
I  want  to  see  full-length  men  and  women,  /  do." 

By  all  means  let  us  have  them,  instead  of  these 
quarter-views. 

"How  do  these  people  communicate  with  the 
world  1 "  I  asked,  pointing  to  isolated  shanties  on 
the  banks  of  the  river.  "  Where  do  they  go  for 
letters  and  papers  ?  " 

"  They  don't  communicate.  They  never  go  any 
where  for  letters  and  papers.  Most  of  'em  can't 
read,"  answered  the  pilot. 

"  Whom  do  they  vote  for  ]  " 

'•  General  Jackson  !  " 

"  Well,  you  may  laugh,  but  it  's  true,"  said  a 
gentleman.  "  I  happened  into  one  of  these  shan 
ties  shortly  after  the  war,  and  the  man  asked  me 
my  name.  '  Grant,'  I  replied." 

"  Seems  to  me  I  've  heard  that  name  before. 
He  fit  in  the  war,  did  n't  he  ? " 

"  Yes." 

"  I  thought  so,  but  I  don't  remember  which  side 
he  fit  on." 


GOING    UP    THE   OHIO.  63 

And  this  is  enlightened,  newspaper-reading,  pa 
triotic  America  ! 

Conversation  flagging,  I  took  "  Jim  Bludso " 
from  my  pocket,  and,  handing  it  to  my  friend  the 
captain,  asked  him  what  he  thought  of  it.  The 
captain,  who  had  been  poking  the  fire,  sat  down 
and  read  the  poem  through  once,  twice,  thrice. 
"  Well,"  said  he  at  last,  "  I  ain't  no  great  hand  at 
poetry,  but  this  is  sort  of  in  my  line.  He  's  got 
some  terms  a  little  out  of  the  perpendicular,  and 
he  's  got  engineer  and  pilot  a  little  mixed  ;  other 
wise  he  's  hit  it  pretty  well.  About  the  truest 
thing  he  says  is 

'  One  wife  in  Natchez-under-the-Hill, 
And  another  one  here  in  Pike.' 

Here,  Jim,  you  read  it."  And  the  captain  stood  at 
the  wheel  while  "  Jim  "  read  the  poem  with  an  in 
terested  expression  of  face.  "  Yes,  he  's  played 
Hail  Columbia  with  a  few  things,  but  it  ain't 
bad." 

"  Let  me  study  that  poetry.  Let  me  keep  it 
till  I  stop  for  you  going  down  day  after  to-morrow, 
and  then  I  '11  tell  you  just  what  I  think  about  it," 
said  the  captain,  carefully  folding  up  "  Jim  Blud 
so  "  and  putting  it  in  his  vest-pocket. 

Alas  !  "  day  after  to-morrow  "  never  came.     The 


64 


A  LECTURER'S  NOTE-BOOK, 


captain  was  detained  up  the  river  by  freight,  tele 
graphed  his  regrets,  I  was  obliged  to  descend  to 
the  ignominy  of  car  travelling,  and  Colonel  Hay 
will  never  know  the  final  judgment  upon  "Jim 
Bludso." 


RUMINATING   ANIMALS. 

u  In  the  fourth  century  a  powerful  but  perverse  sectary  im 
bibed  the  idea  that  the  air  was  filled  with  unholy  legions,  and 
that  it  inhaled  devils  at  every  breath.  Brooding  over  this 
fantasy,  it  gradually  became  to  him  the  most  important  and 
reasonable  of  truths,  and  he  started  a  new  heresy,  — that  of  the 
Messalians, — which  made  spitting  a  religious  exercise,  in  the 
hope  of  casting  out  the  devils  thus  breathed  in.  In  ti-avelling 
in  our  steamboats  and  railroad  cars,  one  sometimes  suspects 
that  this  belief  has  numerous  American  disciples,  as  it  is  the 
only  religion  whose  rites  are  there  scrupulously  observed,  and 
as  the  constant  invocation  of  its  worshippers  appears  to  be, 
'  Expectoration,  heavenly  maid,  descend  !  '  " 

E.  P.  WHIPPLE. 

|T  must  be  so,  otherwise  wh.it  does  it 
mean  1  Or  is  it  with  men  as  with  horned 
cattle  that  always  keep  a  cud  in  their 
mouths'?  "If  the  creature  happens  to  lose  its 
cud,"  says  Dr.  Holmes  on  the  authority  of  his 
bucolic  friends,  "it  must  have  an  artificial  one 
given  it,  or  it  will  pine,  and  perhaps  die."  Is  the 
quid  as  necessary  to  man  as  the  cud  to  horned 
cattle  ]  Can  he  discover  no  quid  pro  quo  for  his 


66  A  LECTURER'S  NOTE-BOOK. 

present  disgusting  habit]  How  much  more  of  a 
beast  is  he  in  his  quid-dities  than  horned  cattle 
in  their  cm/-dities !  Who  ever  saw  four-legged 
animals  expectorate1?  They  ruminate  without 
detriment  to  the  green  carpet  beneath  their  feet, 
while  two-legged  man  carries  ruin  in  his  trail. 
Better  a  slimy  hippopotamus  or  a  ventilated 
kerosene  tank  for  a  travelling  neighbor  than  a 
great  American  spitter  ! 

In  steamboats  you  can  escape  the  rain  of  ter 
ror.  Ruminating  animals  have  a  cabin  to  them 
selves,  where,  planting  their  feet  on  the  stove,  they 
can  in  mute  conclave  "  spit  round  sociable."  But 
the  hair-breadth  'scapes  by  flood  in  cars  are  of  a 
nature  to  try  the  patience  of  Job  himself.  Like 
the  course  of  empire, 

Westward  Expectoration  takes  its  way, 

and  the  farther  you  leave  the  Atlantic  Ocean 
behind  you,  the  nearer  you  are  to  an  ocean  of 
another  color,  that  is  by  no  means  favorable  to 
navigation.  To  champion  chewers  the  floor  of  a 
car  is  one  vast  spittoon,  and  he  is  the  best  fellow 
who  covers  the  greatest  amount  of  surface.  What 
their  aim  will  be  it  is  impossible  to  calculate,  for 
they  fire  as  wildly  as  did  our  friend  Winkle  when 
he  aimed  at  rooks  and  brought  down  Tupman's 


RUMINATING  ANIMALS.  67 

arm.  There  are  chewers  who  do  "  a  neat  thing  " 
in  expectoration,  hitting  a  stove  at  ten  paces,  but 
they  are .  rare.  The  common  variety  pursue  an 
irregular  method  of  warfare,  and  are  as  indifferent 
to  public  opinion  as  though  public  opinion  did  not 
exist.  They  do  not  seem  to  know  that  they  are 
not  models  of  deportment.  "Sometimes  I  feel 
just  like  pitching  those  tobacco-chewing  fellows 
out  of  the  window,"  said  a  conductor  of  a 
"  through  "  sleeping-car,  not  long  ago.  li  We  go 
to  an  awful  sight  of  expense  getting  up  these  cars, 
and  just  to  head  off  these  fellows  we  put  a  big 
spittoon  in  every  section,  but  it  don't  do  one  par 
ticle  of  good.  Whenever  they  can  choose  between 
a  new  velvet  carpet  and  a  spittoon,  darned  if  they 
don't  make  for  the  carpet !  I  was  tickled  enough 
the  other  day.  One  of  those  chewers  was  at  it,  and, 
getting  tired  of  his  own  side  of  the  car,  he  took  to 
firing  in  the  aisle,  and  the  lady  in  the  opposite 
seat  began  to  gather  up  her  skirts.  Finally  he 
got  so  near  that  she  could  n't  stand  it  any  longer. 

" '  Mister,'  said  she,  '  where  do  you  live  when 
you  are  at  home  1 ' 

"'With  my  wife.' 

" '  Do  you  keep  house  1 ' 

"'Yes.' 

"  '  What  sort  of  a  house  is  it  1* 


68  A  LECTURER'S  NOTE-BOOK. 

"  '  Very  nice  house.' 

"  '  Do  you  spit  about  it  as  you  are  spitting 
about  this  car  1 ' 

" '  Yes,  madam  \  I  do  as  I  please  in  my  own 
house.' 

"  '  Then,  sir,  I  advise  you  to  stay  at  home,  for 
people  who  don't  please  to  be  decent  ought  never 
to  be  permitted  to  travel.' 

"  Well,  I  never  saw  a  fellow  so  taken  down.  At 
first  he  did  n't  see  what  was  coming,  but  that  last 
hit  was  an  eye-opener.  He  looked  mad,  but  did  n't 
dare  to  say  anything,  and  after  that  he  fired  out 
of  the  window." 

I  am  persuaded  that  women  are  to  blame  for 
the  continuance  of  a  vile  habit  peculiar  to  this 
country,  for  if  they  protested  against  it  the  remedy 
might  be  found.  Many  men  who  chew  are  as 
good  and  generous  and  gentlemanly  (at  heart)  as 
the  best  in  the  land ;  and  if  the  girls  whom  they 
love  did  their  duty,  American  society  would  be  a 
much  pleasanter  spectacle  than  it  is  at  present. 
A  woman  "  weakly  and  amiably  in  the  right  is  no 
match  for  "  a  man  "  tenaciously  and  pugnaciously 
in  the  wrong."  The  majority  of  women  are  mere 
figure-heads,  for  the  reason  that  they  possess 
neither  sufficient  character  nor  courage  to  protest 
against  anything.  They  are  neuter  verbs,  and 


RUMINATING  ANIMALS.  69 

•whatever  is,  is  to  be.  If  women  are  better  than 
men,  it  is  time  they  gave  some  evidence  of  it  by 
improving  the  tone  of  society.  I  shall  never  for 
get  a  recent  scene  in  a  hotel  parlor,  of  which  I  was 
a  curious  and  astounded  spectator.  Two  very 
young  men  were  "keeping  company"  with  two 
young  girls.  The  two  couples  occupied  two  sofas 
in  two  corners  of  the  room,  a  huge  stove  acting  as 
a  species  of  barricade  between  them.  One  young 
man  wore  his  hat,  and  sat  with  his  feet  elevated  at 
an  obtuse  angle.  He  held  his  sweetheart's  hand, 
and  she  smiled  upon  him  blandly.  The  other 
young  man  lay  upon  the  other  sofa  diversifying 
the  entertainment  by  uninterrupted  expectoration, 
selecting  the  stove  for  a  target.  Being  energeti 
cally  devoted  to  this  romantic  action,  the  latter  was 
not  equal  to  any  outward  demonstration  of  affec 
tion,  so  he  put  both  of  his  hands  in  his  pockets. 
Inamorata  Number  Two  seemed  to  be  perfectly 
satisfied ;  at  least  she  looked  so.  My  first  glimpse 
of  these  charming  groups  was  at  two  o'clock  in  the 
afternoon.  Upon  returning  at  four  o'clock,  their 
positions  were  the  same.  At  seven  in  the  even 
ing,  the  bulletin  of  observation  announced  "no 
change."  For  aught  I  know,  these  lovers  may 
have  become  rooted  to  the  spot.  Now  a  few 
words  of  kindly  remonstrance  to  Lover  Number 


70  A  LECTURER  $  XOTE-BOOK. 

One  would  have  pat  his  hat  and  boots  where  they 
belonged.  The  case  of  Lover  Number  Two  re 
quired  more  heroic  treatment,  lor  women  have  bat 
one  more  powerful  and  defiant  rival  than  tobacco, 
and  that  is  alcohol;  nevertheless,  1  km  known 
men  to  renounce  tobacco  quids  for  the  women 
they  loved,  and  the  man  who  wifl  not  sacrifice  a 
vice  to  gain  affection  is  not  worth  having.  Both 
yoong  fellows  looked  thoroughly  good-natured, 
and  might  have  been  made  better  had  their 
sweethearts  realized  the  situation;  bat  when 
women  are  as  callous  as  men,  where  is  the  hope 
of  improvement!  If  such  swains  marry,  then- 
children  will  be  as  uncouth  as  themselves.  What 
a  pity  it  is  that  public  schools  do  not  teach 
manners  as  wefl  as  reading,  writing,  and  arith 
metic! 

Fancv  a  man  talking  sentiment  with  two  yellow 
rivulets  flowing  from  the  comers  of  his  month ! 
But  what  is  the  use  of  expostulating!  As  a  great 
En^ish  writer  once  said  privately,  "  People  nowa 
days  can  be  tickled  into  anything,  frightened  into 
most  things,  beaten  into  all  but  common-sense, 
kicked  anywhere  but  into  heaven, — but  talked 
into  nothing !"  So  long  ^  ««  chewing  to 

bacco"  (how  significant  the  name !)  is  advertised, 
the  ocean  of  Expectoration  will  flow  on. 


A   RIVAL   ENTERTAINMENT. 

OXCE  heard  a  bright  child  declare  that 
if  circuses  were  prohibited  in  heaven, 
she  did  not  wish  to  go  there.  She  had 
been  baptized,  was  under  Christian  influences,  and, 
previous  to  this  heterodoxy,  had  never  given  her 
good  parents  a  moment's  anxiety.  Her  naive  ut 
terance  touched  a  responsive  chord  within  my  own 
breast,  for  well  did  I  remember  how  gloriously  the 
circus  shone  by  the  light  of  other  days ;  how  the 
ring-master,  in  a  wrinkled  dress-coat,  seemed  the 
most  enviable  of  mortals,  being  on  speaking  terms 
with  all  the  celestial  creatures  who  jumped  over 
flags  and  through  balloons ;  how  the  clown  was 
the  dearest,  funniest  of  men  :  how  the  young  ath 
letes  in  tights  and  spangles  were  my  beau-ideals  of 
masculinity ;  and  how  La  Belle  Rose,  with  one  foot 
upon  her  native  heath,  otherwise  a  well-padded 
saddle,  and  the  other  pointed  in  the  direction  of 
the  sweet  little  cherubs  that  sat  up  aloft,  was  the 


72  A  LECTURER'S  NOTE-BOOK. 

most  fascinating  of  her  sex.  I  am  persuaded  that 
circuses  fill  an  aching  void  in  the  universe.  What 
children  did  before  their  invention  I  shudder  to 
think,  for  circuses  are  to  childhood  what  butter  is 
to  bread ;  and  what  the  wrorld  did  before  the  birth 
of  Barnum  is  an  almost  equally  frightful  problem. 
Some  are  born  to  shows,  others  attain  shows,  and 
yet  again  others  have  shows  thrust  upon  them. 
Barnum  is  a  born  showman.  If  ever  a  man  ful 
filled  his  destiny,  it  is  the  discoverer  of  Tom 
Thumb.  With  the  majority  of  men  and  women 
life  is  a  failure.  Not  until  one  leg  dangles  in  the 
grave  is  their  raison  d'etre  disclosed.  The  round 
people  always  find  themselves  sticking  in  the 
square  holes,  and  vice  versa;  but  with  Barnum  we 
need  not  deplore  a  vie  manquee.  We  can  smile  at 
his  reverses,  for  even  the  phoenix  has  cause  to 
blush  in  his  presence.  Though  pursued  by  tongues 
of  fire,  Barnum  remains  invincible  when  iron, 
stone,  and  mortar  crumble  around  him ;  and  while 
yet  the  smoke  is  telling  volumes  of  destruction, 
the  cheery  voice  of  the  showman  exclaims,  "  Here 
you  are,  gentlemen  ;  admission  fifty  cents,  children 
half  price." 

Apropos  of  Barnum,  once  in  my  life  I  gave  my 
self  up  to  unmitigated  joy.  Weary  of  lecturing, 
singing  the  song  "  I  would  I  were  a  boy  again,"  I 


A  RIVAL  ENTERTAINMENT.  73 

went  to  see  the  elephant.  To  speak  truly,  I  saw 
not  one  elephant,  but  half  a  dozen.  I  had  a  feast 
of  roaring  and  a  flow  of  circus.  In  fact  I  indulged 
in  the  wildest  dissipation.  I  visited  Barnum's  cir 
cus  and  sucked  peppermint  candy  in  a  way  most 
childlike  and  bland.  The  reason  seems  obscure, 
but  circuses  and  peppermint  candy  are  as  insepa 
rable  as  peanuts  and  the  Bowery.  Appreciating 
this  solemn  fact,  Barnuin  provides  bigger  sticks 
adorned  with  bigger  red  stripes  than  ever  Romans 
sucked  in  the  palmy  days  of  the  Coliseum.  In  the 
dim  distance  I  mistook  them  for  barbers'  poles, 
but  upon  direct  application  I  recognized  them  for 
my  long  lost  own, 

However,  let  mo,  like  the  Germans,  begin  with 
the  creation.  "  Here,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  is  for 
sale  Mr.  Barnum's  Autobiography,  full  of  interest 
and  anecdote,  one  of  the  most  charming  produc 
tions  ever  issued  from  the  press,  900  pages,  32  full- 
page  engravings,  reduced  from  $3.50  to  $1.50. 
Every  purchaser  enters  free." 

How  ordinary  mortals  can  resist  buying  Bar 
num's  Autobiography  for  one  dollar  —  such  a  bar 
gain  as  never  was  —  is  incomprehensible.  I  believe 
they  cannot.  I  believe  they  do  their  duty  like 
men.  As  one  man  I  resisted,  because  I  belong  to 

7  £? 

the  press,  and  therefore  am  not  mortal.    Who  ever 
4- 


74  A  LECTURER'S  NOTE-BOOK. 

heard  of  a  journalist  getting  a  bargain  ?  With 
Spartan  firmness  I  turned  a  deaf  ear  to  the  per 
suasive  music  of  the  propagandist,  and  entered 
where  hope  is  all  before.  I  was  not  staggered  by 
a  welcome  from  all  the  Presidents  of  the  United 
States,  Fitz-Greeue  Halleck,  General  Hooker,  and 
Gratz  Brown.  These  personages  are  rather  woocl- 
eny  and  red  about  the  face,  as  though  flushed 
with  victories  of  the  platform  or  the  table,  but  I 
recognized  their  fitness  in  a  menagerie.  What 
athlete  has  turned  more  somersaults  than  some  of 
these  representative  men  ?  What  lion  has  roared 
more  gently  than  a  few  of  these  sucking  doves  1 
Barnum's  tact  in  appropriately  grouping  curiosi 
ties,  living  and  dead,  is  too  well  known  to  require 
comment.  Passing  what  Sam  Weller  would  call 
"  a  reg'lar  knock-down  of  intellect,"  I  took  my  seat 
high  in  the  air  amid  a  dense  throng  of  my  fellow- 
creatures,  and  realized  how  many  people  it  takes 
to  make  up  the  world.  What  did  I  see  ?  I  saw 
double.  I  beheld  not  one  ring  but  two,  in  each 
of  which  the  uncommon  variety  of  man  was  dis 
porting  in  an  entertaining  manner.  I  felt  for 
these  uncommon  men.  Think  what  immortal 
hates  must  arise  from  these  dual  performances  ! 
We  all  like  to  receive  the  reward  of  merit,  but 
when  two  performances  are  going  on  simulta- 


A  RIVAL  ENTERTAINMENT.  75 

neously,  how  are  the  artists  to  know  for  whom  it 
is  intended  1  Applause  is  the  sweet  compensation 
for  which  all  strive  privately  or  publicly,  and  to 
be  cheated  out  of  it,  or  left  in  doubt  as  to  its 
destination,  is  a  refined  form  of  the  Inquisition. 
Fancy  the  sensations  of  the  man  balancing  plates 
on  the  little  end  of  nothing,  —  a  feat  to  which  he 
has  consecrated  his  life,  —  at  thought  of  his  neigh 
bor's  performance  of  impossible  feats  in  the  air  ! 
It  would  be  more  than  human  in  both  not  to  wish 
the  other  in  Jericho,  or  in  some  equally  remote 
quarter  of  the  globe.  I  sympathized  with  them. 
I  became  bewildered  in  my  endeavors  to  keep  one 
eye  on  each.  If  human  beings  were  constructed 
on  the  same  principles  as  Janus,  and  had  two 
faces,  a  fore-and-aft  circus  would  be  convenient; 
but  as  nowadays  double-faced  people  only  wear 
two  eyes  in  their  heads,'  the  Barnumian  concep 
tion  muddles  the  intellect.  I  pray  you,  great  and 
glorious  showman,  take  pity  on  your  artists  and 
your  audiences.  Don't  drive  the  former  mad  and 
the  latter  distracted.  Remember  that  insanity  is 
on  the  increase,  and  that  accommodations  in  asy 
lums  are  limited.  Take  warning  before  you  under 
mine  the  reason  of  an  entire  continent.  Beware  ! 
Beware ! 

I  hear  much  and  see  more  of  the  physical  weak- 


76  A  LECTURER'S  NOTE-BOOK. 

ness  of  woman.     Michelet  tells  the  sentimental 
world  that  woman  is  an  exquisite  invalid,  with  a 
perennial  headache  and  nerves  perpetually  on  the 
rack.     It  is  a  mistake.     When  I  gaze  upon  Ger 
man  and  French  peasant-women,  I  ask  Michelet 
which  is  right,  he  or  Nature ']     And  since  my  in 
troduction  to  Barnurn's  female  gymnast,  —  a  good- 
looking,    well-formed    mother   of    a   family,    who 
walks  about  unflinchingly  with  men  and  boys  on 
her  shoulders,  and  carries  .a    300-pound  gun    as 
easily  as  the   ordinary  woman  carries  a  clothes- 
basket,  —  I  have  been  persuaded  that  "  the  com 
ing  woman,"  like  Brother  Jonathan,  will  "lick  all 
creation."     In  that  good  time,  woman  will  have 
her   rights    because    she    will    have    her   muscle. 
Then,  if  there  are  murders  and  playful  beatings 
between  husbands  and  wives,  the  wives  will  enjoy 
all  the  glory  of  crime.     What  an  outlook  !     And 
what   a   sublime    consolation  to   the  present  en 
feebled  race  of  wives  that  are  having  their  throats 
cut   and   their   eyes   carved   out   merely  because 
their  biceps  have  not  gone  into  training !     Bar- 
num's  female  gymnast  is  an  example  to  her  sex. 
W  hat    woman   has    done  woman   may  do   again. 
Mothers,  train  up  your  daughters  in  the  way  they 
should  fight,  and  when  they  are  married  they  will 
not  depart  this  life.     God  is  on  the  side  of  the 


A  RIVAL  ENTERTAINMENT.  77 

stoutest  muscle  as  well  as  of  the  heaviest  battal 
ions.  It  is  perfectly  useless  to  talk  about  the 
equality  of  the  sexes  as  long  as  a  man  can 
strangle  his  own  mother-in-law. 

I  was  exceedingly  thrilled  by  the  appearance  of 
the  two  young  gentlemen  from  the  Cannibal 
Islands,  who  are  beautifully  embossed  in  green 
and  red,  and  compassionated  them  for  the  sacrifices 
they  make  in  putting  on  blankets  and  civilization. 
Is  it  right  to  deprive  them  of  their  daily  bread,  — 
I  mean  their  daily  baby  1  Think  what  self-restraint 
they  must  exercise  while  gazing  upon  the  toothsome 
infants  that  congregate  at  the  circus !  That  they 
do  gaze  and  smack  their  overhanging  lips  I  know, 
because,  after  going  through  their  cannibalistic 
dance,  they  sat  behind  me  and  howled  in  a  sub 
dued  manner.  The  North  American  Indian  who 
occupied  an  adjoining  seat,  favored  me  with  a 
translation  of  their  charming  conversation,  by 
which  I  learned  many  important  facts  concerning 
man  as  an  article  of  diet.  It  appears  that  babies, 
after  all,  do  not  make  the  daintiest  morsels.  Ten 
der  they  are,  of  course,  but,  being  immature,  they 
have  not  the  rich  flavor  of  a  youthful  adult. 
This  seems  reasonable.  Veal  is  tender,  but 
can  it  be  favorably  compared  with  beef]  The 
cases  are  parallel.  The  embossed  young  men  con- 


78  A  LECTURER'S  NOTE-BOOK. 

sider  babies  excellent  for  entrees,  but  for  roasts 
there  is  nothing  like  plump  maidens  in  their 
teens.  Men  of  twenty  are  not  bad  eating.  When 
older,  they  are  invariably  boiled.  Commenting 
upon  the  audience,  the  critics  did  not  consider  it 
appetizing;  and,  strange  as  it  may  appear,  I  felt 
somewhat  hurt  by  the  remark,  for  who  is  not  vain 
enough  to  wish  to  look  gooa  enough  to  eat  1  Fancy 
being  shipwrecked  off  the  Fiji  Islands,  and  dis 
carded  by  cannibals  as  a  tough  subject,  while  your 
companions  are  literally  killed  with  attention ! 
Can  you  not  imagine,  that,  under  such  circum 
stances,  a  peculiar  jealousy  of  the  superior  ten 
derness  of  your  friends  would  be  a  thorn  in  the 
flesh,  rendering  existence  a  temporary  burden  1  If 
we  lived  among  people  who  adored  squinting, 
should  we  not  all  take  to  it,  and  cherish  it  as  the 
apple  of  our  eye  1  And  if  we  fell  among  anthro 
pophagi,  would  not  our  love  of  approbation  make 
us  long  to  be  as  succulent  as  young  pigs  1  -What 
glory  to  escape  from  the  jaws  of  death,  if  the 
jaws  repudiate  us  ?  So  long  as  memory  holds  a 
seat  in  this  distracted  brain,  I  shall  entertain  un 
pleasant  feelings  toward  the  embossed  young  gen 
tlemen  who  did  not  sigh  to  fasten  their  affections 
—  otherwise  their  teeth  —  on  me.  It  was  worse 
than  a  crime  :  it  was  bad  taste. 


A  RIVAL   ENTERTAINMENT.  79 

Roaming  among  the  wild  animals,  I  made  the 
acquaintance  of  the  cassowary,  in  which  I  have 
been  deeply  interested  since  childhood's  sunny 
hours,  for  then  't  was  oft  I  sang  a  touching  hymn 
running  thus  :  — 

"If  I  were  a  cassowary 

Far  away  in  Tirabuctoo, 
I  should  eat  a  missionary, 
Hat,  and  boots,  and  hymn-book  too." 

From  that  hour  the  cassowary  occupied  a  large 
niche  in  my  heart.  The  desire  to  gaze  upon  a 
bird  capable  of  digesting  food  to  which  even  the 
ostrich  never  aspired,  pursued  me  by  day  and 
tinctured  my  dreams  by  night.  "  What  you  seek 
for  all  your  life  you  will  come  upon  suddenly  when 
the  whole  family  is  at  dinner,"  says  Thoreau.  I 
met  the  cassowary  at  dinner.  He  was  dining  alone, 
having  left  his  family  in  Africa,  and  I  must  say 
that  I  never  met  with  a  greater  disappointment. 
Were  it  not  for  the  touching  intimation  of  the 
hymn,  I  should  believe  it  impossible  for  him  to 
eat  a  missionary.  A  quieter,  more  amiable  bird 
never  stood  on  two  legs.  A  polite  attendant 
stirred  him  up  for  me,  yet  his  temper  and  his 
feathers  remained  unruffled.  Perhaps  if  our  geo 
graphical  position  had  changed  to  Timbuctoo,  and 
I  had  been  a  missionary  with  hymn-book  in  hand, 


80  A  LECTURER'S  NOTE-BOOK. 

the  cassowary   might  have  realized   my  expecta 
tions.     As  it  was,  one  more  illusion  vanished. 

In  order  to  regain  my  spirits,  I  shook  hands 
with  the  handsome  giant  in  brass  buttons ;  and 
speaking  of  giants  leads  me  to  the  subject  of  all 
lusus  nature?,  particularly  the  Circassian  young 
lady,  the  dwarf,  the  living  skeleton,  the  Albinos, 
and  What-is-it.  I  have  dropped  more  than  one 
tear  at  the  fate  of  these  unfortunate  beings;  for 
what  is  more  horribly  solitary  than  to  live  in  a 
strange  crowd,  with 

"  No  one  to  love, 
None  to  caress"? 

Noah  was  human.  When  he  retired  to  the  ark, 
he  selected  two  of  a  kind  from  all  the  animal 
kingdom  for  the  sake  of  sociability  as  well  as  for 
more  practical  purposes.  Showmen  should  be 
equally  considerate.  To  think  of  those  Albino 
sisters  with  never  an  Albino  beau,  of  the  Cir 
cassian  beauty  with  never  a  Circassian  sweet 
heart,  of  the  living  skeleton  with  never  an 
other  skeleton  in  his  closet  (how  he  can  look 
so  good-natured  would  be  most  mysterious,  were 
not  his  digestion  pronounced  perfect),  to  think 
of  the  wretched  Wliat-is-it  with  never  a  Mrs. 
What-is-it,.  produces  unspeakable  anguish.  May 
they  meet  their  affinities  in  another  and  a  more 


A  RIVAL  ENTERTAINMENT.  81 

sympathetic  world,  where  monstrosities  are  impos 
sible  for  the  reason  that  we  leave  our  bones  on 
earth.  Since  gazing  at  the  What-is-it,  I  have  be 
come  a  convert  to  Darwin.  It  is  too  true.  Our 
ancestors  stood  on  their  hind  legs,  and  the  less  we 
talk  about  pedigree  the  better.  The  noble  demo 
crat  in  search  of  a  coat-of-arms  and  a  grandfather 
should  visit  a  grand  moral  circus.  Let  us  assume 
a  virtue,  though  we  have  it  not ;  let  our  pride  ape 
humility. 

Were  I  asked  which  I  thought  the  greater  ne 
cessity  of  civilization,  lectures  or  circuses,  I  should 
lay  my  right  hand  upon  my  left  heart,  and  exclaim, 
"  Circuses !  " 


A   LECTURE   ON   MASKS. 


"  Foolery,  Sir,  does  walk  about  the  orb,  like  the  sun  ;  it 
shines  everywhere." 

HOUGH  Mrs.  General  shake  her  proper 
head,  though  she  insist  upon  a  steady 
diet  of  "potatoes,  prunes,  and  prism,'' 
the  fact  cannot  be  denied  that  masked  balls  fill 
a  vacuum  .abhorred  by  human  nature,  —  referring, 
of  course,  to  human  nature  in  a  state  of  ex 
treme  culture.  The  aborigines  required  no  such 
expansion,  for  the  very  good  reason  that  they 
followed  the  bent  of  their  inclinations  on  all  oc 
casions.  They  were  never  held  in  check  by  a 
rigorous  public  opinion.  Mrs.  Grundy,  Monsieur 
On  Dit,  Chroniques  Scandaleuses,  came  into  power 
when  feathers  and  vermilion  went  out.  A  mas 
querade  would  have  been  a  pale  and  sickly  amuse 
ment  after  the  whoops  and  gymnastics  of  a  war- 
dance,  nor  would  the  modern  method  of  taking 
scalps  have  been  favorably  entertained  by  the 


A  LECTURE  ON  MASKS.  83 

unregenerate  child  of  the  forest.  The  native 
American's  life  was  what  the  Italians  call  one  per 
petual  sfogo  (burst),  but  we  poor  victims  of  con 
ventionality,  who  walk  Broadway  with  measured 
tread ;  who,  attired  in  the  latest  panier,  wear 
society's  smirk  and  utter  platitudes  in  a  subdued 
tone  of  voice ;  who  stand  up  in  crowds  and  allow 
fellow-sufferers  to  walk  up  the  back  breadth  of  the 
only  part  of  us  that  systematically  goes  on  a  train ; 
who  attempt  to  dance  within  the  circumference 
of  a  soup-plate,  or  who  remain  at  home  and,  in  the 
sublime  character  of  Christian  martyrs,  do  our 
allotted  work  until  brain  and  body  cry  aloud  for 
relaxation  ;  —  to  us  miserable  victims  of  a  glorious 
civilization,  I  claim  that  masked  balls  are  a  healthy 
tonic. 

The  impossibility  of  making  public  masquerades 
reputable  only  holds  good  where,  as  in  Paris,  no 
attempt  at  respectability  is  dreamed  of.  Pande 
monium  let  loose  would  be  a  quiet,  proper  tea- 
party  compared  with  these  maddest  of  orgies. 
Absence  of  character  is  the  surest  passport,  but 
the  absence  of  a  dress-coat  leaves  all  hope  behind. 
Morals  are  of  no  consequence,  but  a  paternal  gov 
ernment  insists  upon  an  irreproachable  toilet. 
"The  soul  of  this  man  is  in  his  clothes." 

Spirit  of  Thackeray,  do  not  your  shadowy  fingers 
long  to  tear  one  more  mockery  to  tatters  1 


84  A  LECTURER'S  NOTE-BOOK. 

Perhaps  you  are  shocked  at  what  may  be  called 
a  plea  for  Old  World  follies.  Softly.  There  be 
folly  and  there  be  vice  ;  mark  the  difference  and 
make  the  distinction.  Folly  may  lead  to  vice  as 
one  glass  of  wine  may  lead  to  delirium  tremens, 
but  neither  is  inevitable.  Riding  may  doom  one 
to  a  broken  neck,  and  swimming  to  a  watery  grave ; 
but  because  of  possible  evil,  shall  there  be  no  more 
cakes  and  ale  1  If  some  souls  find  vice  in  what  to 
others  is  nothing  worse  than  healthy  pleasure,  let 
them  prescribe  total  abstinence  for  —  themselves. 
The  good,  old-fashioned  clergyman  assures  his 
flock  that  the  play-house  is  the  centre  of  Satan's 
kingdom,  and  no  doubt  the  reverend  gentleman 
is  right,  so  far  as  he  is  individually  concerned ; 
but  does  it  follow  that  every  one  who  frequents 
theatres  is  on  the  road  to  perdition  ?  Does  not 
the  world  clamor  for  theatres  ?  As  they  cannot  be 
exterminated,  would  it  not  be  wiser  to  devote  one's 
eloquence  to  their  much-needed  reform  1 

If  you  are  honest,  you  will  confess,  sotto  voce,  that 
a  streak  of  outlawry  runs  through  humanity,  which, 
if  it  cannot  find  harmless  outlets,  will  seek  those 
known  by  another  name.  The  bow  cannot  always 
be  strung;  there  must  be  a  reverse  to  every  medal. 
If  there  be  sense,  must  there  not  be  nonsense  1  Is 
not  creation  made  up  of  contrasts  1  He  who  does 


A  LECTURE   ON  MASKS.  85 

not  unbend  suffers  mentally,  morally,  and  phys 
ically.  "  It  takes  a  wise  man  to  be  a  fool,"  says 
the  old  saw,  and  the  old  saw  is  a  concentration  of 
centuries  of  philosophy. 

According  a  certain  amount  of  folly  to  the  human 
constitution,  the  demand  for  food  becomes  a  fore 
gone  conclusion.  Americans  do  not  know  how  to 
enjoy  themselves.  Business  and  dissipation  are 
equally  well  understood,  but  recreations  that  need 
not  lead  to  unfortunate  results  are  not  compre 
hended.  Unnatural  excitement  in  business  begets 
unnatural  excitement  in  pleasure,  and  when  men 
seek  relaxation  —  I  refer  to  the  majority  —  they 
conceive  the  glory  of  getting  gloriously  drunk. 
Morals  and  family  laid  aside,  nothing  is  more 
aesthetically  offensive  than  this  national  pastime, 
and  by  our  own  showing,  we  (including  the  Eng 
lish)  are  the  most  vulgar,  the  most  dissipated,  and, 
at  the  same  time,  the  most  serious,  people  in  the 
civilized  world.  Our  folly  is  all  vice  ;  our  idea  of 
fun  is  as  doleful  as  the  Dance  of  Death.  Women, 
being  neither  gamblers  nor  drunkards,  indulge  in 
weaknesses;  having  no  distraction  but  servants, 
they  subside  into  invalids.  Thanks,  then,  to  Jew, 
Gentile,  or  German,  who  grafts  carnival  fruit  on 
our  tree  of  liberty. 

There  was  a  vast  deal  of  wisdom  in  the  old  Ro- 


86  A  LECTURER'S  NOTE-BOOK. 

man  institution  of  the  Saturnalia.  It  allowed  the 
existence  of  animal  spirits  and  acknowledged  their 
right  to  expression.  Fetters  might  be  worn  all  the 
year  round,  provided  liberty  became  license  he  first 
seven  days  in  January.  Slaves  had  privileges  which 
masters  were  bound  to  respect.  Patrician,  ple 
beian,  and  bondmen  met  upon  the  common  ground 
of  foolery,  and,  losing  all  thought  of  dignity  or  sor 
row,  remembered  only  to  be  merry.  Though  the 
manacles  of  that  era  have  melted  in  the  fire  of 
justice,  a  great  social  tyrant  still  rules  with  an 
iron  hand,  and  there  is  as  much  need  of  a  Satur 
nalia  now  as  then.  Appreciating  this  fact,  Italy 
clings  to  a  modified  form  of  the  ancient  custom, 
and  no  foreigners  do  more  to  keep  alive  the  absurd 
ities  of  its  Carnival  season  than  the  Americans. 
This  proves  that,  given  a  favorable  opportunity, 
we  are  quite  capable  of  making  fools  of  ourselves. 
Anything  more  utterly  senseless  than  the  Carnival 
Corso  at  Rome  is  inconceivable.  To  pelt  people 
with  flour  and  confetti;  to  hurl  flowers  at  the 
heads  of  passers-by ;  to  converse  with  any  mask 
offering  the  right  hand  of  fellowship  ;  to  drive  up 
and  down,  on  the  last  night  of  the  Carnival,  with 
a  lighted  taper  in  one  hand  and  a  wet  towel  in  the 
other,  striving  to  put  out  every  approaching  taper 
while  endeavoring  to  rescue  your  own  from  a  simi- 


A  LECTURE   ON  MASKS.  87 

lar  fate,  accompanying  the  effort  with  screams  of 
"  Senza  moccolo  "  ;  to  go  home  at  midnight  singing 
Rossini's  Buona  Sera,  —  are  freaks  purely  idiotic 
in  themselves,  yet  thoroughly  in  harmony  with 
a  phase  of  human  nature  that  rarely  receives  just 
treatment.  The  Italians  are  able  to  enjoy  this 
extreme  of  liberty  because  their  instincts  rarely 
permit  them  to  overstep  bounds  of  propriety. 
Drunkenness  and  vulgarity  of  language  and  man 
ner  are  specialties  of  such  nations  as  lay  claim  to 
superior  virtue. 

What  champagne  is  to  supper,  masked  balls  are 
to  carnivals.  They  are  the  keystone  to  the  arch 
of  folly,  and  the  person  who  has  never  worn  a 
mask  in  the  spirit  of  a  mask  has  failed  to  experi 
ence  one  of  the  most  novel  and  most  exhilarating 
of  sensations.  There  is  not  its  equivalent  in  the 
known  world.  To  woman  the  mask  is  the  first 
taste  of  paradise.  Behind  it  she  is  exempted  from 
all  rules  of  etiquette,  and  for  the  only  time  in  her 
life  has  an  advantage  over  men.  Old  and  young 
enjoy  equal  privileges,  all  may  go  and  come  with 
out  the  intervention  of  pantaloons,  and  for  once 
the  burden  of  "  waiting  to  be  asked  "  is  shifted  to 
manly  shoulders.  Woman  can  actually  roam  at 
discretion  among  a  wilderness  of  swallow-tails, 
without  recognition  and  without  reproach.  Put 


88  A  LECTURER'S  NOTE-BOOK. 

on  a  mask  and  she  may  be  herself;  take  it  off  and 
she  must  be  somebody  else.  How  much  more 
honest  is  the  mask  ! 

To  completely  lose  one's  self-consciousness  and 
to  pass  unknown  among  unmasked  friends  and 
foes  is  as  refreshing  as  to  be  dropped  into  a 
foreign  country  in  full  possession  of  a  clairvoyant 
knowledge  of  its  inhabitants.  It  is  the  nearest 
possible  approach  to  wearing  an  invisible  cap. 
Students  of  human  nature  may  gaze  into  eyes 
with  impunity,  and  read  a  deal  of  truth  that  would 
otherwise  remain  undisclosed.  A  clever  masker 
can  discover  more  real  character  in  a  few  minutes 
than  would  be  developed  in  years  of  casual  ac 
quaintance,  and  conversation  may  be  sentimental 
or  piquant  without  fear  of  a  construction  an  pied 
de  la  lettre.  What  an  intense  satisfaction  !  Who 
does  not  at  times  long  to  insist  that  the  moon  is 
made  of  green  cheese,  that  the  world  is  filled  with 
sawdust,  that 

"All  friendship  is  feigning, 
All  loving  mere  folly; 
Then  heigh,  ho !  the  holly ! 
This  life  is  most  jolly," 

and  on  these  themes  compose  variations  as  endless 
as  any  dreamed  of  by  Henri  Herz  1  Where  else 
but  at  a  masked  ball  can  these  variations  be  exe- 


A   LECTURE   ON  MASKS.  89 

cutedl  In  this  country  the  genius  of  masked 
balls  is  not  understood.  Men  and  women,  when 
addressed  by  maskers,  draw  themselves  up  to  the 
full  height  of  their  dignity,  and  look  unutterable 
don't-approach-me-ism.  This  is  taking  masked 
balls  in  vain.  We  Americans  entertain  the  idea 
that,  intrinsically  wrong,  they  must  be  solemnly 
attended  under  protest.  There  is  no  juste  milieu 
of  deportment.  One  sees  the  extremes  of  decorum 
and  "  loudness,"  but  seldom  that  half- way-bet  ween- 
ity  which  is  the  charm  of  Southern  nations.  We 
have  not  yet  learned  the  art  of  properly  misbe 
having  ourselves,  an  art  only  acquired  by  ladies 
and  gentlemen.  It  is  strange,  too,  how  the  ma 
jority  of  Americans  lose  their  natural  intelligence 
the  moment  they  enter  the  magic  circles  of  masks. 
There  is  a  monosyllabic  spell  upon  them,  arid 
"yes"  and  "no,"  followed  by  a  wretched  smile, 
constitute  their  stock  of  mother-wit.  Any  one 
has  brains  enough  to  go  to  a  "  German,"  but  every 
one  cannot  attend  masked  balls  with  impunity. 
Esprit  and  grace  of  manner  are  indispensable  to 
the  carrying  out  of  this  amusement.  Few  of  us 
are 

"  Wise  enough  to  play  the  fool  "  ; 
For,  "to  do  that  well,  craves  a  kind  of  wit"  ; 
You  "must  observe  their  mood  on  whom  "  you  "jest, 
The  quality  of  person  and  the  time  ; 


90  A  LECTURER'S  NOTE-BOOK. 

And,  like  the  haggard,  check  at  every  feather 
That  comes  before  your  eye.     This  is  a  practice 
As  full  of  labor  as  a  wise  man's  art." 

Who,  then,  can  afford  to  despise  the  machinery 
of  a  mask  1  Whoever  masters  its  intricacies,  who 
ever  wears  it  with  entertainment  to  himself  and 
others,  is  equal  to  any  emergency  in  life.  Do  you 
doubt  it  1  Go  to  the  next  masked  ball,  and  if 
some  impertinently  truthful  domino  does  not 
whisper  in  your  ear  that  you  are  an  unmitigated 
bore,  then  you  shall  receive  the  honors  due  only 
to  a  fool. 


PART    II. 

AMEEICAISTS    ABKOAD. 


AMEKICANS    ABKOAD. 


AT  SEA. 

ATLANTIC  OCEAN,  Latitude  50,  Longitude  12. 
WET  sheet  and  a  flowing  sea  may  be  in 
spiring,  but  I  fail  to  appreciate  either.  It 
sounds  well  to  sing  about  "a life  on  the 
ocean  wave  and  a  home  on  the  rolling  deep,"  but 
rather  than  lead  such  a  life  in  such  a  home,  I  'd 
be  governess  in  an  English  family,  which  is  the 
worst  fate  falling  to  the  lot  of  woman.  Viewed 
from  very  dry  land,  the  sea  is  charming.  It  adds 
immensely  to  a  landscape,  and,  in  connection 
with  it,  makes  beautiful  pictures.  In  fine  weather 
it  is  fascinating  for  rowing  and  yachting,  provided 
land  be  in  sight ;  but  the  ocean  as  ocean  is  an  un 
mitigated  nuisance,  and  no  poet  need  try  to  delude 
me  into  liking  it.  I  don't  say  this  because  I  am 
a  bad  sailor,  for  after  two  days  ad  nauseam  I  go 
about  on  excellent  sea-legs  and  take  my  four 


94  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

"  square  "  meals  with  the  appetite  of  a  veteran.  I 
say  it  because  the  sea  insults  more  than  my  stom-. 
ach.  It  insults  me  physically,  morally,  and  men 
tally,  Emerson  never  touched  the  truth  more 
nearly  than  when  he  wrote  :  "  I  find  the  sea-life 
an  acquired  taste,  like  that  for  tomatoes  and 

olives Nobody  likes  to  be  treated  ignomini- 

ously,  upset,  shoved  against  the  side  of  the  house, 
rolled  over,  suffocated  with  bilge,  mephitic  and 
stewing  oil."  If  anybody  does  like  it,  let  the 
finger  of  scorn  be  pointed  at  him  until  he  goes 
down  to  a  watery  grave.  The  sickly  smell  and 
bad  air  of  a  steamer  arc  in  themselves  enough  to 
disgust  genteel  noses  and  healthy  lungs;  a  gen 
eral  dampness  and  stickiness  offend  the  touch; 
the  sight  of  wretchedly  yellow  women  done  up 
after  the  manner  of  mummies,  and  of  men  in  flannel 
shirts  and  unkempt  beards,  looking  like  very  dirty 
and  very  bloodthirsty  pirates,  is  not  calculated  to 
enhance  one's  belief  in  the  dignity  of  humanity ; 
protesting  stomachs,  shivering  timbers,  groaning 
machinery,  whistling  wind,  breaking  china,  crying 
babies,  and  roaring  waves  are  not  music  to  the 
ear.  Four  senses  out  of  five  are  systematically 
outraged,  and,  in  nine  cases  out  of  ten,  the  fifth 
is  rendered  worse  than  useless  by  the  upward  ten 
dency  of  every  article  of  food. 


AT  SEA.  95 

There  is  no  such  thing  as  comfort  at  sea.  You  are 
first  put  into  a  cage  called  a  state-room,  the  sight  of 
which  demoralizes  mind  and  body.  There  is  no  place 
for  anything;  and  as,  if  there  were,  a  heavy  sea 
would  send  everything  off  in  a  tangent,  you  conclude 
to  abstain  from  those  attentions  to  the  toilet  which 
on  land  are  considered  indispensable.  You  lose 
every  atom  of  ambition  and  energy,  and  find  your 
self  doubting  the  utility  of  washing  your  face  and 
combing  your  hair.  How  can  you,  when  it  requires 
skilful  gymnastic  efforts  to  pour  out  water  and  ob 
tain  a  glimpse  of  your  wretched  self  in  a  looking- 
glass  1  Anybody  at  sea  who  tries  to  hold  the  mir 
ror  up  to  nature  will  have  enough  to  do.  I  wish 
him  joy  of  the  undertaking. 

You  go  to  bed  in  what  1  In  a  box,  out  of  which 
you  are  frequently  hurled,  thus  piling  a  Pelion  of 
injury  upon  an  Ossa  of  insult.  If  you  protest  against 
being  thrown  out  of  bed,  you  are  boarded  up  like 
pigs  in  a  pen,  or  chickens  in  a  coop  !  You  hate  to 
"  turn  in,"  and  still  more  do  you  hate  to  "  turn 
out."  You  lie  contemplating  your  shoes  and 
stockings  with  dismay.  You  wonder  whether  the 
stewardess  will  rescue  you  from  the  horrors  of  the 
situation  by  putting  them  on  for  you,  while,  with 
the  most  provokingly  placid  voice,  a  storm  that 
turns  everything  upside-down  and  everybody  in- 


96  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

side-out,  causing  you  to  lead  the  life  of  a  fly  without 
a  fly's  natural  advantage  in  standing  on  his  head, 
she  calls  nothing  but  a  stiff  breeze  ! 

Well,  you  finally  get  dressed  in  a  limp  and 
frowzy  manner.  You  sit  down  to  breakfast.  Your 
butter  lands  in  your  lap,  and  your  tea  goes  down 
your  throat  via  your  eyes  and  neck.  There  are 
ominous  gaps  at  the  table.  The  interesting  wo 
men  are  all  sick ;  men  with  unbounded  stomachs 
drive  you  to  the  verge  of  madness  by  ordering  all 
sorts  of  horrid,  indigestible  dishes,  which  they  de 
vour  in  gloomy  silence,  and  then  pace  the  deck 
with  caps  over  their  eyes,  cigars  in  their  mouths, 
and  hands  in  their  pockets,  as  if  by  so  doing  the 
chief  end  of  man  were  accomplished.  In  the 
early  morning  the  deck  is  wet  with  washing,  and 
later  it  is  as  likely  to  be  wet  with  fog  or  rain  as 
dry  with  sunshine.  If  it  be  dry,  nine  times  out  of 
ten  the  wind  blows  so  that  you  seek  shelter  in 
order  to  keep  your  hair  on  your  head,  —  the  hair 
that  is  yours  by  divine  right.  You  curl  yourself 
up  like  a  dormouse  and  think  you  '11  keep  a  jour 
nal.  Life  is  so  sensational  as  to  warrant  a  daily 
record,  but  the  wretched  steamer  makes  your  hand 
tremble  like  that  of  a  man  with  delirium  tremem. 
I  never  got  further  in  rny  journal  than  the  first 
day,  the  most  lively  bit  of  intelligence  being  that 


AT  SEA.  97 

at  noon  we  descried  a  school  of  porpoises  off  the 
port  side.  Fancy  the  mental  condition  of  two 
hundred  human  beings  who  frantically  rush  up 
the  companion-way  to  gaze  upon  a  few  stupid  sea- 
pigs  playing  in  the  water !  The  standard  joke  is 
to  assure  some  weak-minded  woman  that  they  are 
whales,  and  then  laugh  at  her  credulity. 

Writing  being  a  failure,  you  decide  to  read ;  and 
here  let  me  remark  that  Emerson  must  have  been 
undergoing  temporary  aberration  of  the  mind 
when  he  declared  that  "classics  which  at  home 
are  drowsily  read  have  a  strange  charm  in  a 
country  inn,  or  in  the  transom  of  a  merchant 
brig."  There  may  be  something  in  the  nature 
of  a  brig  to  inspire  an  enthusiasm  for  Homer 
and  Virgil,  but  the  only  classics  I  observe  on  a 
steamer  are  "Aurora  Floyd,"  "Guy  Livingstone,'' 
"  The  Dead  Secret,"  and  works  of  a  similarly  pro 
found  nature.  I  have  been  ten  days  worrying 
through  a  book  that  on  land  would  have  been  fin 
ished  in  one,  and  am  regarded  by  the  more  friv 
olously  inclined  passengers  as  half  strong-minded 
and  half  mad  for  having  attempted  it  at  all. 
Now,  if  it  takes  but  ten  days  to  so  dementalize 
humanity,  what  would  be  the  consequences  if 
all  the  world  went  to  sea  for  a  year]  Drivel 
ling  idiotcy,  I  am  quite  sure.  Of  course,  ex- 
5  G 


98  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

ceptionable  people  can  even  rise  superior  to  salt 
water.  There  is  Anthony  Trollope  who  writes 
novels  at  sea,  and  Emerson  who  reads  classics,  and 
the  consumptive  gentleman  who  never  was  so  well 
and  never  wants  to  see  land,  and  the  officers  who 
feel  themselves  monarchs  of  all  they  survey,  and 
the  wonderful  woman  who  never  appears  until 
noon,  and  makes  every  other  woman  wretched  by 
being  dressed  in  the  height  of  fashion.  She  paints 
and  powders,  and  wears  her  veil  down  at  meals ; 
but  is  handsome,  if  you  do  not  object  to  artifice, 
and  is  a  great  favorite  with  the  gentlemen.  At 
least,  she  always  manages  to  be  surrounded  by 
them,  so  I  suppose  they  are  enthusiastic  students 
of  art  in  its  highest  form.  0  yes,  and  there  are 
the  energetic  few  who  edit  newspapers.  I  have 
heard  of  two  newspapers  being  issued  on  one 
steamer,  and  so  hating  and  vilifying  one  another  as 
to  be  suspended  lest  murder  should  ensue  ;  so  you 
see  what  effect  the  ocean  has  upon  the  temper. 
The  reason  of  English  "spleen"  is  because  Bri 
tannia  is  entirely  surrounded  by  salt-water.  If 
this  island  were  towed  to  America,  and  annexed 
to  Cape  Cod,  there  would  be  an  immediate  trans 
formation.  The  next  worst  fate  to  living  on  a  ship 
is  living  on  a  sma,ll  island.  I  once  passed  three 
weeks  on  an  island  three  miles  long  and  half  a 


AT  SEA.  99 

mile  wide,  and  nearly  died  of  it.  Human  beings 
do  not  improve  by  such  close  acquaintance.  Are 
you  not  told  that  if  you  wish  to  find  out  people 
you  must  go  to  sea  with  them  1  Of  course  you 
must.  I  never  knew  any  one  made  better  by  con 
tact  with  an  unnatural  element ;  yet  you  are  also 
told  of  the  charming  society  to  be  met  on  board 
ships  !  It  may  be  ;  nothing  is  impossible ;  people 
do  meet  their  affinities  at  sea,  but  I  never  did ;  or, 
if  I  did,  they  were  so  diluted  in  water  as  for  me 
not  to  know  them  for  ray  own.  No,  the  sea  is  a 
necessary  evil ;  I  suppose  it  is  necessary  because 
it  was  created.  (Salt,  I  know,  is  vital ;  but  why  we 
can't  have  salt  without  water  is  a  mystery.)  Mos 
quitoes,  fleas,  and  rattlesnakes  are  also  mysteries. 
The  world  would  be  a  great  deal  better  and  vastly 
more  comfortable  without  them  ;  but  my  opinion 
is  of  no  consequence  to  the  universe,  or  I  should 
have  been  consulted  some  time  ago.  I  believe  the 
Atlantic  Ocean  was  placed  between  Europe  and 
America,  made  stormy  and  generally  detestable,  in 
order  to  keep  the  Old  World  from  the  New  as 
long  as  possible,  and,  once  crossed,  to  keep  the 
New  World  from  the  Old.  If  it  succeeded  in 
separating  us  from  European  vices  and  follies  it 
would  indeed  be  a  blessing,  but  it  does  nothing  of 
the  kind.  They  are  borne  011  every  wind  that 


100  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

wafts  a  vessel  to  our  shores ;  and  cholera,  small 
pox,  yellow  fever,  and  the  plague  are  nourish 
ed  on  the  oceanic  bosom  to  spread  devastation 
throughout  our  virgin  land.  Perhaps  the  ocean  is 
intended  as  discipline.  Like  other  medicine,  it  is 
to  be  shaken  before  taken,  and,  if  it  does  not  agree 
with  us,  so  much  the  better  for  our  souls.  If  the 
old  saints,  who,  with  heavenly  promotion  in  view, 
enjoyed  sitting  on  pins  and  needles,  walking  with 
peas  in  their  shoes,  etc.,  had  only  known  as  much 
as  we  do,  going  to  sea  would  have  been  the 
favorite  martyrdom.  It  would  have  been  just  the 
element  for  Saint  Catherine  of  Sienna,  as  she 
never  washed  herself.  Can  you  imagine  anything 
more  horrible  than,  like  a  sweet  little  cherub,  to 
sit  up  aloft  and  contemplate  a  storm  at  sea  1  Saint 
Simeon  never  dreamed  of  this,  or  his  pillar  would 
have  been  deserted.  The  fact  is,  that  at  sea  you  feel 
like  a  "dem,  damp,  moist,  unpleasant  body,"  and  I 
feel  how  completely  I  illustrate  Mantalini's  graphic 
description. 


A   MARTYR   TO   FREE   SPEECH. 


LONDON,  December  10,  1871. 
HE  first  necessity  of  a  great  cause  is  the 
possession  of  a  martyr.  Though  we  are 
assured  by  the  copy-books  of  our  youth 
that  truth  is  mighty  and  must  prevail,  there  is  no 
commodity  requiring  such  liberal  advertising  to 
bring  it  into  general  circulation.  Money  will 
buy  vice,  but,  since  the  world  began,  the  price 
paid  for  truth  has  been  blood.  When  John 
Brown  went  forth  to  the  scaffold  bravely  ex 
claiming,  "I  am  persuaded  that  I  am  worth 
inconceivably  more  to  hang  than  for  any  other 
purpose,"  he  foretold  the  knell  of  slavery.  When 
the  government  of  M.  Thiers  condemned  Rossel  to 
be  shot,  it  gave  to  Communism  a  hero  whose  fame 
bids  fair  to  extinguish  that  of  the  President  him 
self. 

Republicanism  in  England  is  young.     Born  ob 
scurely,  not  knowing  who  were  its  parents,  the  poor 


102.  jtMppfCAXS  ABROAD. 

4Uiflg  IKIS."  languished  /on  want  of  proper  care. 
Adopted'1  recently,  by,  Sir.  JCharles  Dilke,  it  has 
gained  in  strength  and  stature,  only  needing  a 
baptism  in  blood  to  attain  a  riper  development. 
That  baptism  has  come.  It  is  not  the  martyrdom 
of  a  John  Brown  or  of  a  Rossel  that  I  now  record  ; 
but  William  Schofield,  age  fifty-six,  is  no  less  a 
martyr  to  free  speech  because  of  his  being  a  la 
borer.  On  December  7,  William  Schofield,  of  Bol- 
ton,  died  from  injuries  received  in  the  Temperance 
Hall,  while  peaceably  listening  to  Dilke's  very  sen 
sible  and  by  no  means  revolutionary  address  on 
the  distribution  of  political  power.  Elsewhere, 
Dilke's  arguments  in  favor  of  a  republic,  of  a 
truer  Parliamentary  representation,  of  reforming, 
or,  better,  abolishing  the  House  of  Lords,  have 
been  answered  by  howls,  by  cheers  for  a  Queen 
whom  the  young  M.  P.  has  never  attacked,  by 
spasmodic  singing,  and  showers  of  red  pepper. 

Burning  to  resent  the  right  of  independent 
criticism,  scorning  weak  retorts,  inflamed  by  lying 
placards,  primed  with  drink  and  armed  with  stones, 
bricks,  bludgeons,  hammers,  and  other  weapons, 
the  rough-and-ready  royalists  of  Bolton  proved 
that  Britons  were  not  meant  for  slaves  by  a  con 
tinual  attack  upon  the  windows  and  doors  of  the 
hall  in  which  the  Dilke  meeting  was  assembled, 


A  MARTYR    TO  FREE  SPEECH.  103 

until  one  side  of  the  building  became  a  complete 
wreck.  Had  this  high  carnival  been  held  in 
America,  where,  according  to  the  "London  Tele 
graph,"  "rowdyism  is  a  religion,"  Europe  would 
have  been  told  to  gaze,  upon  the  license  of  democ 
racy  ;  had  the  assailants  been  partisans  of  Dilke, 
England  would  have  been  shown  the  fearful  con 
sequences  of  republican  doctrines ;  but  the  rioters 
were  loyal  subjects  of  the  crown,  which  makes  a 
difference.  Certain  rules  do  not  work  both  ways ; 
therefore  the  police  did  not  interfere.  Temperance 
Hall  was  sacked,  William  Schofield  was  killed,  a 
wife  became  a  widow,  and  three  children  were 
made  fatherless.  Well  done,  ye  good  and  faithful 
servants !  Enter  ye  into  the  United  (?)  Kingdom 
of  Great  Britain. 

If  Dilke  had  not  had  the  courage  publicly  to 
avow  what  many  other  Englishmen  acknowledge 
privately,  that  the  best  form  of  government  is  re 
publican,  William  Schofield  would  now  be  alive. 
Having  made  this  declaration,  supposing  England's 
vaunted  right  of  free  speech  to  be  far  less  mythi 
cal  than  it  turns  out,  his  opponents  are  determined 
that  he  shall  not  be  heard  on  any  subject,  no  mat 
ter  how  vital  it  may  be  to  the  people's  interests. 
This  tyranny  reminds  me  of  the  good  old  days  be 
fore  the  war,  when  Abolitionists  were  pelted  with 


104  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

rotten  eggs,  Garrison  was  threatened  with  death, 
and  the  press  was  muzzled  lest  it  should  attack 
the  "peculiar  institution."  But  republicans  tell 
England  now  what  Abolitionists  told  America 
then,  that  free  speech  is  as  inalienable  a  right  as 
free  thought,  and  no  amount  of  bullying,  bricks, 
or  bludgeons  can  stifle  honest  conviction.  Men 
who  are  brave  enough  to  avow  their  principles  are 
brave  enough  to  endure  slander,  bricks,  and  worse, 
for  the  sake  of  them.  Persecution  will  only  make 
them  greater  heroes  and  increase  the  number  of 
their  adherents.  William  Schofield  has  lost  his 
life  for  daring  to  sympathize,  though  never  so  re 
motely,  with  the  opinions  of  Sir  Charles  Dilke. 
His  is  the  first  blood  shed  in  behalf  of  the  people. 
The  Anti-Republican  Association,  composed  of 
"noblemen  and  gentlemen,"  banded  together  for 
the  purpose  of  putting  down  "democrats,  infidels, 
and  atheistical  spirits,"  " morally  and  physically" 

—  "  physically  "  being  italicized  in  their  circular, 

—  will  do  well  to  remember  that  English  repub 
licanism  has  now  its  martyr. 


THE    DIVINE   RIGHT   OF   KINGS,   AND 
KINGSLEY. 


LONDON,  January  3,  1872. 

ODGERS,  which  is  the  nearest  way  to 
the  Chapel  Royal  1 "  Bodgers  is  the  but 
ler,  and  a  very  good  butler  he  is  too ; 
knowing  his  business  thoroughly,  and  not  being 
above  it.  "  You  surely  are  not  thinking  of  going 
there  to-day,  miss."  "Yes,  I  am."  "But  you 
can't,  miss.  It 's  the  chapel  for  the  royal  family, 
you  see,  miss,  and  for  peers  and  peeresses ;  and, 
unless  you  have  a  horder  from  the  Lord  Chamber 
lain,  you  won't  be  admitted.  I  could  have  got 
you  a  horder  if  you  'd  only  let  me  know  in  time." 
"I'm  sorry  for  that.  Charles  Kingsley  preaches 
to-day,  and,  as  I  have  read  his  novels,  I  am 
anxious  to  hear  him."  "  Well,  if  you  want  to  go 
very  bad,  miss,"  replies  Bodgers,  who  is  nothing 
if  not  sympathetic,  "  I  think  I  can  get  you  in.  I 
know  the  verger  very  well.  Him  and  me  used  to 


106  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

be  together  at  the  Harchbishop  of 's.     First 

he  was  lady's  footman,  then  butler,  and  then  he 
got  to  be  steward ;  and  when  the  other  verger 
died,  the  Harchbishop  put  him  in,  and  a  snug 
place  it  is,  miss.  Three  hundred  [pounds]  a  year 
for  life,  a  house  adjoining,  and  all  he  has  to  do  is 
to  hopen  the  pews  and  carry  papers  to  the  Lord 
Chamberlain."  I  assure  Bodgers  that  I  wish  to  go 
"  very  bad."  Of  course  I  do  when  obstacles  pre 
vent.  "  Then  I  think,  miss,  if  I  give  you  a  card, 
you  won't  have  any  trouble." 

So  Bodgers  takes  one  of  my  cards,  writes  a  few 
lines,  signs  his  name,  and  I  go  on  my  way  re 
joicing,  if  one  can  rejoice  when  there  is  fog 
above,  mud  beneath,  and  a  settled  and  conse 
quently  highly  respectable  gloom  everywhere.  I 
rejoice  because  I  am  going  to  the  Chapel  Royal  in 
a  thoroughly  democratic  manner.  I  am  indorsed 
by  Bodgers.  If  I  lived  one  thousand  years  in  a  re 
public,  I  could  not  obtain  such  a  recommendation. 
It  delights  me  to  know  that  there  are  ways  of 
getting  the  better  of  red  tape.  Down  Piccadilly 
I  go  to  St.  James  Street,  down  St.  James  Street  to 
St.  James  Palace,  where  Charles  II.  and  George 
IV.  were  born,  and  where  Charles  I.  took  leave  of 
his  children  the  day  before  his  execution.  It  is 
well  to  remember,  in  these  days,  that  England  did 


DIVINE  RIGHT   OF  KINGS,  AND  KINGSLEY.    107 

behead  a  king.  Through  an  archway  I  pass  into 
a  court-yard,  where  I  see  a  knot  of  men  and  women 
around  a  very  commonplace  door,  which  a  guard 
tells  me  is  the  door  I  seek.  I  knock ;  a  benevo 
lent-looking  old  man  in  a  long  black  gown  appears, 
reads  the  card,  desires  me  to  step  in  at  the  same 
time  that  he  desires  everybody  else  clamoring  for 
an  entrance  to  stay  out.  "  You  have  n't  tickets," 
persists  the  black  gown.  Neither  have  I,  but  am 
I  not  introduced  by  a  Bodgers  and  a  brother1? 
And  to  such  a  verger  !  That  such  a  tall,  imposing 
person  should  ever  have  been  a  footman  !  I  know 
he  must  have  been  a  gorgeous  footman  ;  I  know 
by  instinct  that  he  owes  his  promotion  to  his 
calves.  I  know  they  are  real.  I  know  that,  were 
it  not  for  the  long  black  gown,  I  should  melt  into 
an  ecstasy  worthy  of  Fanny  Squeers,  and  exclaim, 
"  I  never  saw  such  legs  in  the  whole  course  of  my 
life  ! " 

The  verger  reads,  pockets  the  card,  looks  at  me, 
and  says,  "  This  is  one  of  the  most  partickerlerest 
days  in  the  whole  year ;  but  if  you  '11  sit  down  and 
wait  till  all  the  tickets  is  in,  I  '11  give  you  a  seat,  if 
there  is  any."  I  sit  down  among  choir-boys,  who, 
in  black  stockings,  red  and  gilt  coats,  red  knee- 
breeches,  and  white  gowns,  are  preparing  them 
selves  for  the  services  by  making  dolls  and  rabbits 


108  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

of  their  by  no  means  immaculate  pocket-handker 
chiefs,  and  by  chaffing  the  noble  lords  and  ladies  as 
they  enter  the  chapel.  One  peeress  has  an  absurd 
waddle,  and  the  choir-boys  burst  into  an  immoder 
ate  fit  of  laughter,  but  they  all  stand  up  and  bow 
as  somebody  passes  who  does  not  take  the  least 
notice  of  them.  "  Who  was  that  chap  1 "  asks  one 
boy  of  the  other  ;  and  when  I  hear  the  name  I  ask 
myself  whether  the  rising  generation  possesses 
that  reverence  for  rank  about  which  the  papers 
tell  us  so  much.  "  That  young  cad 's  a  peer," 
whispers  one  of  the  youths  to  his  neighbor.  "  I 
say,  ain't  he  a  peer?"  The  question  is  addressed 
to  the  verger,  who  rubs  his  hands  with  intense 
satisfaction.  The  majority  of  the  women  are 
homely  and  badly  dressed ;  the  men  are  in  no  way 
conspicuous;  and  when  Gladstone,  a  man  of  the 
people,  appears,  he  brings  with  him  a  little  of  the 
bracing  air  of  intellect. 

The  clock  strikes  twelve ;  clergy  and  choir  take 
their  seats ;  the  organ  peals  forth,  and  I  am  ush 
ered  into  a  vacant  pew,  adjoining  that  of  the 
Prime  Minister.  It  is  so  like  the  opera  that  I 
gaze  at  the  audience  to  see  whether  they  have  n't 
brought  their  opera-glasses ;  for,  look  you,  although 
I  can  "  see  a  church  by  daylight,"  it  is  very  diffi 
cult  to  consider  this  a  chapel.  Imagine  a  long, 


DIVINE  RIGHT   OF  KINGS,  AND  KINGSLEY.    109 

narrow  hall,  with  the  entrance  at  one  end,  and 
the  chancel,  with  stained-glass  window  above  it, 
at  the  other ;  an  aisle  down  the  middle,  just  wide 
enough  for  two  persons  to  walk  abreast ;  and  two 
rows  of  pews  on  each  side,  raised  one  above  the 
other,  looking  for  all  the  world  like  the  open  boxes 
at  the  New  York  Academy  of  Music.  Up  stairs, 
opposite  the  chancel,  is  the  royal  box,  —  I  mean 
pew  ;  and  on  the  sides  are  several  other  stage- 
boxes,  —  I  mean  pews.  The  chancel,  being  adorned 
with  a  table  on  which  are  two  great  candlesticks, 
several  gold  dishes  on  end,  with  two  great  tank 
ards  above,  resembles  the  sideboard  of  an  old  Ger 
man  baron.  To  the  left  of  the  chancel  is  the  pul 
pit  :  and  when  an  officiating  clergyman  intones 
the  service  in  a  mellow  barytone,  and  the  choir-boys 
chant  "  Amen  " ;  when  another  officiating  clergy 
man  continues  the  service  in  a  mild  tenor,  and  the 
audience  sings  "  Amen  "  ;  when  the  barytone  exe 
cutes  a  florid  morceau,  —  not  in  the  organ-loft,  re 
member,  but  on  the  floor  and  arrayed  in  clerical 
robes,  — and  the  clergyman,  standing  in  the  chan 
cel,  beats  time  with  his  fingers,  and  noble  ladies 
nod  their  heads  in  unison ;  when  the  barytone  con 
cludes,  and  the  gentlemen  tenors  opposite  smile 
upon  the  soloist  approvingly,  as  much  as  to  say, 
"  You  did  that  well,  old  fellow/'  —  I  seem  to  be 


110  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

at  a  show.  This  feeling  is  increased  when,  on  the 
delivery  of  the  prayer  for  the  recovery  of  Albert 
Edward,  everybody  turns  the  leaf  of  the  folio  upon 
which  the  prayer  has  been  printed,  and  the  rustle 
reminds  me  of  books  at  the  opera. 

But  now  Charles  Kingsley,  the  man  who  has 
written  such  charming  books,  ascends  the  pulpit ; 
and  I  listen,  expecting  to  hear  manly  words  frofn 
one  who  has  done  so  much  for  muscular  Christian 
ity.  I  see  a  sharp-featured,  iron-gray-headed  man, 
with  hard  lines  about  the  mouth  ;  I  hear  one  of 
the  harshest  of  voices  and  worst  of  speakers ;  but, 
as  we  are  neither  responsible  for  features  nor 
voices,  I  wait  to  be  moved  by  the  matter  of  his 
discourse.  "  And  he  bowed  the  heart  of  the  men 
of  Judah  as  the  heart  of  one  man."  That  is  the 
text  for  just  such  remarks,  apropos  of  the  Prince 
of  Wales,  as  would  make  a  leader  in  any  of  the 
daily  papers.  If  the  reverend  canon  says  "  as  one 
man  "  once,  he  repeats  it  six  or  eight  times.  The 
heart  of  the  nation  is  bowed  as  one  man.  Loyalty 
is  contagious.  Does  the  canon  mean  that  it  is  a 
disease?  Business  men  have  given  way  to  it. 
"  No  shame  to  them  if  they  live  by  business," 
declares  Kingsley,  which  is  very  good  of  him. 
"  They  may  not  speak  eloquently,"  —  how  can 
they,  being  business  men  1  We  in  America  know 


DIVINE  RIGHT   OF  KINGS,  AND  K1NGSLEY.   Ill 

how  incompatible  are  business  and  eloquence. 
But  the  canon  is  quite  sure  of  the  earnestness  of 
business  men;  and  he  makes  an  apt  quotation 
from  Shakespeare,  quite  fashionable  of  late,  about 
one  touch  of  nature  making  the  whole  world  kin, 
—  the  touch  of  nature  being,  of  course,  the 
Prince  of  Wales.  And  the  cause  of  all  this 
emotion  is  loyalty,  pure  and  simple,  —  one  of 
those  old  hereditary  instincts  by  which  the  his 
tories  of  whole  nations,  whole  races,  are  guided  ; 
an  attachment  to  some  royal  race  whom  the  peo 
ple  conceive  to  be  set  over  them  by  God ;  an 
attachment  transmitted  by  their  forefathers,  and 
which  they  must  transmit  to  their  children  as  a 
national  inheritance.  Their  sovereign  is  to  them 
the  divinely  appointed  symbol  of  the  unity  of 
their  country.  "Royalty  is  indeed  God's  ordi 
nance,  and  a  king  they  must  have,  not  merely  for 
the  sake  of  the  nation's  security  and  peace,  but  for 
the  sake  of  their  own  self-respect.  A  free  man  never 
felt  himself  so  free  as  when  obeying  those  whom 
the  laws  of  his  country  had  set  over  him  "  ;  from 
which  statement  we  see  what  idiots  our  Puritan 
fathers  were  to  leave  England,  and  how  base  have 
been  the  careers  of  Garrison,  John  Brown,  and 
others  of  their  ilk.  "  An  able  man  never  felt  him 
self  so  able  as  when  he  was  following  the  lead  of 


112  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

an  abler  man  than  himself,"  declares  the  canon  ; 
and  so  say  all  of  us,  only  I  don't  happen  to  see 
the  connection  between  kings  and  ability. 

Then,  added  to  loyalty  there  is  chivalry,  —  the 
chivalry  that  regards  "the  widowed  Queen  and 
infant  Prince  as  a  precious  jewel, — an  heirloom 
for  which  the  people  are  responsible  to  God.  It 
helped  to  make  our  forefathers,  and "  (here  the 
canon  shakes  his  finger  at  the  congregation,  and 
speaks  as  with  Divine  authority)  "I  beg  you  to 

remember  it  helps  to  make  us If  any  cynic 

sneer "  (we  had  been  told,  a  few  minutes  before, 
that  there  were  no  cynics  in  England)  "at  this 
sudden  burst  of  loyalty,  and  speak  of  it  as  un 
reasoning  and  childish,  answer  him  not Give 

not  that  which  is  holy  to  the  dogs,  and  cast  not 
your  pearls  before  swine."  The  dogs  and  swine, 
in  this  instance,  are  John  Stuart  Mill,  Sir  Charles 
Dilke,  P.  A.  Taylor,  all  Englishmen  who  doubt 
the  divinity  that  doth  hedge  a  king,  and  all 
Americans  who  have  riot  sent  flunky  telegrams 
to  England,  with  the  assurance  that  a  great  Re 
public  exhibits,  "  as  one  man,"  the  most  intense 
anxiety  with  regard  to  the  Prince  of  Wales. 
"  More  than  one  foreign  nation,"  continues  Kings- 
ley,  "  is  now  looking  on,  with  ivonder  and  envy,  at 
the  sight  which  England,  for  the  last  two  weeks, 


DIVINE  RIGHT  OF  KINGS,  AND  KINGSLEY.   113 

has  presented."  America,  having  sent  telegrams, 
must  be  one  of  them.  "  God  grant  that  they  may 
understand  how  wide  and  how  deep  an  application 
is  the  great  law,  '  Except  ye  be  converted,  changed, 
and  become  as  little  children,  ye  shall  in  no  wise 
enter  into  the  kingdom  of  heaven '  " ;  which  means, 
if  it  means  anything,  that  if  Americans  do  not 
embrace  monarchy  they  will  go  to  hell.  It  must 
mean  this,  for  a  moment  later  the  divinely  ap 
pointed  canon  refers  to  these  foreign  nations — • 
one  of  them  being  France,  of  course  —  as  "  pulling 
to  pieces  at  their  own  irreverent  fancy  the  most 
ancient  institutions,  to  build  up  fresh  baby-houses 
out  of  the  fragments,  as  a  child  does  with  its 
broken  toys."  Canon  Kingsley  is  quite  sure  that, 
in  visiting  the  Prince  of  Wales  with  typhoid  fever, 
"  God  meant  to  bow  our  hearts  as  the  heart  of 
one  man,  and  he  has,  I  trust,  I  hope,  I  pray,  done 
that  which  he  meant  to  do."  It  is  very  kind  of 
the  canon  to  hope  that  God  has  carried  out  his 
plans.  "God  grant  that  it" — the  typhoid  fever 
—  "  may  fill  us  with  some  of  that  charity  which 
....  makes  us  thrust  aside  henceforth,  in  digni 
fied  disgust,  those  who  sit  in  the  seat  of  the 
scornful,  the  cynic  and  the  slanderer,  the  ribald 
and  the  rebel."  The  charity  which  pervades  the 
canon  at  this  particular  moment,  is  peculiar.  If 

ii 


114  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

you  did  not  know  that  he  could  not  be  in  a 
passion,  you  would  declare  him  to  be  about  as 
angry  as  is  possible  for  a  gentleman.  Then  I  am 
struck  by  this  second  reference  to  the  cynic,  the 
rebel,  etc.  If  England  is  bowed  "  as  one  man," 
how  can  there  be  rebels  and  cynics  1  I  actually 
begin  to  doubt  whether  Kingsley  believes  his  own 
protestations.  And  so  it  goes  on,  as  wretched  a 
piece  of  literary  work  as  I  ever  listened  to ; 
illogical  as  I  show ;  unmanly,  unworthy  of  an 
Englishman,  basely  snobbish.  I  watch  Glad 
stone's  face,  —  he  looks  like  Webster  shaved  down 
and  diluted,  —  but  the  fixed,  anxious  expression 
tells  no  tales.  I  look  at  the  rest  of  the  congrega 
tion,  and  see  no  change  from  the  stolidity  which 
marked  their  faces  upon  entering  the  chapel.  I 
believe  with  Kingsley  that  "  they  have  gone  back 
—  for  a  moment  at  least  —  to  England's  child 
hood,  to  the  mood  of  England  when  she  was  still 
young."  I  do  not  believe  it  is  second  childhood, 
for  again  I  believe  with  Kingsley  that  the  "old 
British  oak  is  sound  at  the  root,"  and  that  the 
people  will  repudiate  the  blasphemy  of  Divine 
right  which  has  been  preached  and  written  since  a 
good-natured  but  by  no  means  clever  or  exemplary 
young  man  has  fallen  a  victim  to  a  fever  from 
which  he  is  likely  to  recover,  and  which  has 
stricken  down  many  nobler  and  better. 


OPENING   OF   PARLIAMENT. 

LONDON,  February  6,  1872. 
HEN  the  historical  young  gentleman  was 
bullied  into  learning  the  alphabet,  he  ex- 

pressed  very  great  doubt  as  to  whether 

it  was  worth  while  going  through  so  much  to 
arrive  at  so  little.  For  "alphabet"  read  "open 
ing  of  the  British  Parliament,"  and  you  will  know 
the  state  of  my  feelings.  Like  Emerson's  Brahma, 
"  I  am  the  doubter  and  the  doubt."  But  the  in 
quiring  American  mind  must  wreak  itself  upon 
novelty  ;  and  though  novelty  be  as  unpalatable  as 
a  dose  of  medicine,  the  undegenerate  republican 
whose  "  bright  home  is  in  the  settin'  sun  "  will  not 
shrink  from  the  responsibilities  of  his  birth.  There 
fore  I  said  to  myself,  "  I  will  assist  at  the  opening 
of  Parliament."  Do  you  think  it  as  easily  done  as 
said] 

Americans  who  visit  Washington,  taking  posses 
sion  of  the  Capitol  as  though  they  owned  it,  and 
expressing  great  disgust  if  the  galleries  are  not 


11G  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

large  enough  to  seat  every  free  and  independent 
voter,  —  Americans,  I  repeat,  little  appreciate  the 
amount  of  strategy  or  diplomacy  or  grand  and 
lofty  influences  required  to  obtain  passports  to  the 
Houses  of  Parliament.  If,  unfortunately,  you  hap 
pen  to  be  an  ordinary  Englishman,  with  no  ances 
tors  worth  speaking  of,  your  case  is  hopeless,  unless 
you  know  an  M.  P.  who  wants  your  vote,  and  is 
therefore  desirous  of  being  civil.  And  even  then 
the  M.  P.  is  required  to  give  at  least  a  week's 
notice  if  the  admission  be  for  the  Ladies'  Gallery 
in  the  House  of  Commons ;  so  that  the  free-born 
Briton  is  really  a  beggar  in  the  house  which 
depends  upon  him  for  existence.  If  you  are  an 
American,  your  chances  are  better  than  that  of 
the  best  of  Britons.  Lords  and  Commons  are 
readier  to  oblige,  and  the  American  Legation 
exerts  itself  with  effect  upon  the  mighty  poten 
tate  by  whose  sovereign  pleasure  a  select  few  are 
permitted  to  be  tolerated  within  the  holy  of  holies. 
Yet  when  only  three  tickets  are  doled  out  to  our 
Legation,  it  requires  the  art  of  a  veteran  to  cap 
ture  one  of  them. 

The  Queen  does  not  open  Parliament,  therefore 
everybody  is  allowed  to  go  in  morning  dress.  As 
I  drive  up  to  the  peers'  entrance  in  a  cab,  I  do 
not  expect  to  be  regarded  with  any  other  feeling 


OPENING   OF  PARLIAMENT.  117 

than  that  of  contempt ;  but  as  one  spectator  says 
to  another  in  a  stage  whisper,  "  I  should  n't 
wonder  if  she  was  a  peeress,"  I  feel  that  repub 
licans  may  attain  their  true  stature,  even  upon 
emerging  from  that  most  ignoble  of  vehicles,  a 
London  "four-wheeler."  Then  a  porter,  in  un 
limited  scarlet  and  gold-lace,  tears  off  a  portion  of 
my  ticket  and  asks  me  to  turn  to  my  right.  An 
other  gilded  gentleman  opens  a  door  and  bids  me 
pursue  my  winding  way.  Treading  soft  carpets, 
through  a  long  passageway,  I  mount  steps.  An 
other  imposing  scarlet  and  gold-laced  gentleman 
directs  me  to  the  left.  More  passageways,  more 
gold-lace,  more  stairs,  until  I  begin  to  feel  like  a 
corkscrew,  and  wonder  whether  I  shall  ever  be 
able  to  straighten  myself.  At  the  top  of  the 
steepest  stairs  I  am  requested  to  halt,  and  an  old 
man  takes  the  remains  of  my  ticket.  As  he  does 
so,  an  official  says  to  him,  "  I  say,  where 's  the 
sherry^"  I  think,  "Well,  if  am  a  corkscrew,  I 
might  volunteer  my  services  in  opening  a  fresh 
bottle " ;  but  on  second  thoughts  I  recall  Sir 
Wilfred  Lawson  and  his  Permissive  bill,,  and  de 
termine  to  turn  evidence.  If  the  honorable  baro 
net  takes  the  "  Tribune,"  and  reads  it  as  carefully 
as  every  M.  P.  should,  he  will  learn  that  even  the 
House  of  Lords  has,  in  common  with  other  houses 


118  .-LV^/CU-VS  ABROAD. 

of  entertainment  for  man  and  beast,  its  "  bottle 
and  jug  department." 

At  last  I  reach  the  goal  of  my  desires.  I  am 
seated  in  the  Strangers'  or  North  Gallery.  Oppo 
site;  far  Mow  on  the  floor,  is  the  throne.  Adjoin 
ing  the  Strangers'  Gallery,  but  on  a  lower  tier, 
is  the  Reporters*  Gallery.  East  and  west  runs 
a  narrow  gallery  with  one  row  of  seats,  gener 
ally  reserved  for  peeresses,  but  on  this  occasion 
devoted  to  the  diplomatic  corps,  who  are  con 
spicuous  by  their  absence,  the  United  States  and 
India  excepted.  In  parallel  rows,  east  and  west, 
are  the  red  morocco  benches  of  the  Lords,  partially 
filled  on  the  conservative  side  by  sombrely  dressed 
women  who  are  supposed  to  be  peeresses,  but 
who  for  the  most  part  are  friends  admitted  to  the 
floor  by  courtesy.  No  woman,  peeress  or  other 
wise,  will  care  to  be  present  at  more  than  one 
opening  of  Tarliament,  unless  the  Queen  and  gor 
geous  array  are  the  order  of  the  day.  The  best- 
dressed  and  most  stylish  looking  woman  on  the 
floor  is  an  American.  The  only  portion  of  the 
hall  that  is  filled  is  the  Strangers'  Gallery.  Every 
one  around  me  is  English,  and  the  silence  and 
decorum  are  oppressive.  My  eyes  go  in  search  of 
the  two  other  Americans  to  whom  tickets  have 
been  given.  There  they  are.  I  know  them  at  a 


OPENING    OF  PARLIAMENT.  11$ 

glance.  A  man  and  a  woman,  actually  laughing 
and  talking,  actually  interested  in  everything,  so 
bent  upon  knowing  who  's  who  that  an  amiable 
Englishman  in  front  of  them  undertakes  the  part 
of  cicerone.  In  the  distance  looms  a  fourth 
American.  How  did  he  gain  admission  1  Of  course 
he  is  a  journalist ;  of  course  a  man  stops  him  in 
the  street,  tells  him  he  has  a  ticket  for  sale ;  the 
American  buys  it  for  two  shillings  and  sixpence, 
and,  without  having  made  the  slightest  effort,  he 
finds  himself  master  of  the  situation.  Americans 
are  the  cats  of  humanity.  They  have  nine  lives, 
and  always  alight  on  their  feet. 

The  North  Gallery  does  not  accommodate  more 
than  a  hundred  people,  and  is  not  fair  to  gaze 
upon.  An  elderly  lady  whispers  to  her  neighbor 
that  a  third  lady,  who  is  very  corpulent  and  very 
red  in  the  face,  resembles  the  Queen.  Then  the 
corpulent  and  red-faced  lady  is  stared  at.  Then 
an  Indian  appears  swathed  in  exquisite  silks  that 
I  long  to  cut  up  into  jackets  and  Dolly  Vardeus. 
He  wears  white  kid  gloves  and  a  great  diamond 
ring  outside,  and  his  head  is  done  up  in  what,  at  a 
distance,  looks  like  crash  towelling,  but  is  n't.  This 
nabob  sits  erect,  moves  not  a  muscle,  nurses  a  great 
cane,  and  seems  to  be  even  less  in  harmony  with 
the  nineteenth  century  than  the  House  of  Lords 


120  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

itself.  Having  calculated  the  number  of  yards  of 
silk  in  his  attire,  I  turn  to  the  fine  stained-glass 
windows,  through  which  a  dim  light  peers  into 
the  House,  as  though  rather  afraid  of  entering 
without  the  Lord  Chamberlain's  permission.  It  is 
a  stately  hall,  but  in  no  way  adequate  to  the  re 
quirements  of  either  legislators  or  public.  It 
will  serve  as  a  fine  committee-room  for  the  coming 
republic.  These  fine  stained  windows  represent 
the  kings  and  queens  of  England  ;  but  Henry 
VIII.,  my  nearest  neighbor,  is  shorn  of  his  fair 
proportions,  being  represented  with  but  two  wives, 
Katherine  of  Arragon  and  Ann  Bolcyn.  Whether 
there  was  not  glass  enough  to  go  round,  or  whether 
it  was  thought  necessary  to  draw  the  line  some 
where,  is  a  profound  question  which  my  inner 
consciousness  is  incapable  of  answering. 

While  I  am  contemplating  this  much-married 
king,  General  Schenck,  William  M.  Evarts,  George 
H.  Boker,  our  new  Minister  at  Constantinople,  and 
General  Woodhull,  enter  the  diplomatic  gallery. 
Four  more  strongly  marked  types  of  America  it 
would  be  difficult  to  bring  together.  Wiry,  thin, 
acute,  incisive  New  England,  with  features  as 
sharp  as  the  intellect ;  the  shrewd,  robust  com 
mon-sense  and  hearty  good-nature  of  the  West; 
and  the  tall  figure  and  well-rounded  features  of 


OPENING    OF  PARLIAMENT.  121 

Pennsylvania's  elect.  Then  Mr.  Slingsby  Bethell, 
the  reading  clerk,  in  white  wig,  black  gown,  and 
muddy  boots,  appears  upon  the  floor.  A  few- 
peers  shake  hands  with  a  few  ladies;  nobody 
seems  inclined  to  occupy  the  empty  benches ;  Sir 
Augustus  Clifford,  the  usher  of  the  Black  Rod, 
walks  about  in  a  gilded  uniform,  and  the  Bishop 
of  Hereford  makes  bold  to  take  his  seat.  He  is 
followed  by  four  other  bishops,  who,  in  their  black 
gowns  and  white  sleeves,  look,  when  seated,  as 
though  they  had  got  as  far  as  their  waistcoats,  and, 
from  absence  of  mind,  had  left  their  coats  at 
home.  Those  who  love  lords  have  little  oppor 
tunity  of  feeding  their  noble  passion.  The  Lords 
will  not  appear,  but  at  two  o'clock  we  have  the 
exquisite  satisfaction  of  gazing  upon  the  Royal 
Commissioners,  the  .Lord  Chancellor  (Lord  Hath- 
erly),  the  Marquis  of  Ripon,  Lord  Halifax,  Lord 
Sydney,  and  Lord  Bessborough.  Not  Solomon  in 
all  his  glory  was  arrayed  like  one  of  these.  They 
appear  clothed  in  scarlet  robes  that,  on  the  right 
side,  are  slashed  with  white,  so  that  you  think  a  very 
little  of  barbers'  poles  and  a  good  deal  of  clowns 
in  morning -gowns.  The  Lord  Chancellor  wears  a 
wig;  the  others  do  not.  The  Lord  Chancellor 
wears  a  black  cocked  hat ;  the  others  wear  cha- 
peaux.  They  all  seat  themselves  on  a  red  bench 
6 


122  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

before  the  throne,  the  Lord  Chancellor  in  the  mid 
dle.  "  How  would  you  feel  in  such  clothes  1 "  asks 
one  distinguished  American  of  another.  "  Like  a 
confounded  fool "  is  his  prompt  reply.  Somebody 
puts  a  red  and  gold  satchel  of  unknown  significance 
on  the  table  before  the  Commissioners.  Somebody 
else  carries  the  mace  about.  It  seems  very  heavy 
and  a  great  burden.  The  bearer  does  not  know 
what  to  do  with  it,  so  he  puts  it  away  in  a  corner, 
—  a  very  good  place  for  it.  The  "Black  Rod  bows 
before  the  Commissioners,  then  goes  in  search  of 
the  House  of  Commons.  You  hear  a  roar,  as  of 
waves  dashing  against  breakers  ;  nearer  and 
nearer,  until  you  know  that  the  Commoners  have 
obeyed  the  summons.  You  do  not  see  them,  as 
they  stand  directly  under  the  North  Gallery. 
Then  the  reading  clerk  mumbles  something  that 
you  cannot  hear,  but  which  you  know  to  be  the 
Royal  Commission  authorizing  the  noble  gentle 
men  on  the  bench  and  "  our  well-beloved  son,  the 
Prince  of  Wales,"  to  act  on  behalf  of  her  Majesty. 
As  each  Commissioner  is  named,  he  removes  his 
hat,  and  all  the  hats  are  raised  on  the  entrance  of 
the  Commons.  This  reading  over,  the  Lord  Chan 
cellor  proceeds  with  the  Queen's  Speech,  so  called 
because  the  Queen  has  nothing  in  the  world  to  do 
with  it.  The  Lord  Chancellor  may  be  the  cleverest 


OPENING    OF  PARLIAMENT.  123 

Of  men>  —  I  dare  say  he  is,  — but  if  a  school-boy 
in  America  were  to  make  such  work  of  a  reading- 
lesson  as  the  Lord  Chancellor  does  of  the  Speech, 
he  would  be  sent  to  the  foot  of  his  class.    "  Never, 
perhaps,  were  royal  words  so  misread,  so  stumbled 
over,   so  jumbled  together,  or  so  hopelessly  con 
fused,"  says  the  "  Standard."  For  the  first  time  in 
my  life  I  find  myself  agreeing  with  a  conservative 
journal.      The    Lord    Chancellor   is    near-sighted, 
loses  his  place,  can't  see  out  of  his  glasses,  and,  if 
it  were  not  for  the  prompting  of  Lord  Ripon,  I 
don't   know  what  would  become   of  him.     How 
ever,  he  gets  through,  and  when  he  comes  to  the 
Alabama   clause    General    Schenck's    eyes    grow 
keener,    and    Mr.    Evarts    pays    close    attention. 
"  Her  Majesty's  speech  appears  to  me  as  full  of 
bad  grammar  as  is  usually  found  in  documents  of 
this  kind,"  declares  the  Duke  of  Richmond ;  "  and 
it  is  something  to   say  that  in  this  respect  the 
speech  does  not  fall  below  the  level  of  any  of  its 
predecessors."     But,  with    all    its   bad  grammar, 
Latin  words,  and  Johnsonian  sentences,  it  is  soon 
over ;  the  Commoners  depart  as  they  came ;  the 
Commissioners  again  remove  their  hats  ;  we  put 
on   our  shawls,  like  the  Arabs,  and  quietly  steal 
away. 

"  For  the  love  of  God,  good   lady,  sweet  lady, 


124  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

help  a  poor  woman  who  is  starving !  Buy  a  few 
flowers;  do,  dear  lady."  This  is  the  cry  that 
meets  me  as  I  leave  the  Houses  of  Parliament.  I 
think  of  the  men  in  gold-lace  paid  to  do  nothing ; 
I  think  of  the  House  of  Lords ;  I  think  of  the 
Seven  Dials ;  I  wonder  how  long  it  will  be  before 
the  good  time  coming  arrives,  and  I  thank  God  for 
America. 


REPUBLICANISM   IN   ENGLAND. 


LONDON,  February  20,  1872. 
DRI\TE  to  the  House  of  Commons  to 
hear  Gladstone  defend  his  course  in  the 
translation  of  Sir  Robert  Collier,  a  trans 
lation  which  requires  more  explanation'  than  if 
Collier  had  remained  in  the  original.  The  confu 
sion  of  tongues  in  consequence  is  almost  equal  to 
that  of  Babel.  It  is  early,  —  by  which  I  mean 
that  it  is  three  p.  M.,  —  few  members  have  ar 
rived  ;  and  while  one  genial  M.  P.  tells  me  how 
well  his  son  has  been  treated  in  America,  another 
invites  me  to  take  the  Speaker's  chair,  which, 
though  rather  hard  to  sit  on,  is  very  becoming. 
Dignity  and  authority  steal  o'er  me,  and  I  feel  that, 
in  "the  coming  race,"  Dame  Britannia  will  preside 
with  far  more  grace,  though  hardly  with  more 
ability,  than  the  Brand-new  Speaker.  She  will 
not  spoil  her  good  looks  by  donning  a  black  gown 
and  a  dreadful  big  wig,  whereby  hangs  a  tail. 


126  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

Through  mazy  windings  I  attain  the  ladies'  gal 
lery.  The  door  is  locked,  and  a  dozen  women 
stand  up  for  half  an  hour,  when,  after  comparing 
our  names  with  those  on  the  list,  the  usher  per 
mits  us  to  enter. 

Tired  at  the  beginning,  exasperation  is  soon 
added  to  fatigue,  for  the  Ladies'  Gallery  of  the 
House  of  Commons  is  nothing  more  nor  less 
than  a  box  capable  of  holding  about  thirty  women, 
only  a  dozen  of  whom  can  occupy  front  seats  and 
see  and  hear  with  the  least  comfort.  In  front  of 
this  coop  is  a  heavy  iron  grille,  so  that  I  soon 
feel  as  if  I  were  shut  up  in  prison  for  some  un 
known  crime.  I  can  flatten  my  nose  against  the 
bars  and  see  without  being  seen,  —  by  which  ar 
rangement  the  intellect  of  mighty  man  is  not  dis 
tracted  by  the  presence  of  lovely  woman ;  though 
why  the  gallery  in  the  House  of  Lords  should  be 
open,  and  this  of  the  Commons  shut,  puzzles  the 
understanding.  Are  strangers  to  conclude  that 
the  Lords  can  bear  the  feminine  ordeal,  because 
they  have  no  brains  to  be  distracted  1  Did  I  say 
that  I  could  see  without  being  seen  1  At  best,  I 
see  with  difficulty,  first,  because  the  gallery  is 
perched  high  in  the  air,  —  in  very  bad  air,  let  me 
add,  —  and,  secondly,  because  M.  P.'s  will  wear 
their  hats.  To  distinguish  one  man  from  another 


REPUBLICANISM  IN  ENGLAND.  127 

requires  far-sighted  vision,  and  the  effect  of  sev 
eral  hundred  hats  walking  about  or  sitting  is  not 
more  imposing  than  an  equal  number  of  portable 
stove-pipes.  Gladstone  is  almost  the  only  man 
whose  head  is  regularly  uncovered.  From  the 
contemplation  of  hats  you  may  proceed  to  the 
study  of  boots,  the  next  object  of  overpowering 
prominence.  The  majority  of  the  members  look 
as  though  they  had  good  cooks,  good  tailors,  and 
were  good  fellows.  At  3.45  o'clock  the  Usher  of 
the  Black  Rod  bows  in  the  Speaker,  prayers  are 
delivered  by  the  Chaplain,  but,  of  course,  we  in 
the  gallery  hear  nothing.  The  Chaplain  probably 
thinks  that  the  Creator  has  heard  prayers  often 
enough  to  have  committed  them  to  memory. 
Having  gone  through  this  laborious  exercise,  the 
Chaplain  backs  out  of  the  House,  and  the  mem 
bers  proceed  to  business. 

There  is  private  business  and  there  are  peti 
tions ;  members  jump  up  and  say  things  to  them 
selves,  apparently,  for  not  one  word  do  we  women 
hear.  Finally,  in  walk  the  Ministry,  and  in  walk 
the  Opposition,  the  author  of  "Lothair"  at  their 
hsad, 

With  each  particular  hair  smooth  to  th'  end, 
Like  flax  upon  the  yielding  sticking-\vax. 

Then  the  bullying  and  badgering  begin.     Dis- 


128  AlfERICANS  ABROAD. 

raeli  sticks  pins  into  Gladstone  by  asking  about 
the  time  when  the  "  American  Case  "  (was  there 
ever  such  a  hard  case  1)  was  first  brought  before 
the  government.  Mr.  Bouverie  (Opposition)  wants 
to  know  if  the  Premier  really  did  write  a  letter  to 
the  correspondent  of  the  "  New  York  World,"  and 
ii  howl  of  derision  goes  up  from  the  Tories  at 
thought  of  Gladstone's  condescending  to  write  to 
a  journalist.  When  the  Badgered  One  declares 
that  his  letter  was  in  answer  to  a  desire  for  an 
interview,  the  idea  is  considered  such  a  wonderful 
joke  as  to  excite  shouts  of  laughter.  Gladstone, 
however,  gives  everybody  to  understand  that  he 
sees  no  compromise  of  dignity  in  writing  to  repre 
sentatives  of  great  American  journals,  and  informs 
the  House  that  he  is  called  upon  daily  to  address 
persons  of  far  less  consequence,  which  explanation 
silences  the  opposition,  and  is  not  fully  reported  in 
the  papers,  perhaps  from  fear  of  its  effect  upon  Great 
American  Interviewers.  At  last  Mr.  Cross,  a  little 
man  with  blond  hair  and  mutton-chop  whiskers, 
rises  to  censure  the  government  for  Sir  Robert 
Collier's  translation.  When  he  rises  I  rise,  for 
now  I  know  that  Gladstone  will  not  reply  before 
midnight,  and  there  is  something  infinitely  more 
exciting  to  be  done  than  to  hear  the  Ministry 
Cross-questioned  on  a  subject  that  has  little  in 
terest  for  foreigners. 


REPUBLICANISM  IN  ENGLAND.  129 

I  leave,  and,  fortified  by  dinner,  my  next  ap 
pearance  is  in  the  vestry  hall  of  Chelsea,  where 
Sir  Charles  Dilke  and  Sir  Henry  Hoare  are  to 
address  their  constituents.  The  prediction  is  that 
I  shall  return  home  in  small  pieces.  The  game 
is  worth  the  small  pieces,  and  I  go.  The  meeting 
ought  to  have  taken  place  on  the  17th  of  Jan 
uary,  but  was  not  then  permitted  on  account  of 
the  Princely  Typhoid.  Indeed,  it  was  with  great 
difficulty  that  the  hall  was  obtained  at  all,  a  ma 
jority  of  one  only  being  in  favor  of  allowing  the 
arch-fiend  Dilke  to  have  a  hearing  in  his  own 
borough.  And  it  is  not  a  little  curious  to  know 
that  this  one  vestryman  who  decided  in  Dilke's 
favor  is  a  music-teacher  who,  while  sharing  the 
young  M.  P.'s  opinions,  did  not  dare  to  support 
him  several  years  ago  on  account  of  the  great 
pecuniary  injury  a  liberal  vote  would  have  in 
volved.  His  pupils  would  have  deserted  him. 

"  I  should  like  to  punch  your  head  ! "  exclaims 
a  tall  man  in  a  long  coat,  going  up  to  Dilke  as  he 
leaves  his  house  for  the  meeting.  "  Two  can  play 
at  that  game  ;  perhaps  I  should  like  to  punch 
yours,"  replies  Dilke.  The  man  turns  like  a  cow 
ard,  and  though  Sir  Charles  follows  him  for  a  short 
distance,  he  shows  no  fight,  and  the  republican 
enters  the  vestry-hall  none  the  worse  for  a  threat. 


130  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

And  such  a  meeting  as  it  is  !  The  hall  ordinarily 
seats  fifteen  hundred,  but  to-night  the  benches 
have  been  so  arranged  as  to  accommodate  eighteen 
hundred,  while  two  hundred  more  than  the  hall 
can  hold  have  by  some  means  contrived  to  gain  a 
footing.  One  youth,  climbing  On  the  shoulders  of 
the  crowd,  swings  himself  up  to  the  outside  iron 
railing  of  the  gallery,  and,  not  allowed  to  climb 
over,  clings  to  the  railing,  sitting,  apparently,  on 
nothing  for  the  entire  evening.  Others  have  ob 
tained  a  footing  on  a  slight  projection  of  the  wall; 
others,  still,  look  as  though  they  were  standing 
on  people's  heads,  but  in  reality  have  mounted  a 
barricade  near  the  door.  Two  thousand  within, 
there  are  quite  as  many  without  who  clamor  to  be 
let  in,  and,  pushing,  cause  hundreds  near  the  door 
to  surge  like  the  sea  in  a  storm. 

As  we  appear  on  the  narrow  platform,  the  cheer 
ing  and  applause  for  Dilke  is  almost  deafening.  It 
is  no  mob  that  applauds.  If  these  men  be  the 
"  roughs  of  London,"  as  they  are  called  in  society, 
then  I  can  truthfully  say  that  I  have  rarely  seen 
in  England  a  more  intelligent  body  of  men.  The 
heads  of  the  majority  are  good,  many  are  more 
than  good,  several  are  evidently  gentlemen,  and 
unwashed  faces  are  few.  Four  women  have  been 
brave  enough  to  venture  into  the  body  of  the  hall ; 


REPUBLICANISM  IN  ENGLAND.  131 

and  four  women,  including  Lady  Dilke,  on  the 
platform,  do  their  best  to  represent  advanced 
women's  opinions.  It  is  useless  for  the  genial 
chairman  to  try  to  be  heard.  The  audience  is 
perfectly  good-natured,  but  it  is  uproarious  and 
will  listen  to  nobody  but  Dilke,  who,  upon  rising, 
is  received  with  hats,  lungs,  hands,  feet,  and 
pocket-handkerchiefs.  Then  the  dense  mass  set 
tles  itself  to  hear  one  of  the  fairest  and  most 
enlightened  speeches  ever  delivered  on  this  side 
of  the  Atlantic.  Without  prelude,  without  any 
attempt  at  rhetoric,  Dilke  plunges  at  once  into  the 
middle  of  the  American  Case,  treating  the  matter 
with  an  intelligence  as  creditable  to  him  as  it  is 
rare  in  Parliament. 

Ah,  if  all  Americans  who  believe  we  have  no 
friends  in  England  could  see  the  hearty  good-will  to 
us  beaming  in  every  face  in  this  audience,  could  hear 
the  applause  with  which  Dilke's  opinions  are  re 
ceived,  and  could  feel  the  sympathetic  magnetism, 
they  would  draw  a  very  wide  distinction  between 
the  people  and  press  of  England  !  Speaking  of  the 
advantages  of  a  republican  form  of  government, 
and  stating  that  he  shall  also  introduce  in  the 
House  of  Commons  a  bill  to  provide  for  the  public 
management  of  lands  already  public,  that  he  shall 
move  his  last  vear's  amendments  to  the  Ballot  Bill, 


132  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

by  which  the  poll,  instead  of  closing  at  four,  will 
be  kept  open  to  eight  o'clock,  and  that  he  shall 
move  for  the  redistribution  of  seats  in  Parliament, 
Dilke  concludes  by  saying  :  — 

"  The  details,  then,  of  all  my  statements,  I  shall  reserve 
for  the  House  of  Commons,  and  one  only  other  word 
will  I  utter  at  present  on  this  question.  I  would  beg 
you  that  when  men,  from  interested  motives,  or  from 
ignorance,  accuse  those  of  us  who  say  these  things  of 
saying  them  by  way  of  personal  attack  upon  the  Queen, 
to  answer  only,  that  were  we  to  bring  into  account  the 
character  of  the  present  occupant  of  the  throne,  we 
should  —  I  should  —  state  it  as  an  argument  telling  in 
favor  of  monarchy  in  England,  that  it  has  produced  a 
sovereign  who,  beside  being  a  model  wife  and  mother, 
has  so  just  a  perception  of  the  true  position  of  a  con 
stitutional  ruler  as  her  Majesty.  [Applause.']  But, 
happily  for  the  future  of  English  republicanism,  it 
rests  not  at  present  upon,  and  I  hope  may  never 
come  to  be  supported  by,  any  personal  arguments  at 
all."  [Cheers.} 

0,  the  cheers  that  go  up  as  Charles  Dilke  sits 
down  !  A  red  banner,  bearing  the  inscription  in 
gold  letters,  "  Honor  to  Dilke,"  is  hung  from  the 
gallery.  It  is  greeted  with  three  times  three 
cheers,  and  three  times  three  again.  It  is  worth 
while  being  abused  to  be  so  loved ;  and,  for  my 
part,  I  feel  more  at  home  among  these  honest 


REPUBLICANISM  IN  ENGLAND.  133 

Republicans  than  I  have  felt  since  I  left  America. 
But  now  matters  begin  to  look  serious.  Sir  Henry 
Hoare  rises,  and  every  sound  of  which  the  human 
throat  is  capable  is  hurled  at  him.  I  hear  every 
note  in  almost  every  octave,  flats  and  sharps,  groans 
in  every  vowel.  Men  rise  and  shake  their  fists  at 
the  honorable  baronet,  who  never  flinches,  although 
he  knows  he  is  hated  for  having  repudiated  the 
Republican  tendencies  of  his  colleague.  In  vain 
the  chairman  calls  the  meeting  to  order.  At  last 
Dilke  rises,  and  in  deference  to  him  the  audience 
subsides  until  Sir  Henry  tells  them  that  England 
is  more  of  a  republic  than  America,  when  the  roar 
ing  and  surging  begin  again.  "  Who  among  you 
are  fit  to  be  republicans  1 "  shrieks  Sir  Henry ; 
whereupon  everybody  laughs  contemptuously,  and 
one  fellow  jumps  up,  exclaiming,  with  a  broad  grin 
on  his  face,  "  Look  at  me.  I  am  !  "  Sir  Henry  is 
in  bad  odor,  and  though  he  is  occasionally  ap 
plauded,  there  is  no  sympathy  between  him  and 
his  hearers.  Sir  Henry  shows  pluck  to  the  end, 
and  sits  down  amid  great  confusion.  When  the 
resolution  of  confidence  in  both  members  is  put  to 
the  meeting,  the  wildest  dissent  follows.  "  Put 
them  separately  "  screams  everybody.  Somebody 
suggests  a  compromise,  that  after  passing  the 
resolution  a  special  vote  of  confidence  shall  be 


134  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

accorded  to  Sir  Charles  Dilke.  No,  indeed.  The 
people  will  listen  to  nothing  of  the  sort,  and  it  is 
not  until  Sir  Charles  begs  them  as  a  special  favor 
to  himself  to  accept  the  resolution,  that  they 
acquiesce.  When  it  and  the  rider  are  put  and 
the  vote  is  taken,  four  thousand  hands  fly  into 
the  air,  looking  like  skeleton  birds  on  the  wing. 
It  is  an  exciting  moment,  a  complete  victory  for 
Sir  Charles  Dilke  ;  and,  when  he  drives  away,  the 
cheers  of  five  thousand  Republicans  make  finer 
music  than  the  Coldstream  Band.  Do  you  think 
that  the  typhoid  fever  has  killed  the  British  re 
public  1 

It  is  a  quarter  past  eleven,  not  too  late  for 
Gladstone,  so  back  I  drive  to  the  House  of  Com 
mons  in  time  to  hear  Mr.  Denham  and  Mr.  Hardy 
attack  the  government,  and  hear  Gladstone's 
response.  The  Premier  is  fluent,  but  he  is  not 
eloquent.  How  can  he  be,  when  his  cry  is 
"  Misericordia  "  ?  A  speaker  who  begs  the  ques 
tion  cannot  fire  one  with  burning  oratory.  I  hear 
Gladstone,  but  it  is  Gladstone  at  the  ebb ;  and 
when  he  sits  down  I  feel  that  the  victory  he  is  to 
gain  will  be  almost  equal  to  a  defeat.  The  division 
is  taken,  Fawcett,  the  Republican,  walks  off  with 
the  Tories,  seven  other  Liberals  follow  in  his 
wake,  several  prominent  Radicals  have  remained 


REPUBLICANISM  IN  ENGLAND.  135 

away  altogether,  while  others  have  departed  but  a 
short  time ;  and  when  Glyn,  the  Liberal  whip,  de 
clares  the  government  to  have  beaten  by  twenty- 
seven  votes,  a  faint  cheer  goes  up  that  is  in 
strange  contrast  with  the  huzzas  I  have  heard 
earlier  in  the  evening.  When  I  leave,  Gladstone 
and  Glyn  are  hobnobbing  and  smiling;  but  the 
Premier's  smile  is  forced,  and  I  wonder  whether 
he  has  heard  the  echo  of  those  Republican  voices 
in  Chelsea. 


THE  THANKSGIVING  SERVICE. 


LONDON,  February  28,  1872. 
PURPOSE  that  on  Tuesday,  the  27th 
instant,  conformably  to  the  good  and 
becoming  usage  of  former  days,  the  bless 
ing  thus  received  shall  be  acknowledged  on  be 
half  of  the  nation  by  a  Thanksgiving  in  the 
metropolitan  cathedral,  At  this  celebration,  it  is 
my  desire  and  hope  to  be  present."  Who  pur 
poses]  Queen  Victoria.  What  blessing?  Is  it 
necessary  to  answer  1  Is  not  "  blessing  "  synony 
mous  with  the  Prince  of  Wales's  restoration  to 
health?  Such  a  naive  question  comes  of  liv 
ing  under  republican  institutions.  As  soon  as 
the  Queen  decided  to  visit  St.  Paul's  in  state, 
everybody  else  wanted  to  go.  From  loyalty,  do 
you  suppose  1  Arthur  Helps,  who  ought  to  know, 
declares  that  Londoners  are  singularly  full  of 
curiosity.  When  it  becomes  impossible  for  every 
body  to  attend  a  celebration,  of  course  everybody 
wants  to  go.  Four  hundred  Americans  besieged 


THE   THANKSGIVING  SERVICE.  137 

the  Legation  for  tickets,  and  out  of  the  four  hun 
dred,  eight  obtained  the  desired  entree.  The 
Lord  Chamberlain  is  mighty.  He  wields  his 
sceptre  with  becoming  despotism,  and  does  unto 
everybody  as  he  would  not  have  anybody  do  unto 
him.  Not  only  was  it  a  great  favor  to  have  any 
ticket  at  all,  but  the  Great  Chamberlain  decreed 
that  on  your  tickets  should  be  written  your  name 
by  the  United  States  Minister,  and  by  nobody 
else,  and  that  no  ticket  should  be  transferable ! 
People  dared  not  accept  tickets  from  friends  who 
were  detained  at  home  by  illness,  for  fear  of  being 
forced  to  perjure  themselves  at  the  doors  of  St. 
Paul's.  1  fully  expected  to  be  challenged,  to  take 
my  oath  that  I  was  myself,  and  that  General 
Schenck  had,  with  his  own  right  hand,  written 
my  name  on  the  entrance  card,  which  was  big 
enough  to  admit  Brigham  Young  and  his  entire 
family.  Unnecessary  fear  !  The  tickets  were  not 
examined,  were  not  even  taken  from  us,  and 
several  that  I  picked  up  after  the  ceremony  indi 
cated  no  name  whatever.  So  much  for  absurd 
edicts  of  the  Lord  Chamberlain,  who  would  have 
prevented  unmarried  members  of  Parliament  from 
taking  ladies  had  not  Montague  Guest  struck  for 
his  "  sisters  "  and  his  fires. 

Having  caught  my  ticket,  kind  friends  who  had 


138  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

none  advised  me  not  to  go ;  first,  because  I  'd  prob 
ably  never  reach  St.  Paul's,  as  there  were  to  be 
twelve  miles  of  carriages,  and  how  could  I  be  in 
side  of  Temple  Bar  before  eleven  1  Or,  if  I  did  get 
there,  how  could  I  find  my  carriage  after  the  per 
formance,  —  I  mean  ceremony  1  and  then  what 
would  prevent  my  being  crushed  to  death  by  the 
crowd  ?  "  But  if  you  persist  in  your  resolution," 
said  the  last  adviser,  "  go  early."  The  "  Times  "  de 
voted  columns  to  the  same  refrain,  so  that  thirteen 
thousand  men  and  women  passed  one  of  the  most 
wretchedly  sleepless  nights  of  their  lives  in  a 
feverish  desire  to  obey  the  mandate  of  The  Thun 
derer.  In  London,  gaslight  is  so  infinitely  superior 
to  daylight  as  to  tempt  one  never  to  go  to  bed  — 
and  never  to  get  up.  Picture,  then,  thirteen  thou 
sand  yawning  human  beings,  snatched  from  an  ear 
ly  nightmare,  bolting  their  breakfasts  as  fast  as  jug 
glers  bolt  swords,  cramming  luncheons  into  their 
pockets,  rushing  into  carriages,  and  being  driven 
off  to  see  what  a  republican  weekly  here  calls  the 
"  Great  Raree  Show."  Over-anxious  ticket-holders 
left  their  homes  as  early  as  6.30,  the  very  thought 
of  which  hour  plunges  a  Londoner  in  suicidal  gloom. 
Half  past  eight  sees  us  on  our  winding  way,  and 
the  first  flag  we  drive  under  is  the  Star-Spangled 
Banner,  displayed  in  Piccadilly  by  the  Christy 


THE   THANKSGIVING  SERVICE.  139 

minstrels.  "  An  eager  and  a  nipping  air "  does 
not  add  to  the  hilarity  of  the  hour,  and  if  this  be 
"  Queen's  weather,"  the  less  we  have  of  it  the  bet 
ter.  Through  Leicester  Square,  sullen  and  undec- 
orated,  through  narrow  streets,  in  which  loyalty 
has  not  broken  out,  we  at  last  reach  the  Strand, 
and  find  ourselves  one  of  an  immense  cortege. 
Everybody  seems  to  be  good-natured,  every 
body  that  is  not  in  the  street  is  looking  out  of 
windows ;  and  when  I  see  these  faces,  so  thankful 
to  be  let  loose  from  work  for  outdoor  celebration, 
I  wonder  England  does  not  invent  a  few  holidays 
to  save  her  populace  from  the  deadening  eifect 
of  everlasting  grind.  "  Scott,  the  champion  bill 
poster,"  "  *  The  Daily  News,'  —  world-wide  circu 
lation,"  "  '  The  Daily  Telegraph,'  —  largest  circula 
tion  in  the  world,"  and  "  The  Echo "  do  an  im 
mense  business  in  advertising.  They  burst  forth  in 
every  direction.  As  decorations  they  are  danger 
ous  rivals  to  "God  bless  the  Prince  of  Wales  ! " 
"  The  Echo,"  dressed  in  dark  blue,  absolutely  serv 
ing  as  a  neat  trimming  to  St.  Martin's  Le  Grand. 
A  few  people  wear  the  national  colors,  but  other 
wise  there  is  no  attempt  at  personal  adornment, 
except  in  a  man  seated  over  the  suggestive  sign 
of  C.  Sharp,  who  wears  an  enormous  worsted  sun 
flower  in  his  buttonhole. 


140  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

On    one    side    we    read     Scriptural     mottoes, 
"  We  praise  thee,  0  Lord,"  "  My  Son  was  dead, 
and  is  alive  again";  on  the  other  we    see  gaylv 
dressed   women  sitting  in  the  windows  of  grog 
shops,  with  gin-bottles  and  "  the  Prince  of  Wales' s 
ale,    recommended   by  the    faculty,"  above  their 
heads.     Carlo  Gatti,  pastry-cook,  has  attempted  to 
trim  the  fagades  of  his  shop  as  he  would  a  wed 
ding-cake.     He  succeeds.     Children  in   Highland 
dress  stand  upon  the  platform  of  a  church,  and 
the  crowd  playfully  ask  us  to  show  our  tickets. 
Figaro  hangs  out  a  banner,  addressed  to  the  Prince 
of  Wales,  which  strikes  me  as  peculiar.     "Wel 
come,  and    many    happy   returns,"    says    Figaro. 
Keturns   of    what?      Typhoid    fever  1      I    doubt 
whether  the  Deity  ever  was  so  patronized  as  on 
this    occasion.     "We   give   thanks,    Lord   Jesus, 
King  of  kings,  for  the   recovery,"  etc.     Then,  as 
being  particularly  appropriate  to  this  recovery,  we 
are  told  to  "  Put  your  trust  in  God,  boys,  and  keep 
your  powder  dry."     "God  save  us  all  "  is  about 
the  only  generous  motto   I   discover,  every  other 
being  determined  that  nobody  shall  be  saved  but 
the  royal   family.     Then    come    elegant   extracts 
from  the  national  hymn.      "Confound  their  poli 
tics,   frustrate    their   knavish  tricks,"  is    a   great 
favorite,  undoubtedly  selected  with  a  view  to  cov- 


THE   THANKSGIVING  SERVICE.  HI 

ering  Republicans  with  confusion.  Should  they 
rally  from  this,  they  are  sure  to  be  frightened  out 
of  their  heresy  if  they  stand  before  the  "  Fun"  office 
and  see  Dilke  tossed  on  high  by  the  British  lion. 
In  Fleet  Street  the  scene  is  really  picturesque,  in 
spite  of  poverty  of  ingenuity  in  decoration.  The 
flags  and  gay  colors  give  it  an  almost  Venetian  look  ; 
and  London  proves  that,  with  more  thought,  more 
time,  and  united  enthusiasm,  she  can  retrieve  her 
reputation  for  ugliness  and  want  of  color.  But 
the  people  are  most  interesting  to  contemplate. 
Boys  dance  breakdowns;  men  on  the  tops  of 
houses  are  to  take  care  of  themselves.  "There 
goes  Roger ! "  screams  the  crowd,  as  a  very  fat 
cab-driver,  not  unlike  the  Tichborne  claimant, 
passes  along.  A  man  with  a  bouquet  of  violets 
enacts  the  prima  donna.  u  God  bless  your  pretty 
face  !  "  says  a  woman  with  flowers,  addressing  a 
gray-haired  New-Yorker  in  our  carriage.  Is  it 
necessary  to  add  that  the  flattery  produces  the 
desired  effect  1  Programmes  of  the  day's  proceed 
ings  are  for  sale  by  everybody,  and  we  buy,  and 
buy,  and  buy,  the  last  seller  assuring  us  that  his  is 
the  best  because  it  has  the  prettiest  cover.  When 
we  arrive  at  St.  Paul's,  we  are  presented  with 
gorgeous  official  programmes,  and  discover  the 
others  to  be  worthless. 


142  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

We  pass  Temple  Bar,  which  is  transformed  from 
a  grim  old  warrior  into  a  Columbine.  There,  in  a 
window,  sit  two  Bostonians  who  have  paid  eighteen 
guineas  for  their  seats.  We  drive  over  a  sanded 
floor ;  we  are  chaffed  as  everybody  must  be  chaffed 
by  a  London  crowd  ;  we  are  desired  to  remember 
them  to  Wales,  and  say  they  '11  call  to-morrow. 
"  There  are  no  two  ways  about  us  !  "  shouts  a  man 
who  is  forced  to  go  in  one  direction  when  he  would 
go  in  another.  Policemen  are  bullied  and  badgered 
in  a  manner  that  passeth  all  understanding.  But 
never  mind  them.  England  expects  every  man  to 
do  his  duty ;  and  here  we  are  at  St.  Paul's,  enter 
ing  by  the  southwest  door.  Without  difficulty 
we  reach  the  corner  devoted  to  u  distinguished  for 
eigners,"  and  find  that,  although  it  is  but  ten 
o'clock,  the  cathedral  is  rapidly  filling.  Ushers 
in  dress-coats  politely  show  us  to  our  seats,  and 
then  we  proceed  to  survey  the  scene.  Remember 
that  the  structure  is  not  Gothic,  that  we  are  in 
the  southwest  corner  of  the  dome,  with  a  gallery 
above  us  devoted  to  the  Queen's  household,  with 
both  naves  cut  off  from  view,  and  with  nothing  in 
sight  but  the  royal  pew,  which  is  in  front  of  us. 
There  are  rows  of  chairs  in  front  of  the  pew,  in 
tended  for  peers  and  commoners,  and  distant  gal 
leries  opposite  are  trimmed  with  red  bunting.  We 


THE   THANKSGIVING  SERVICE.  143 

know  that  the  Diplomatic  Corps  is  in  the  north 
corner,  corresponding  to  ours,  but  we  see  nothing 
of  their  gay  plumage.  They  ought  to  have  been 
placed  in  the  body  of  the  building,  where  their 
uniforms  would  have  produced  effect,  —  but  then 
I  'm  not  Lord  Chamberlain. 

We  contemplate  a  few  uniforms,  red  bunting, 
and  an  empty  royal  pew  for  some  time.  One 
"distinguished  foreigner,"  a  lady,  in  front  of  me, 
reads  the  "  Times."  My  left-hand  neighbor  reads 
"  My  Wife  and  I."  A  gentleman  near  by  is  ab 
sorbed  in  "  Ginx's  Baby."  He  won't  look  at  any 
thing.  He  calls  it  a  "show";  has  come  to  please 
his  wife,  and  not  even  royalty  distracts  his  atten 
tion.  And  he  is  an  Englishman!  Opera-glasses 
abound,  and  everybody  is  discussing  who  every 
body  else  is.  Soon  our  corner  is  filled  to  over 
flowing,  and  late  arrivals  are  forced  to  go  into  a 
dark  hole  where  they  can  see  nothing  and  do  noth 
ing  but  catch  cold.  General  Badeau  appears  in  full 
uniform,  and  he,  too,  is  poked  into  the  hole  ;  but 
there  are  a  few  seats  reserved  in  front,  and  at  last 
he  is  permitted  to  occupy  one.  This  excites  the 
indignation  of  "distinguished  foreigners"  in  the 
rear,  who  mutter  imprecations  011  the  ushers. 
Then  come  the  Nawab  Nazim  and  his  son,  the 
former  looking  like  the  typical  Bluebeard,  and  the 


144  AMERICANS  ABROAD, 

latter  arrayed  in  emeralds  that  almost  tempt  one 
to  commit  robbery.  Emerald  drops,  emerald  but 
tons,  emerald  everything,  and  all  for  "  one  little  In 
dian  boy  "  !  What  a  mistake  circumstances  are  ! 
More  "  distinguished  foreigners "  appear,  looking 
very  English  and  not  at  all  distinguished.  A 
prominent  writer  on  the  lt  Times "  is  seen  in  a 
gorgeous  uniform,  as  representative  of  Paraguay. 
More  Indians  are  ushered  to  the  front  seats,  — 
one  a  solemn  man  in  picturesque  garb;  and  the 
other,  a  youthful  woman  done  up  in  gold  cloth. 
Ah,  that  cloth  !  how  well  it  would  look  converted 
into  an  opera-cloak  !  Some  declare  that  the  man 
is  the  Maharajah  Duleep  Singh,  the  mediatized 
prince,  who  hates  the  Queen,  and  who  once  had 
the  pleasure  of  seeing  her  Majesty  arrayed  in  his 
jewelSj  _  but  this  I  disbelieve.  They  are  great 
and  solemn  people.  This  is  enough. 

Peers  and  peeresses  nutter  about,  and  com 
moners  begin  to  arrive.  Lord  Ripon,  in  court 
dress,  the  picture  of  good-nature,  looks  as  though 
the  Alabama  rested  lightly  on  his  shoulders.  Mr. 
Lowe  smiles  as  blandly  as  though  he  had  not  met 
his  match  in  the  people  who  hissed  him  in  his  pro 
gress  to  the  cathedral.  Ah  !  here  come  Mr.  and 
Mrs.  Gladstone  ;  she  in  black  velvet  and  white 
lace,  he  in  court  uniform.  Mrs.  Gladstone  kneels 


THE   THANKSGIVING  SERVICE.  145 

for  one  moment,  and  people  nudge  one  another 
with  surprise.  "  Well,"  whispers  one  grande  dame, 
"  you  know  she  's  the  Minister's  wife,  and  thinks 
something  is  expected  of  her."  Gladstone  puts  on 
his  white  kid  gloves,  and  bows  to  his  friends ;  but 
his  is  the  most  worn  and  tired  face  I  see.  Hun 
gry  1  how  hungry  we  are  !  So  we  pull  out  our 
luncheons,  and  munch,  and  munch,  and  munch. 

The  grande  dame  in  front  lays  aside  her  opera- 
glass  in  order  to  sip  sherry ;  and  we  conclude, 
when  we  see  both  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Gladstone,  peers, 
peeresses,  and  commoners  using  their  opera-glasses 
and  deporting  themselves  as  if  they  were  at  the 
theatre,  that  this  truly  is  a  religious  gathering, 
and  that  we  are  all  deeply  impressed  by  the 
gravity  of  the  occasion. 

A  sensation  !  everybody  rises.  Opera-glasses  to 
the  front  !  I  see  the  top  of  a  gold  mace,  and 
know  that  the  Speaker  of  the  House  has  arrived. 
General  suspense  ensues  ;  a  man  in  the  organ-loft, 
who  really  has  the  best  position,  waves  a  hand 
kerchief  ;  "  God  save  the  Queen  "  is  played ;  a 
choir  of  two  hundred  men  in  white  robes  rise  ; 
the  distinguished  but  tall  women  in  front  of  me 
stand  on  their  chairs,  and  I  see  nothing.  This  is 
too  much,  so  I  stand  on  my  chair,  all  other  women 
following  the  example.  Had  the  royal  pew  been 
7  j 


146  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

raised  four  feet  instead  of  two,  every  one  could 
have  seen  with  perfect  ease  ;  but  no  Yankee  was 
consulted.  By  dint  of  much  gymnastic  exercise,  I 
behold  the  royal  family,  and  am  not  impressed  by 
the  spectacle.  I  think  of  "the  cost  of  royalty," 
and  gaze  Tipon  the  pensioners  all  in  a  row.  The 
Queen  is  exceedingly  plain ;  her  sons  are  not  in 
the  least  good-looking ;  the  Prince  of  Wales  ap 
pears  to  better  advantage  than  he  has  for  some 
time,  for  the  reason  that  he  is  thinner  and  his 
face  has  lost  its  redness.  He  is  by  no  means 
pale,  however,  seeming  to  have  been  tanned 
by  outdoor  life,  and  appears  less  affected  by  the 
scene  than  any  other  member  of  his  family,  his 
eldest-born  excepted,  who,  being  a  child,  is  as  rest 
less  as  a  child  ought  to  be.  The  Queen  and  the 
Princess  Alexandra,  who  is  really  pretty  and  lady 
like,  bow  their  heads  from  the  beginning  to  the 
end  of  the  service,  which,  fortunately,  is  but  three 
quarters  of  an  hour  long.  Opera-glasses  are 
brought  to  a  focus  on  the  Prince  of  Wales.  A 
Te  Deum  is  sung,  which  should  be  spelled  tedium, 
for,  composed  by  Mr.  Goss,  organist  of  St.  Paul's, 
it  is  as  poor  a  composition  as  one  might  expect, 
but  is  sung  better  than  it  deserves.  There  are 
prayers,  and  there  is  a  collect.  There  is  a  prayer 
for  the  Queen's  Majesty,  and  then  is  said  the  gen- 


THE   THANKSGIVING  SERVICE.  147 

eral  thanksgiving,  with  these  inserted  words  : 
"  Particularly  to  Albert  Edward,  Prince  of  Wales, 
who  desires  now  to  offer  up  his  praises  and  thanks 
giving  for  thy  late  mercies  vouchsafed  to  him." 
"  With  the  last  words," says  to-day's  "Times,"  "  the 
leader's  voice  stopped,  and  the  perfect  pause  of  a 
few  moments,  almost  awful  in  its  intensity,  was  the 
point  at  which  the  sublimity  of  the  service  cul 
minated  and  reached  its  highest  and  intensest  ex 
pression."  I  feel  nothing  awful,  nothing  intense ; 
nothing  culminates  ;  opera-glasses  go  on  as  before  ; 
a  commonplace  anthem  is  sung,  but  nobody  listens, 
for  everybody's  ears  are  eyes.  Nor  is  there  any 
change  when  the  Archbishop  of  Canterbury  begins 
his  sermon,  taking  for  his  text,  "  Members  one  of 
another." 

It  is  the  old  story  over  again,  what  we  have  read 
in  the  newspapers ;  how  we  are  all  more  united 
than  ever  before.  But  the  sermon  is  as  brief  as 
though  it  were  the  soul  of  wit,  which  is  some 
thing.  A  commonplace  hymn  follows,  and  then 
the  Queen  and  her  children  bow  and  depart,  fol 
lowed  by  the  Gold  Stick  in  Waiting,  the  Mistress 
of  the  Robes,  the  First  Lady  of  the  Bedchamber, 
the  Second  Woman  of  the  Bedchamber,  etc.,  etc., 
all  of  whom  look  just  like  other  people,  only  they 
are  not  as  well  dressed  as  our  women  at  home. 


US  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

The  Thanksgiving  is  over.  The  organist  is  chary 
of  his  music.  None  was  allowed  before  the  Queen's 
arrival.  An  occasional  spasm  caused  a  lady 
to  exclaim,  "  I  wish  that  horrid  organ  would  do 
something  besides  grunt."  No  music  is  per 
mitted  afterward.  We  leave  the  cathedral  in 
good  order  and  with  the  driest  of  eyes,  although 
a  pamphlet  prophesied  that  we  should  be  bathed  in 
tears.  Lords  and  ladies  drive  away  in  gorgeous 
carriages,  aldermen  walk  about  in  gowns  and  cigars ; 
I  tread  on  the  gown  of  a  very  great  bigwig,  but 
do  no  mischief;  we  are  driven  away  as  Lord  Gran- 
ville's  carriage  is  announced  ;  and  when  I  am  asked 
how  I  like  it,  I  say  that  the  Boston  Peace  Jubilee 
of  1869  was  so  magnificently  superior  to  it  in  real 
ity,  in  decoration,  in  massing  of  people,  in  color, 
in  music,  and  in  enthusiasm,  as  to  blot  the  Thanks 
giving  out  of  my  memory.  I  am  not  impressed, 
and  it  is  useless  to  assume  a  virtue  (1)  when  I  have 
it  not.  And  there  is  a  reverse  to  the  medal  of 
this  Thanksgiving,  which  you  shall  see  and  then 
draw  your  moral ;  for  what  is  a  Thanksgiving  with 
out  a  moral  1 


SECOND   THOUGHTS   ABOUT   THE 
THANKSGIVING. 


"The  Queen,  as  well  as  her  son  and  dear  daughter-in-law, 
felt  that  the  whole  nation  joined  with  them  in  thanking  God 
for  sparing  the  beloved  Prince  of  Wales's  life."  —  Queen's  Let 
ter. 

LONDON,  March,  1872. 

N  leaving  St.  Paul's,  and  passing  through 
Farringdon  Street,  the  crowd  lining  both 
sides  of  the  carriageway  was  in  poor 


clothes,  and  by  no  means  meek  in  spirit.  There 
was  a  settled  hardness  and  bitterness  upon  the 
faces,  especially  upon  those  of  the  women,  that 
impressed  me  profoundly ;  and  as  our  carriage 
approached  a  particularly  squalid  group,  a  woman 
exclaimed,  with  a  malignity  that  made  me  shud 
der,  "  Here  come  the  gems  of  the  Court ! "  We 
were  in  a  fine  carriage ;  we  were  well  dressed ; 
we  possessed  what  they  could  never  attain  to  : 
therefore  we  were  their  natural  enemies,  and  be 
longed  to  the  Court.  Again,  in  Oxford  Street,  the 


150  AMER/CAXS  ABROAD. 

language  excited  by  the  appearance  of  a  pret 
tily  dressed  boy  on  the  box  of  a  carriage  was  so 
awful  as  to  cause  the  terrified  mother  to  drive  into 
a  by-street.  These  arc  the  people  who,  to  quote 
the  "  Saturday  Review,"  harbor  no  envy.  No 
envy  in  England  !  No  envy  in  a  land  of  castes 
and  of  extremes  !  The  idea  is  preposterous.  And 
if  there  be  no  envy,  if  the  Seven  Dials  rejoice  in 
the  wealth  of  May  fair  and  Belgravia,  why  should 
this  same  "Saturday  Review"  declare  that  poor  and 
rich  should  be  separated  outdoors  as  well  as  indoors  ; 
that,  "  instead  of  attracting  the  turbulent  East- 
Enders  to  the  more  civilized  parts  of  London,  they 
should  be  entertained  with  fireworks  in  Victoria 
Park  and  illuminations  of  conspicuous  buildings 
in  their  own  neighborhood  1 " 

You  have  heard  how  much  the  royal  cortege 
was  cheered,  as  if  cheers  on  the  27th  were  founded 
on  the  one  grand  feeling  of  loyalty.  The  crowd 
cheered  everybody  but  Lowe  and  Gladstone.  They 
gave  our  carriage  a  reception  as  it  passed  Temple 
Bar,  for  no  reason  but  that  noise  helped  to  be 
guile  the  waiting  hours.  Probably  every  other 
carriage  received  the  same  attention.  The  people 
cheered  Disraeli ;  they  gave  an  ovation  to  a  milk- 
woman  ;  a  postman  driving  a  pony-cart  made  a 
sensation  in  Pall  Mall.  Louis  Napoleon  was  re- 


SECOND  THOUGHTS  ABOUT  THANKSGIVING. Idl 

ceived  with  acclamation;  and  Sanger's  Circus, 
which  followed  the  royal  procession,  was  much 
more  enthusiastically  welcomed  than  the  House  of 
Hanover.  Then  it  is  perfectly  true  that  banners 
bearing  the  inscription,  "God  save  the  starving 
poor  ! "  were  held  up  along  the  royal  route  ;  that 
they  were  undisturbed  by  the  populace ;  and  that 
they  were  torn  down  by  the  police,  as  if  the  prayer 
were  an  insult  to  the  Queen,  and  the  Prince  of 
Wales  enjoyed  a  monopoly  of  God.  It  is  perfectly 
true  that  the  Duke  of  Cambridge  was  received 
with  disapprobation,  and  that  the  royal  family 
were  hissed  at  several  points,  especially  in  Hyde 
Park,  where  those  who  hissed  were  attacked  by 
the  police,  but  untouched  by  the  people  !  An 
omnibus-driver  exclaimed  that  he  "had  always  till 
now  been  down  on  that  'ere  Dilke,  but  that  he  was 
blowed  if  arter  this  kind  of  thing  he  did  not  turn 
a  red-hot  Republican."  The  extreme  loyalty  of 
at  least  some  of  the  Oxford  shopkeepers  may  be 
judged  by  one  of  them,  who  remarked  apropos  of 
those  who  had  purchased  seats  in  front  of  his  shop, 
that  "  they  might  tumble  through  and  break  their 
d — d  necks.  He  had  sold  out  at  a  guinea  a  head, 
and  that  was  all  he  cared  for."  Let  us  make  his 
tory  truthfully,  or  die. 

The  illuminations  were  poor,  and  confined  almost 


U.VS  ABROAD. 


exclusively  to  shopkeepers.  When  one  remembers 
that  the  Queen  alone  has  £  1  73,000  to  spend  aiv. 
them,  *  little  of  this  loyalty  may  he  accounted  for. 
B  are  aware  *  —  again  I  quote  the  **  Saturday 
Review  *  —  "  that  some  tradesmen  may  regard  illu 
mination  not  as  a  costly  burden.  but  as  a  profita 
ble  advertisement,  and  in  this  point  of  view  the 
present  system  is  particularly  objectionable.  Per 
haps  the  strongest  impression  which  remains  after 
one  of  these  displays  is  that  of  its  general  mean 
ness  and  poverty  of  invention,  and  the  palpably 
commercial  motive  of  some  of  the  most  successful 
efforts  thai  were  made.  As  was  said  on  a  mem 
orable  occasion.  A  We  cannot  all  be  tailors."  ~  This 
final  remark  refers  to  Poole,  tailor  to  the  Prince 
of  Walesa  whose  shop  in  Saville  Kow  is  always 
brilliantly  illuminated. 

But  this  is  not  all  Determined  to  probe  the 
Thanksgiving  to  its  core,  I  went  that  Tuesday 
night  from  the  glitter  of  Poole's  tutor-shop  to  the 
H&U  of  Science  in  the  far  eastern  part  of  London, 
to  hear  Charles  Bradlaugh  denounce  the  working- 
men  who  had  accepted  invitations  to  St.  Paul's. 
Be  it  known  that  the  Queen  expressed  a  desire  to 
have  the  workingmen  represented  at  this  cere 
mony;  tint  fifty-eight  tickets  were  given  to  Mr. 
Applegarth  for  distribution  among  this  body,  with 


,.V//  TirOL'tllTH  AKOl'T 

instruction*  from  her  Majesty  that  no  ticket 
should  be  given  to  Odger,  or  to  "that  wicked  man 
Bradkugh."  I  went  to  hear  what  th»  "wicked 
man,''  otherwise  "Beast  BndbogV  otherwise 
^Brawling  Bradlangh *  had  to  say  in  hisdelenee, 
and  against  the  historic  fifty-eight  workingmen 
who  stultified  tbemselTes  by  going  to  St.  PauFft, 
Without  now  entering  into  a  criticism  of  Brad- 
kugh  the  man,  I  am  read j  to  declare  that  he  is  a 
Urn  orator,  and  that  if  he  succeeds  in  getting  into 
Parliament  at  the  next  general  election,  he  win 
stir  the  House  of  Commons  as  it  is  not  in  the 
habit  of  being  stirred.  He  swajed  bis  crowded 
audience  of  workingmen  as  I  hare  seen  no  audi 
ence  swayed  in  England.  His  prayer  was  poverty5* 
prayer.  He  and  his  audience  did  not  stand  alone 
in  their  protest  Many  towns  and  villages  were 
holdmg  meetings,— Arlington,  Hull,  Sheffield,  and 
others.  When  the  Prince  of  Wales  was  ffl,  Brad- 
laogh  held  his  tongue.  Now  be  wouH  be  the 
rankest  of  all  cowards  to  keep  quiet,  especially  as 
he  had  been  told  that  he  dared  not  denounce'the 
Thankaghing,  that  no  one  would  listen  to  him. 
The  last  Thanksgiving  had  been  for  what  I  For 
George  the  Third's  recorery  from  lunacy,  and  God 
so  blessed  him  that  he  drove  him  mad!  Did 
people  realize  what  they  were  doing?  If  prayers 


154  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

had  restored  the  Prince  of  Wales,  why  had  not 
prayers  restored  Blogg,  his  groom  ?  What  of 
many  thousands  who  die  in  spite  of  prayers? 
And  what  becomes  of  doctors  and  surgeons'? 
Why  employ  them  at  all,  if  prayers  are  so  effica 
cious  1  And  what  is  it  of  which  we  should  be  so 
thankful  1  Is  this  man  great  in  science  ?  Is  he  a 
statesman?  Is  he  orator,  poet,  thinker,  author, 
hero-warrior?  Bradlaugh  did  not  speak  of  his 
last  autumn  manoeuvre,  or  of  his  shooting  at  San- 
dringham.  "  What  has  the  House  of  Hanover  done 
for  us,  but  make  our  taxes  fifteen  times  heavier 
than  they  were?  God  1  less  the  Prince  of  Wales  ! 
What  has  he  done  ?  We  won't  lie  even  by  acqui 
escence.  But  to-day  teaches  us  a  lesson.  It 
teaches  us  that  much  work  must  be  accomplished 
before  the  coming  of  the  republic.  It  makes  us 
realize  the  necessity  of  unending  struggle.  You 
cheer,  you  applaud,  but  I  say  that  most  of  us 
Republicans  are  only  in  quarantine,  and  I  would 
n't  give  all  of  you  —  even  you  —  a  clean  bill  of 
health."  When  Bradlaugh  sat  down,  he  was 
greeted  with  round  after  round  of  applause. 
When  he  rose  to  deny  the  newspaper  statement 
that  Sir  Charles  Dilke  had  been  present  at  St. 
Paul's,  the  cheering  broke  out  anew;  and  this 
reminds  me  that  when  the  boat  bearing  the  mem- 


SECOND  THOUGHTS  ABOUT  THANKSGIVING.  155 

bers  of  Parliament  to  St.  Paul's  left  Westminster 
Palace,  three  cheers  were  given  for  the  absent  Sir 
Charles. 

Judge  then  of  the  marvellous  unanimity  of  this 
people.  Judge  of  a  church  ceremony,  attended 
by  thirteen  thousand  persons,  costing  £13,000, 
: —  ,£1  per  head,  —  and  for  which  the  people  who 
were  not  admitted  are  to  be  taxed.  And  what  do 
the  Queen  and  her  son  in  commemoration  of  this 
recovery1?  Her  Majesty  gives  £  1,000  toward  the 
embellishment  of  St.  Paul's;  the  Prince  gives 
£  500.  The  poor  are  forgotten,  in  spite  of  those 
protestations  of  press  and  pulpit  some  weeks  ago, 
and  everybody  is  asked  to  follow  the  royal  ex 
ample.  "God  save  the  starving  poor!" 

So  much  for  the  most  monstrous  advertisement 
of  the  nineteenth  century. 


'&$%> 


REPUBLICANISM   IN   PARLIAMENT. 
UPROAR  IN  THE  HOUSE  OF  COMMONS. 

LONDON,  March  20,  1872. 

0  you  mean  to  say  that  you  are  going 
to  hear  that  dreadful  man,  Sir  Charles 
Dilke]  I  am  astonished.  Why,  he  is 
a  traitor !  He  has  assailed  the  Queen,  and  is 
doing  more  harm  than  any  man  in  England  !  If 
he  wants  to  attack  abuses,  why  does  n't  he  attack 
real  ones,  instead  of  bringing  up  a  motion  to  in 
vestigate  the  Civil  List  1 "  Thus  spake  a  lady  of 
high  degree,  but  without  effect.  Not  only  did  I 
go  to  hear  the  "  dreadful  man,"  but  upon  arriving 
at  the  House  of  Commons  yesterday,  at  four  o'clock, 
I  found  the  ladies'  gallery  filled,  and  the  Speak 
er's  gallery,  likewise  devoted  to  women,  was  not 
long  empty.  Ever  since  his  speech  at  Newcastle, 
Sir  Charles  Dilke  has  been  an  object  of  curiosity, 
if  not  of  interest,  to  women.  To  be  a  Republican 
in  England  is  to  be  very  brutal,  very  ugly,  very 


REPUBLICANISM  IN  PARLIAMENT.        157 

dirty,  and  very  poor.  At  least,  this  is  the  opinion 
prevalent  in  high  circles  ]  so  that  the  idea  of  a 
baronet  proclaiming  himself  anything  so  exceed 
ingly  outrageous  and  vulgar  sends  society  into 
spasms.  Nevertheless,  as  society  has  nothing  in 
the  world  to  do,  society  is  curious,  and  from  tho 
opening  of  Parliament  Sir  Charles  has  been  the 
lion  of  the  House  of  Commons.  He  is  the  mem 
ber  who  must  be  exhibited ;  and  one  lady  has  en 
joyed  no  little  notoriety  in  being  able  to  point 
out  the  monster,  and  to  state  that  she  actually 
knows  him  !  Such  was  the  temper  of  the  ladies' 
galleries  yesterday,  with  honorable  exceptions ; 
and  the  fair  dames  had  every  opportunity  of  grat 
ifying  their  curiosity,  as  Sir  Charles  was  early  in 
his  seat  on  the  front  row  below  the  gangway,  evi 
dently  absorbed  in  the  speech  he  was  to  deliver. 
Petition  after  petition  was  presented ;  notices 
were  given ;  Disraeli,  persistent  in  his  nagging, 
was  cheered  for  stating  that  after  Easter  he  should 
bring  under  the  consideration  of  the  House,  Eng 
land's  relations  with  the  United  States ;  Mr.  Bail- 
lie  Cochrane  (Tory)  wanted  to  know  something 
about  the  International  Society,  and,  as  usual, 
Mr.  Gladstone  "  could  not  answer  the  question 
without  notice "  ;  Lord  C.  J.  Hamilton  (Tory)  in 
dulged  in  a  personal  explanation ;  lords  came  in 


158  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

and  took  their  customary  seats ;  the  Strangers' 
Gallery  was  filled  to  overflowing ;  among  the  di 
plomatists  I  descried  General  Woodhull  and  Mr. 
Moran,  our  good-natured  and  most  efficient  Secre 
tary  of  Legation.  I  knew  that  General  Schenck 
was  somewhere  in  the  House,  ready  to  listen  most 
intently. 

As  the  hour  wore  on,  Sir  Charles  took  the  upper 
corner  scat  of  his  bench,  which  was  occupied  by 
James  White,  Auberon  Herbert,  W.  M.  Torrens, 
Sir  Henry  Hoare,  Henry  Fawcett,  and  one  or  two 
others.  After  the  last  question  hacl  been  put,  Sir 
Charles  removed  his  hat,  and  rose  to  bring  forward 
his  motion  on  the  Civil  List.  Then  began  the 
reign  of  pandemonium.  Viscount  Bury,  a  tall, 
florid  man  occupying  a  commanding  seat,  intro 
duced  an  unexpected  dramatic  effect  by  holding 
aloft  a  copy  of  the  oath  of  allegiance,  and  wanting 
to  know  whether  the  honorable  baronet,  having 
declared  himself  a  Republican,  was  not  guilty  of 
an  infringement  of  a  solemn  vow.  Auberon  Her 
bert  rose  to  order,  and  cheers,  followed  by  counter- 
cheers,  rang  through  the  House.  The  Speaker 
said  Lord  Bury  was  in  possession  of  the  House ; 
whereupon  the  irate  lord  wanted  to  know  whether, 
before  hearing  the  honorable  member  for  Chelsea, 
he  might  not  be  called  upon  to  repudiate  or 


REPUBLICANISM  IN  PARLIAMENT.        159 

acknowledge  his  republican  professions.  As  the 
Speaker  understands  his  business,  the  noble  lord 
was  told  that  it  is  no  part  of  the  Speaker's  duty 
to  say  what  is  or  what  is  not  consistent  with  the 
oath  ;  at  which  information  the  melodramatic  lord 
sat  down,  and  Sir  Charles  once  more  stood  up, 
cheered  at  first  by  his  friends,  but  those  cheers 
were  soon  drowned  in  a  Niagara  of  groans  pro 
ceeding  from  the  Conservative  side.  Such  howl 
ing  I  never  heard  out  of  a  menagerie.  I  thought 
I  was  in  a  den  of  wild  beasts ;  it  seemed  as  if  the 
inhabitants  of  the  Zoological  Gardens  had  suddenly 
been  let  loose  in  the  House  of  Commons.  The 
victim  for  whose  blood  these  wild  animals  ap 
peared  to  thirst,  did  not  once  expostulate  nor 
even  alter  his  position.  He  stood  with  his  hands 
behind  him  and  his  body  bent  forward,  —  an  atti 
tude  that  seems  to  be  characteristic,  and,  if  so,  is 
susceptible  of  improvement ;  for  a  speaker  is 
never  so  commanding  as  when  his  shoulders 
are  thrown  back  and  he  makes  use  of  every 
inch  of  his  stature.  As  even  Homer  has  been 
known  to  nod,  and  the  "Zoo"  to  be  hushed  in 
silence,  so  the  bullies  finally  ceased  from  howling, 
and  Sir  Charles  was  allowed  to  speak  to  a  slow, 
rumbling  accompaniment  of  voices  that  did  not 
prevent  his  being  heard.  Sir  Charles  has  a 


160  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

good  voice  and  a  distinct  utterance,  and  when  he 
has  acquired  the  art  of  being  colloquial  —  an  art 
which  is  known  to  Mr.  Gladstone,  but  which  is 
generally  ignored  in  this  country  —  he  will  make  a 
good  speaker. 

The  speech  was  nearly  two  hours  long ;  it  was 
statistical  from  beginning  to  end ;  it  was  intended 
to  be  nothing  else.  The  object  was  to  crowd  as 
many  facts  as  possible  into  a  certain  amount  of 
time. 

Not  one  irrelevant  word,  not  one  word  about  a 
republic.  The  Tories  were  sadly  disappointed  at 
the  prosaic  nature  of  the  speech,  and  Sir  Charles 
sat  down,  cheered  by  a  minority  of  friends,  howled 
at  by  the  representatives  of  the  "Zoo."  All 
through  his  speech  Mr.  Gladstone  and  Mr.  Lowe 
had  been  taking  notes;  and  from  the  attack  made 
upon  Sir  Charles  by  Mr.  Lowe  out  of  Parliament, 
and  his  intimation  that  he  would  dispose  of  the 
Chelsea  member  when  brought  face  to  face  with 
him  in  the  House,  everybody  supposed  that  the 
Chancellor  of  the  Exchequer  would  be  as  good  as 
his  word;  but  he  failed  to  realize  fond  expectations. 
Mr.  Lowe  kept  his  seat,  and  Mr.  Gladstone  rose  to 
reply.  Now,  everybody  here  knows  how  tenderly 
Mr.  Gladstone  treated  Sir  Charles  in  his  Greenwich 
address,  delivered  shortly  after  the  Newcastle 


REPUBLICANISM  IN  PARLIAMENT.        1G1 

bombshell.  But  Mr.  Gladstone  is  an  intellectual 
flea.  You  never  know  where  to  have  him ;  conse 
quently  it  never  surprises  the  initiated  to  see  the 
Prime  Minister  indulge  in  somersaults.  It  was  a 
singular  spectacle  to  behold  a  Liberal  Minister  re 
ceived  by  his  own  party  with  silence,  and  by  the 
opposition  with  uproarious  approbation.  He  had 
it  all  his  own  way,  and  took  advantage  of  the  hos 
tility  to  Dilke.  It  is  easy  for  a  man  like  Gladstone 
to  be  sarcastic,  to  make  telling  hits,  to  denounce. 
It  is  far  easier  to  be  brilliant  than  to  disprove 
facts;  consequently,  Mr.  Gladstone  indulged  in 
the  rhetoric  of  abuse.  He  tried  to  wither  Sir 
Charles  by  calling  him  an  "  instructor  of  the  peo 
ple,"  which  appellation  excited  derisive  laughter 
from  the  Tory  benches.  In  one  instance,  replying 
to  a  statement  made  by  Sir  Charles,  he  declared  it 
to  be  "one  of  the  most  wanton  errors  into  which 
a  member  of  Parliament  ever  fell."  But,  apart 
from  this  insulting  denial  of  a  single  charge,  Mr. 
Gladstone  in  no  sense  answered  Sir  Charles  Dilke. 
He  parried  with  "glittering  generalities."  He 
paid  a  warm  eulogy  to  the  Queen,  thus  insinuating 
that  Sir  Charles's  motion  was  a  personal  attack 
upon  her  Majesty.  He  declared  that  the  motion 
was  inseparably  connected  with  the  speech  at  New 
castle,  therefore  should  be  opposed,  and  he  sat  down 


162  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

after  earnestly  trusting  that  the  House  would 
meet  the  motion  with  a  negative  voice.  Of  course, 
the  House  was  only  too  ready  to  heed  Mr.  Glad 
stone's  invitation;  and  when  Auberon  Herbert 
rose  to  second  the  motion,  the  wild  animals  roared 
more  frightfully  than  ever.  Standing  like  patience 
on  a  monument,  the  radical  brother  of  the  Earl  of 
Carnarvon  showed  an  amount  of  pluck  that,  com 
bined  with  his  well-merited  popularity  as  a  thor 
ough  gentleman  and  genial  opponent,  should  have 
given  him  the  ear  of  the  House ;  but  England  is  a 
free  country,  and  therefore  will  not  tolerate  free 
speech.  Having  waited  in  vain  for  a  cessation  of 
hostilities,  Mr.  Herbert,  much  to  the  "  Zoo's  "  dis 
gust,  hit  upon  a  staccato  delivery  of  his  speech 
which  rendered  every  word  an  interjection  that 
was  heard  distinctly  by  the  reporters.  I !  (roar) 
shall !  (bellowing)  remain  !  (roar)  on  !  (divide)  my  ! 
(roar)  feet  !  (bellowing)  until !  (divide)  the !  (roar) 
honorable  !  (roar)  members  !  (bellowing)  go  !  (roar) 
to  !  (roar)  dinner !  (divide)  or !  (roar)  go !  (roar) 
to!  (roar)  bed!  (bellowing.)  The  Tower  of  Babel 
was  repeated,  confusion  was  worse  confounded ; 
but  through  it  all  Herbert  stood  manfully  to  his 
guns,  defending  his  friend  against  false  accusa 
tions.  What  could  be  done  with  such  an  oppo 
nent  1  Suddenly  the  opposition,  almost  to  a  man, 


REPUBLICANISM  IN  PARLIAMENT.        163 

rose,  and  left  the  House,  in  the  hope  that  their 
example  would  cause  the  House  to  be  reduced  to 
less  than  forty  members,  in  which  case  there  would 
not  be  a  quorum.  Those  who  remained  continued 
to  howl,  and  when  Herbert  declared  himself  to  be 
in  favor  of  a  republican  form  of  government,  the 
"  Zoo "  howled  furiously.  One  member  said  he 
did  not  think  there  were  forty  members  present,  and 
moved  that  the  House  be  counted.  Roars  of 
laughter  succeeded  this  sally  of  wit.  Herbert  sat 
down  until  the  House  was  counted.  There  being- 
more  than  forty  present,  he  resumed;  but  only  to 
be  again  and  again  subjected  to  the  same  inter 
ruption.  When  this  stratagem  ceased  to  be  novel, 
Lord  Cecil  Hamilton,  thinking  to  prevent  Herbert's 
speech  from  being  reported,  suddenly  called  atten 
tion  to  the  fact  that  there  were  strangers  in  the 
House,  —  which  meant  that  all  the  galleries,  even 
that  of  the  reporters',  were  to  be  cleared.  It  is  a 
fiction  that  nobody  assists  at  Parliamentary  de 
bates  ;  but  if  any  one  member  chooses  to  see 
spectators,  they  are  ordered  out  without  a  vote. 
We  women,  being  behind  a  grating,  were  not  dis 
turbed,  and  for  the  first  time  I  saw  an  advantage 
in  the  coop  devoted  to  our  sex.  Sitting  down  un 
til  the  last  stranger  had  turned  his  reluctant  back 
upon  the  House,  Herbert  once  more  returned  to 


164  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

the  charge,  interrupted,  however,  with  calls  to 
"  Divide,"  cries  of  "  Question,"  screams  of  "  Go  to 
bed,"  "  Put  on  your  nightcap,"  cat-calls  and  cock- 
crowings.  Had  sounds  from  the  dunghill  been 
supplemented  by  the  brayings  of  the  ass,  the  con 
cert  would  have  been  perfect.  I  saw  little  attempt 
by  the  Speaker  to  keep  order.  When  Mr.  Dodson 
rose  and  asked  whether  crowing  was  in  order,  the 
Speaker  made  bold  to  say  that  never  had  he  wit 
nessed  a  scene  that  had  given  him  such  pain.  Mr. 
Dillwyn  moved  an  adjournment,  on  the  ground 
that  reporters  were  not  present.  This  led  to  a 
division,  twenty-three  being  in  favor  of  adjourn 
ment  and  two  hundred  and  thirty-eight  against ; 
but  the  motion  had  the  effect  of  readmitting  both 
strangers  and  reporters.  Sir  Charles  replied  to 
certain  statements  made  by  Mr.  Gladstone,  main 
tained  that  no  portion  of  the  statement  on  which 
he  rested  his  case  had  been  disproved  by  the 
Prime  Minister,  adhered  to  that  statement,  and 
proposed  to  go  to  a  division,  however  few  members 
might  vote  for  him.  The  yeas  and  nays  were 
taken.  "The  nays  have  it,"  said  the  Speaker. 
"The  yeas  have  it,"  said  Sir  Charles.  "The  nays 
have  it,"  repeated  the  Speaker.  "  The  yeas  have 
it,"  replied  Sir  Charles ;  and  thus  the  division  was 
forced.  No  one  was  surprised  when  the  House 
returned  and  the  vote  was  read  :  — 


REPUBLICANISM  IN  PARLIAMENT.        165 

For  Sir  C.  Dilke's  motion        .         .         .     2 
Against 276 

Majority 274 

But  it  was  an  overthrow  worth  many  victories. 
The  charges  made  by  Sir  Charles  were  not  dis 
proved  ;  the  right  of  free  speech  was  denied  by 
Parliament ;  investigation  was  voted  down.  Mr. 
Liddell  hoped  that  the  scene  might  be  forgotten. 
The  people  will  not  forget  the  slightest  incident. 
They  will  remember  the  19th  of  March  longer  than 
will  suit  the  convenience  of  ministerial  memories, 
and  Republicans  will  have  reason  to  believe  that 
"  whom  the  gods  wish  to  destroy  they  first  make 
mad." 


AN   AFTER-DINNER   SPEECH. 


TOAST  :  UTHE  LADIES." 

HEN  one  of  England's  most  distinguished 
physicians  first  urged  me  to  return  thanks 
for  the  toast  last  given,  I  declined.  I 
never  had  done  such  a  thing,  and  thought  that  I 
never  could.  Then  I  remembered  that  to  the 
skillful  treatment  of  this  same  physician  I  owed 
the  restoration  of  that  "most  excellent  thing  in 
woman,"  a  voice,  which,  if  not  "  low  "  at  present, 
will  be  shortly ;  and  it  seemed  ungrateful  not  to 
make  some  slight  return  for  so  signal  a  service. 
The  claim  was  none  the  less  valid  for  being  in 
direct  ;  and  as  this  is  the  age  of  revolution,  as 
humanity  is  stronger  than  caste  or  sex,  as  Royalty 
shakes  hands  with  Democracy  by  acknowledging 
allegiance  to  the  republic,  of  letters,  I  asked  my 
self  why,  after  all,  women  should  not  be  heard  as 
well  as  seen  at  public  dinners.  It  is  true  that  an 
august  body  of  men  —  of  course  I  can  mean  none 


AN  AFTER-DINNER  SPEECH.  167 

other  than  the  House  of  Commons  —  quote  St. 
Paul  as  though  saints  were  their  perennial  guides, 
philosophers,  and  friends. ;  and  declare  that  women 
should  keep  silence,  conveniently  forgetting  that 
St.  Paul  is  addressing  the  women  of  Corinth,  ac 
cording  to  the  law  of  A.  D.  59  ;  that  elsewhere  he 
contradicts  himself;  and  that  the  proper  reading 
is,  "  Let  your  women  keep  silence  in  the  churches." 
If  honorable  M.  P.'s  persist  in  .proving  their  inti 
mate  acquaintance  with  Scripture  by  misquoting 
it  when  they  desire  to  keep  lovely  woman  in  her 
proper  sphere,  they  should  first  descry  strangers 
in  the  ladies'  gallery,  and  order  their  summary 
ejection.  But  now,  although  at  this  post-prandial 
hour  we  are  all  supposed  to  be  incapable  of  reason 
ing,  let  us  try  to  be  logical.  Women  sing  in  public, 
act  in  public,  read  in  public;  why,  then,  should  they 
not  speak  1  Why  should  it  be  considered  feminine 
for  a  woman  to  interpret  Shakespeare's  ideas,  and 
unfeminine  to  interpret  her  own,  —  provided  she 
has  any  ?  It  seems  to  me  that  if  public  speaking 
be  tolerated  at  all,  —  which  is  doubtful,  especially 
at  dinners,  —  it  should  be  from  the  lips  of  women, 
and  for  this  reason.  Ever  since  the  subsidence  of 
chaos,  men  have  been  talking.  For  six  thousand 
years,  at  least,  they  have,  to  use  an  Americanism, 
"  stumped  "  creation,  and  impressed  the  world  with 


108  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

their  views  on  all  subjects ;  but  as  there  is  as 
much  sex  in  mind  as  there  is  in  matter,  we  have 
seen  everything  in  profile.  Now,  an  artist  will 
tell  you  that  no  two  sides  of  the  same  face  are 
exactly  alike.  I  pray  you,  therefore,  let  us  have 
the  other  profile,  whereby  we  may  see  the  entire 
face,  gaze  into  telltale  eyes,  and  thus  get  at  the 
soul  of  all  things.  Taking  for  granted  all  that  is 
known  and  said  about  women,  they  ought  to  make 
more  attractive  speakers  than  men.  I  do  not 
think  they  are,  so  far ;  but  they  ought  to  be,  and 
these  are  my  data.  Women  are  born  more  grace 
ful  ;  they  have  the  great  gift  of  beauty  and  the 
great  privilege  of  dress.  Hence,  they  are  a  greater 
gratification  to  the  eye,  and  the  majority  of  people 
hear  with  their  eyes.  Women  are  more  impulsive, 
more  sympathetic,  more  persuasive  ;  therefore  are 
they  more  likely  to  touch  the  heart ;  and  when 
you  have  made  an  audience  feel,  half  the  battle  is 
won.  Pray,  who  does  the  greater  part  of  speaking 
in  private,  —  Mr.  or  Mrs.  Caudle  1  Were  I  a  man, 
I  should  hail  public  speaking  as  a  blessing  in  dis 
guise.  When  Vesuvius  is  in  a  state  of  eruption, 
^Etna  is  quiet.  Fluency  of  diction  is  a  desideratum 
in  speaking.  If  tradition  be  correct,  women  are 
not  lacking  in  this  requirement.  Indeed,  it  has 
been  seriously  questioned  whether  women  partake 


AN  AFTER-DINNER  SPEECH.  169 

of  celestial  joys,  for  the  reason  that  once  upon  a 
time  there  was  silence  in  heaven  for  the  space  of 
half  an  hour.  Then,  if  precedent  be  required, 
'women  can  trace  back  their  rights  in  this  respect 
much  further  than  men,  for  Eve  was  the  original 
orator.  It  is  to  her  persuasive  pleading  that  we 
owe  all  knowledge.  Miriam  was  among  the  first 
to  prophesy  ;  Deborah  was  elevated  to  the  dignity 
of  judge  of  Israel ;  Greek  oracles  proceeded  from 
the  lips  of  women;  and  the  greatest  orators  of 
Hellas  did  not  scorn  to  be  taught  their  art  by 
the  sex  they  regarded  with  contempt.  Socrates 
learned  rhetoric  from  Aspasia ;  and  it  was  to  their 
mother,  Cornelia,  that  the  Gracchi  owed  their  elo 
quence.  And,  if  modern  examples  are  asked  for, 
I  can  only  reply,  that  not  many  evenings  since  I 
heard  six  Englishwomen  —  the  majority  of  them 
young,  and  two  of  them  very  pretty  —  speak  at 
Hanover  Square  Rooms  in  a  manner  that  might  be 
imitated  with  advantage  by  the  gentlemen  in  the 
House  of  Commons,  who  recently  referred  to  them 
as  creatures  of  sentiment.  If  it  be  allowed,  then, 
that  women  may  speak  in  public,  it  seems  to  me 
no  more  than  just  that  one  of  my  sex  should  re 
turn  hearty  thanks  to  the  managing  committee  of 
this  dinner,  for  treating  them  as  though  they  were 
not  too  good  for  human  nature's  daily  food.  It 


170  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

is  useless  to  talk  of  the  equality  of  the  sexes,  so 
long  as  men  sit  down  to  turtle  soup  in  one  room, 
and  women  stand  up  to  tea  and  sandwiches  in  an 
other,  waiting  with  becoming  humility  for  admis 
sion  to  a  Barmecide  feast  of  reason  and  flow  of 
soul.  I  never  knew  a  woman  who  did  not  protest 
against  a  senseless  custom  which  deprives  public 
dinners  of  half  their  utility  as  well  as  all  their  bril 
liancy  ;  for,  as  the  object  of  these  dinners  is  the 
raising  of  money,  their  managers  show  little  dis 
cernment  in  ignoring  sisters  of  charity,  who,  in  my 
country,  are  as  effective  in  opening  the  purses 
as  they  are  in  touching  the  hearts  of  their  lay 
brothers. 

In  conclusion,  therefore,  and  in  the  name  of  the 
ladies,  I  thank  you  for  the  cordial  manner  in  which 
the  toast  has  been  proposed  and  received,  and 
trust  that  the  managing  committee  may  never 
regret  having  recognized  women  as  creatures  with 
appetites. 

FESTIVAL  OF  THE  LONDON  HOSPITAL  FOR  THROAT  DISEASES, 
WILLIS'S  ROOMS,  May,  1872. 


SPECIMEN  AMERICANS. 


EMS,  June  17,  1872. 

AM  asked  to  do  what  is  an  intolerable 
bore.  I  am  asked  to  sketch  my  European 
experiences  at  a  season  of  the  year  when 
the  very  word  "experiences"  sends  one's  mental 
thermometer  to  fever  heat,  and  from  the  hottest 
place  in  Germany,  where  writing  is  not  only  im 
possible,  but  strictly  prohibited  by  the  medical 
faculty.  Is  this  Christian]  Is  this  doing  unto 
others  as  one  would  wish  to  be  done  by  1  Were  I 
not  a  little  lower  than  the  angels,  I  should  answer 
as  briefly  and  as  obstinately  as  his  Holiness  the 
Pope,  —  Non  possumus ;  but  being  not  only  an 
angel  but  a  woman  ("and  therefore  incapable  of 
saying  *  no/ "  asserts  public  opinion),  I  promise, 
while  attempting  to  gratify  an  inhuman  request, 
to  be  as  inconsequent  as  Mrs.  Nickleby,  as  stupid 
as  Mrs.  Iladdles's  girl  Betsy,  as  sleepy  as  the  fat 
boy  Joe,  and  as  unintelligible  as  Flora  in  "  Little 
Dorrit."  Like  the  once  famous  President  of  the 


172  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

once  Confederate  States,  "  all  I  ask  is  to  be  let 
alone  "  ;  and  if  a  hapless  being  is  roused  in  her 
sleepy  lair  at  Ems,  the  consequences  of  an  act 
unparalleled  in  its  rashness  must  be  assumed. 
No  one  is  capable  of  an  idea  in  this  sleepy  hollow. 
Had  Rip  Van  Winkle  gone  to  sleep  here,  he  never 
would  have  waked.  If  in  the  dim  past  you  ever 
had  an  idea,  you  forget  it  on  arriving,  and  help 
lessly  turn  your  brain  out  to  grass  as  of  no  fur 
ther  use. 

I  am  requested  to  say  something  about  Amer 
icans  abroad.  Well,  I  am  sorry  to  make  the  con 
fession,  but  either  there  are  a  great  many  fools  in 
America,  or  all  the  fools  in  America  visit  Europe. 
I  have  not  yet  arrived  at  a  definite  conclusion  on 
the  subject,  for  truth  is  said  to  lie  in  a  well,  and  a 
great  deal  of  rope  is  required  to  get  at  it ;  but 
judging  from  the  fact  that  I  never  met  such  pecu 
liar  specimens  at  home  as  I  meet  or  hear  of 
abroad,  I  am  inclined  to  believe  that  a  large  pro 
portion  of  our  idiots  seek  an  asylum  on  this  side 
of  the  Atlantic.  Perhaps  this  is  the  retort  cour 
teous  we  make  to  Europe  for  sending  us  her  ad 
venturers,  thieves,  and  burglars.  If  this  be  so, 
Europe  has  a  decided  advantage,  for  whereas  her 
exports  steal  our  property  and  tarnish  our  good 
name,  the  American  exports  give  an  impetus  to 


SPECIMEN  AMERICANS.  173 

trade  by  throwing  away  their  own  money  in  a 
manner  that  would  astonish  Croesus.  Travelling 
on  the  Continent  is  rendered  wellnigh  insufferable 
on  account  of  a  folly  that  has  thoroughly  cor 
rupted  innkeepers,  servants,  and  tradesmen.  The 
mischief,  begun  years  ago  by  the  English,  has  been 
aggravated  to  a  pitch  beyond  which  human  en 
durance,  to  say  nothing  of  mortal  pockets,  can  no 
further  go.  Strangely  enough,  petroleum  and  our 
terrible  civil  war  are  the  principal  causes  of  this 
growing  evil.  All  the  "  shoddy,"  all  the  nouveaux 
riches,  rush  to  Europe  for  the  purpose  of  spending 
their  rapidly  acquired  and  frequently  ill-gotten 
fortunes,  and,  stupidly  imagining  that  fine  feathers 
make  fine  birds,  indulge  in  the  wildest  extravagance, 
to  the  intense  sat isfact ion  of  trade  and  the  disgust  of 
disinterested  common-sense.  Speak  English  upon 
entering  a  shop  on  the  Continent,  and  prices  are 
increased  one  third.  Let  it  be  known  that  you 
are  American,  and  they  are  doubled.  Not  long 
since  I  priced  a  trinket,  and,  speaking  French,  was 
supposed  by  the  illiterate  shopkeeper  to  be  a 
European.  Returning  the  next  day  with  the  de 
termination  of  purchasing  the  bawble  on  account 
of  its  cheapness,  I  found  a  Frenchman  examining 
it,  evidently  with  intent  to  buy.  Observing  that 
I  was  about  to  withdraw,  the  Frenchman  raised 


174  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

his  hat,  and,  making  a  profound  bow,  declared 
that  he  did  not  intend  to  purchase,  adding, 
"  Madame  est  Americaine.  C'est  le  pays  des 
richesses  et  des  jolies  femmes  "  ;  after  which  gen 
teel  impertinence  he  retired,  and  the  shopkeeper, 
forgetting  that  he  had  seen  me  before,  doubled 
the  price  of  the  desired  article  !  "  The  people  of 
the  Continent  are  very  fond  of  you  Americans,  be 
cause,  you  see,  you  are  all  rich,"  said  an  English 
woman  to  me  in  a  railway  carriage.  It  was  useless 
to  deny  the  soft  impeachment-,  as,  not  unlike  some 
of  her  countrymen  and  women,  she  had  arrived  at 
certain  conclusions,  and  no  mortal  argument  could 
induce  her  to  depart  from  them.  This  opinion  is 
not  without  foundation ;  for  what  think  you  of  a 
man  who,  upon  having  bills  presented  to  him,  no 
matter  by  whom,  extends  a  handful  of  gold  and 
requests  his  creditors  to  help  themselves]  This 
is  done  over  and  over  again.  The  folly  of  a  few 
is  the  curse  of  many.  Fancy  an  American  girl 
with  one  hundred  dresses,  an  allowance  of  two 
hundred  francs  a  month  for  bonbons,  and  bills  for 
gloves  amounting  to  hundreds  of  francs  !  So  con 
vinced  are  Europeans  of  our  inexhaustible  wealth, 
that  noblemen  see  in  American  girls  heiresses 
from  whom  to  obtain  the  means  of  repairing  for 
tunes  shattered  by  dissipation  or  gradual  decay. 


SPECIMEN  AMERICANS.  175 

They  offer  titles  for  gold,  believing  that  no  repub 
lican  woman  can  resist  a  coronet.  It  would  be 
funny,  were  it  not  disgusting,  to  note  how,  in  a 
garrison  town  like  Vienna,  aristocratic  officers  in 
search  of  large  incomes  flock  about  Americans,  as 
bees  buzz  about  flowers  from  which  they  hope  to 
extract  honey.  That  certain  girls  have  sold  them 
selves  for  titles  is  not  strange  when  their  previous 
lives  are  scrutinized,  as,  in  most  instances,  they 
have  been  educated  in  French  convents,  and  are 
no  more  American  than  the  Parisians  themselves. 
Nevertheless,  it  is  sad  that  such  things  should  be. 
From  these  examples  the  cynic  turns  upon  you, 
saying,  "  Look  at  your  republican  virtue  !  Look 
at  your  contempt  for  rank ! "  forgetting  the  mil 
lions  of  real  Americans  in  the  backslidings  of  a 
minority.  According  to  my  theory  —  and  prac 
tice—no  American  should  seek  introduction  to 
European  courts.  If  he  be  a  true  republican  he 
must  disbelieve  in  the  principle  of  caste,  and, 
therefore,  should  not  go  where  he  is  not  received 
upon  terms  of  equality.  If  Americans  are  pre 
sented  at  court  and  do  exhibit  a  weakness  for 
rank,  they  are  hypocrites,  and  deserve  to  be  de 
spised  by  Europeans  as  the  worst  of  flunkies.  A 
people  who  do  not  live  up  to  their  professions  of 
faith  merit  the  contempt  of  the  world. 


176  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

The  great  mistake  made  by  Europeans  is  judg 
ing  Americans  by  themselves.  Here  wealth  is 
confined  for  the  most  part  to  {he  aristocracy,  con 
sequently  those  who  travel  represent  a  much 
higher  average  of  social  culture  than  is  likely  to 
be  found  among  a  corresponding  number  of 
Americans.  The  vulgar  and  illiterate  of  other 
nations  —  unless  a  percentage  of  well-to-do  Eng 
lish  be  excepted  —  are  poor,  and  remain  at  home. 
The  same  class  of  people  among  us  are  often  the 
richest,  and  are  therefore  much  more  largely 
represented  abroad  than  our  aristocracy  of  intel 
lect  and  breeding.  In  fact,  the  best  Americans 
can  rarely  afford  to  make  a  journey  which  is 
yearly  becoming  more  and  more  expensive,  and 
which  demands  an  amount  of  time  that  workers 
are  not  able  to  give.  When  I  tell  English  people 
that  the  most  brilliant  women  I  know  never  leave 
their  quiet  New  England  homes,  they  exclaim, 
"  Why,  I  thought  all  Americans  travelled  !  "  As 
a  nation  we  do  travel  more  than  any  other,  but 
the  proportion  of  culture  is  less  than  among 
European  travellers.  Foreigners  make  no  such 
nice  distinctions.  A  hotel  on  the  Continent  will 
shelter,  at  one  time  during  the  season,  a  dozen 
Americans,  six  English,  three  Russians,  two 
French,  and  one  Prussian.  The  Russians,  Prus- 


SPECIMEN  AMERICANS.  177 

sians,  and  French  almost  invariably  belong  to  the 
nobility,  and  generally  inherit  good  breeding,  if 
they  do  not  brains.  Most  of  the  English  belong 
to  the  aristocracy  or  gentry ;  while  probably  nine 
out  of  the  dozen  Americans  are  persons  of  no 
distinction  whatever.  The  European  observer, 
especially  if  he  be  English,  picks  out  the  least 
attractive  of  our  people,  and  then  and  there  con 
cludes  that  Americans  arc  the  vulgarest  and  most 
ostentatious  of  people.  There  never  was  a  more 
unjust  criticism.  Take  the  same  class  in  any 
other  country,  —  exclusive  of  France  and  Italy, 
where  good  breeding  is  as  common  to  the  servant 
as  to  the  master,  —  and  the  Americans  will  be 
immeasurably  superior,  for  the  reason  that  we 
are  more  versatile,  have  seen  more  of  the  world, 
can  more  readily  adapt  ourselves  to  surroundings, 
—  either  good  or  bad,  —  and,  owing  to  universal 
education,  have  a  far  higher  average  of  intelli 
gence.  After  all,  the  marvel  is,  not  that  there  are 
so  many  uncouth  Americans,  but  that  there  are 
so  few.  The  greatest  proof  of  our  superiority  is 
that  the  roughest  man  will  not  be  lacking  in  the 
greatest  essential  of  civilization,  —  respect  for 
women.  The  breeding  of  the  Latin  races  is,  as  a 
rule,  skin  deep.  "Your  men  must  be  very 
chivalrous,"  said  a  clever  Englishman,  the  other 


178  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

day.  "I  happened  to  be  walking  recently  in  a 
German  town  during  a  heavy  rain,  when  a  gentle 
man  and  lady,  without  an  umbrella,  approached 
an  omnibus  that  was  about  to  start.  Seeing 
every  seat  occupied,  the  gentleman,  who  spoke 
German  perfectly  and  who  was  undoubtedly  of 
Teutonic  origin,  asked  whether  any  one  would 
kindly  give  up  his  seat  to  a  lady.  No  one  re 
plied,  no  one  moved.  '  Well,'  exclaimed  the  Ger 
man,  walking  off  indignantly,  '  it  is  very  evident 
that  there  is  no  American  among  you.'  He  has 
either  travelled  or  lived  in  America,"  said  the 
Englishman.  "  Or  married  an  American  woman," 
I  suggested.  That  American  men  should  extend 
civilities  in  public  conveyances  and  elsewhere  to 
unknown  women  strikes  Europeans  either  as  the 
height  of  gallantry  or  the  height  of  absurdity. 
It  depends  upon  the  individual's  estimate  of 
women. 


HEAT   AND   IMPUDENCE. 


EMS,  June  20,  1872. 

N  my  previous  letter  I  spoke  of  being 
sleepy;  at  this  present  moment  I  am 
both  sleepy  and  warm,  and  long  for  a 
return  to  the  original  costume  worn  before  that 
fall  which  has  resulted  unpleasantly  in  so  many 
ways,  obliging  us  to  know  something,  for  example, 
whether  it  agrees  with  us  or  not,  and  forcing  us 
women  quite  out  of  our  wits,  at  least  twice  a  year, 
in  our  search  for  clothes.  What  bliss  Heaven  will 
be !  There,  according  to  painters,  fashions  are  as 
everlasting  as  eternity ;  and  if  we  are  among  the 
select  few,  who,  like  Raphael's  angels,  finish  be 
hind  the  ears,  we  shall  be  bothered  with  nothing 
but  a  pair  of  wings.  However,  on  the  whole,  I  'd 
rather  there  were  a  little  more  of  me.  I  've  a 
weakness  for  drapery ;  and  it  would  be  a  great  bore 
to  wrap  one's  self  up  in  one's  dignity,  with  noth 
ing  but  intellect  to  fall  back  upon.  Then  I'm 
fond  of  singing ;  and  how  horrible  to  have  an  ear 


180  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

for  music  with  no  possible  means  of  cultivating 
it !  with  so  much  spare  time,  I  mean  spare  eter 
nity,  too  ! 

I  remarked  that  I  was  warm.  I  am,  and  all  the 
mind  I  possess,  that  has  not  become  gelatinous, 
dwells  fondly  upon  one  of  Sydney  Smith's  clever 
sayings.  By  the  way,  now  that  he  and  Tom  Hood 
and  Douglas  Jerrold  are  dead,  nobody  in  England 
says  anything  witty.  "  Very  high  and  low  tem 
perature,"  declares  Sydney  Smith,  "extinguishes 
all  human  sympathy  and  relations.  It  is  impos 
sible  to  feel  affection  beyond  seventy-eight  degrees 
or  below  twenty  degrees  of  Fahrenheit ;  human 
nature  is  too  solid  or  too  liquid  beyond  these 
limits.  Man  only  lives  to  shiver  or  perspire."  At 
present  I  am  too  liquid  to  feel.  My  only  sympa 
thy  is  with  the  brilliant  Englishman,  who,  writing 
from  the  House  of  Commons,  in  an  atmosphere 
scorchingly  hot  and  laden  with  the  shattered 
remains  of  a  murdered  Ballot  Bill  says,  "  I  am  so 
sick  of  the  links  and  fetters  of  civilized  life  that  it 
would  be  unsafe  to  trust  myself  to  the  chalybeate 
pools  of  a  German  Sylvan.  It  would  be  dangerous 
to  —  disrobe,  for  I  should  simply  take  to  the 
wooded  mountains,  and  reassert  the  original  dig 
nity  and  freedom  of  savage  life  !  "  What  must  be 
the  temperature  of  London,  when  a  sober  English- 


HEAT  AND  IMPUDENCE,  181 

man  waxes  desperate  3  Misfortunes  never  come 
singly.  I  've  added  to  the  horrors  of  my  situation 
by  upsetting  a  full  bottle  of  ink  on  an  immaculate 
floor  !  What  this  means  in  the  bill  I  shudder  — 
no,  I  can't  shudder  —  I  perspire  to  think.  I  've 
washed  it  up  with  my  best  handkerchief,  but  the 
"  damned  spot "  will  not  "  out,"  and,  like  the  stain 
on  Bluebeard's  key,  must  a  fearful  tale  unfold. 

"But  about  Americans  abroad."  Well,  in 
preaching  a  sermon  it  is  ^^seless  to  praise  the 
saints.  One  must  abuse  the  sinners  in  order  to 
draw  a  moral.  This  is  what  sinners  were  made 
for,  and  by  the  same  token,  sinners  must  be  the 
burden  of  my  letter.  "  Plus  on  aime  moins  on 
juge"  declares  Balzac ;  and  though  Balzac  has  told 
many  fearful  truth's,  it  seems  to  me  that  this  is 
but  a  half-truth,  many  lovers  and  all  critics  judg 
ing  most  severely  where  they  are  most  interested. 
If  I  did  not  sincerely  love  America,  the  actions  of 
its  people  would  be  as  indifferent  to  me  as  those 
of  other  countries  ;  it  is  because  I  desire  to  see 
our  Republic  as  much  respected  abroad  as  it  de 
serves,  that  I  am  keenly  alive  to  all  shortcomings. 
When  a  Frenchman  glares  impudently  at  a  woman, 
or  a  German  swallows  both  knife  and  fork  in  the 
process  of  eating,  or  an  Englishman  bullies  his  infe 
riors,  and  is  "  umble  "  in  the  presence  of  those 


182  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

above  him  in  rank,  I  am  disgusted,  but  not  per 
sonally  concerned.  Let  an  American  give  offence, 
and  I  feel  in  a  measure  responsible  for  his  conduct ; 
for  remember  that  our  nation  is  a  child,  in  fact 
is  but  just  born,  and  in  European  opinion  is  on 
trial.  As  the  prevailing  governments  of  the  Old 
World  are  more  or  less  despotic  and  thoroughly 
aristocratic,  they  look  with  no  love  upon  a  repub 
lic  whose  success  is  a  menace  to  divine  right  and 
the  degrading  spirit  of  caste.  Singularly  ignorant 
of  all  that  concerns  us,  not  thinking  it  worth  while 
to  study  either  people  or  institutions,  all  their  tra 
ditions  and  prejudices  are  against  us,  and  they  are 
only  too  happy  when  individual  examples  confirm 
previous  conclusions.  Therefore  it  is  important 
that  Americans  abroad  should  honorably  represent 
their  country.  Each  man  and  woman  is  a  bit  of 
the  Republic,  is  scanned  and  discussed  as  such, 
condemned  or  praised  as  such.  European  radicals, 
anxious  for  the  coming  of  the  universal  republic, 
look  to  us  for  practical  evidence  of  what  they  so 
earnestly  and  unselfishly  preach.  They  grow 
faint-hearted  upon  finding  folly  and  vice  combined 
with  a  total  indifference  to  the  propagation  of  the 
form  of  government  which  the  most  advanced 
minds  believe  to  be  best  for  humanity.  If 
Americans  abroad  fullv  realized  their  influence, 


HEAT  AND  IMPUDENCE.  183 

either  for  good  or  evil,  there  would  be  much  less 
cause  for  adverse  criticism  than  there  is  at  present. 
Many  come  over  for  the  purpose  of  what  is  ele 
gantly  termed  "  a  spree."  Out-Frenchifying  fast- 
Parisians,  they  do  everything  that  public  opinion 
restrains  them  from  doing  at  home,  and,  returning 
to  America  accomplished  in  little  but  vice,  graft 
French  manners  on  republican  principles,  with  bad 
results  to  the  tree  of  liberty.  Bear  in  mind  that  I 
am  dealing  with  our  sinners,  not  our  many  saints. 
The  men  go  all  lengths  ;  the  women  go  as  far 
as  they  dare,  sometimes  farther.  Paris  is  the 
chosen  rendezvous,  not  because  of  a  bright  sun 
and  many  works  of  art,  but  because  vice  and  folly 
need  not  be  sought.  They  come  without  bidding, 
and  stay  by  you  as  long  as  there  is  a  franc  left  in 
your  pocket. 

And  the  flattery  one  is  obliged  to  endure  in 
Paris  !  It  must  avail,  otherwise  it  would  not  be 
universal.  When  I  think  that  Americans  receive 
it  not  only  with  toleration  but  pleasure,  I  wonder 
what  has  come  over  the  people  since  the  landing 
of  the  Pilgrims.  If  a  Frenchwoman  smiles,  and 
compliments  Monsieur  on  the  shape  of  his  hand, 
Monsieur  is  so  charmed  with  her  bright  eyes  and 
pretty  lies  as  to  pay  any  amount  she  chooses  to 
ask  for  the  gloves.  The  amount  of  whipped  sylla- 


184  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

bub  administered  to  us  women  is  positively  ap 
palling  !  If  you  try  on  boots  you  are  overpowered 
with  eulogies  over  your  petit  pied.  The  more 
you  don't  like  the  boot,  and  the  more  the  shop 
keeper  wants  to  get  rid  of  it,  the  smaller  and 
more  beautiful  is  your  petit  pied.  Listen  to  the 
following  dialogue  between  myself  and  a  boot 
maker  :  — 

"  I  do  not  like  the  boot.     It  does  not  fit." 

"  Mais,  pardon,  madame,  it  exactly  suits  your 
little  foot." 

"  It  does  nothing  of  the  sort.  It  is  too  long  and 
narrow." 

"  On  the  contrary,  madame,  I  assure  you  that 
nothing  could  be  better.  Perhaps  it  is  a  trifle 
long,  but  your  foot  is  so  little  that  —  " 

"  I  repeat  that  the  boot  is  too  long  and  narrow." 

"  Pardon,  madame,  but  if  you  observe  closely 
you  will  see  that  your  little  foot  —  " 

"  Let  rne  hear  no  more  nonsense  about  my  little 
foot,  which  is  n't  little.  You  know  perfectly  well 
that  the  boot  does  not  fit ;  and  unless  you  show 
me  another  pair  I  shall  go  without  any." 

"  Bien,  madame,  on  the  whole  you  are  right.  I 
think  that  the  only  way  to  fit  you  properly  is  to 
take  your  measure." 

And   this  change  of  base   is  made,  without  a 


HEAT  AND  IMPUDENCE.  185 

blush,  in  the  coolest  possible  manner !  The  man 
lied  as  long  as  he  could,  and,  when  he  found  it 
impossible  to  get  rid  of  the  ready-made  boots,  told 
the  truth.  This  is  my  experience  in  everything. 
Send  for  a  woman  who  deals  in  lingerie,  and 
before  showing  you  what  you  desire,  she  will 
exhibit  Valenciennes  dresses  for  one  thousand 
francs,  you  knowing  that,  if  beaten  down  with  infi 
nite  labor,  she  will  take  six  hundred.  "  But  the 
collars,"  you  say,  impatiently.  "  In  one  moment, 
madame.  Here  is  a  lovely  fichu."  "  Not  to-day. 
The  collars."  "  Will  madame  please  cast  her  eye 
over  this  exquisite  bit  of  lace  1 "  "  The  collars." 
"Pardon,  madame;  but  gaze  upon  these  beauti 
fully  embroidered  handkerchiefs."  And  so  you 
will  be  politely  bullied  into  examining  everything 
that  you  do  not  want  or  ought  not  to  buy.  Find 
ing  it  useless  to  display  her  wares,  the  woman  at 
last  produces  the  collars,  which  are  not  pretty 
and  are  not  what  you  want.  She  employs  much 
rhetoric  to  make  you  believe  that  never  were  there 
such  beautiful  collars,  nor  collars  so  becoming. 
Eemain  obdurate,  and  the  wretched  creature  at 
last  says,  "  There  are  moments  when  my  selection 
of  collars  is  not  very  good ;  this  is  one  of  them. 
When  madame  returns  I  promise  to  suit  her 
exactly,  for  now  I  see  what  she  requires  !  "  Again 


186  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

not  a  blush,  and  the  woman  leaves  with  a  smile 
and  a  bland  bonjour.  There  are  people  who,  if 
not  fooled  into  buying,  receive  the  lies  with  per 
fect  equanimity.  It  may  be  unamiable,  but  I 
cannot ;  and  I  believe  that  fewer  Americans  would 
be  cheated  if  more  resented  the  attempts  in  this 
direction. 

Then  when  it  comes  to  dressmakers,  no  words 
can  describe  the  acting  that  takes  place.  If 
you  possess  good  points,  they  are  descanted  upon 
in  all  their  length,  breadth,  and  thickness. 
If  you  possess  none,  they  are  invented.  You 
are  a  model  for  a-  sculptor ;  you  are  distingnee 
beyond  princesses ;  you  have  eyes  beaming  with 
intelligence  \  you  are  so  spirituelle  as,  from 
sympathy,  to  furnish  wit  to  all  with  whom  you 
come  in  contact ;  you  are,  you  are,  you  are  — 
until  you  feel  like  presenting  a  pistol  at  their  long 
heads,  and  exclaiming,  "  Dead  silence  or  your  dead 
bodies  !  "  But,  as  I  remarked  before,  it  answers 
admirably  as  a  rule.  I  've  seen  women  accept  this 
adulation  with  delight,  and  as  a  consequence  order 
dresses  they  did  not  want  and  at  which  their  hus 
bands  growled.  Human  nature  is  excessively  frail, 
particularly  when  it  comes  to  Paris.  There  all 
your  weaknesses  break  out,  and,  like  the  measles, 
come  to  the  surface.  Many  saints  would  be  full- 


HEAT  AND   IMPUDENCE.  187 

grown  sinners  if  they  only  had  the  opportunity 
that  Paris  affords  for  the  development  of  latent 
capacities. 

To  return  to  dressmakers.  Americans  ruin  them 
by  paying  fabulous  amounts.  Because  clothes  at 
the  highest  prices  are  not,  on  acount  of  the  tariff, 
as  expensive  as  at  home.  American  women  rarely 
dispute  a  bill,  and  are  laughed  at  by  the  very  per 
sons  who  realize  enormous  profits  from  their  folly. 
For  six  perfectly  plain  underwaists,  worth  at  the 
most  six  francs  apiece,  and  for  two  similar  waists 
trimmed  with  lace,  worth  fifteen  francs  apiece,  I 
was  recently  charged  by  a  fashionable  modiste  one 
hundred  and  forty  francs  !  On  looking  at  the  bill 
I  murmured,  then  counted  out  the  money,  and 
was  about  to  pay  it  when  I  concluded  to  express 
my  indignation,  and  note  the  result.  It  was 
received  with  perfect  composure,  as  though  in  no 
way  surprising.  "  I  shall  not  pay  this  outrageous 
bill,"  I  declared.  "Very  well,"  quietly  rejoined  the 
enemy ;  "  when  madame  returns  she  will  make 
some  arrangement."  Is  not  this  dishonesty  enough 
to  spoil  Anglo-Saxon  tempers  1  It  is  quite  time 
for  me  to  return  to  America.  I  can't  make  mat 
ters  better,  and  they  make  me  much  worse.  But 
fancy  fighting  my  battles  o'er  again  in  the  present 
state  of  the  thermometer !  Into  what  apoplec 
tic  dangers  have  I  rushed  ! 


SOUR  GRAPES  AND  SNOBBERY. 


EMS,  June  25,  1872. 

DO  not  know  what  is  the  matter  with  the 
seasons,  but  they  seem  to  be  about   as 
undecided  in  their  action  as  the  Demo 
cratic  party  with  regard  to  a   Presidential  choice. 
Three  days  ago  we  were  simmering  in  the  heat  of 
a  midsummer  sun;  now  we  are  going  about   in 
thick  boots,  winter  clothing,  and  waterproofs,  with 
an  umbrella  in  one  hand  and  a  glass  of  lukewarm 
water  in  the  other,  contemplating  perpetual  show 
ers,  feeling  quite  as  damp  outside  as  we  are  inside, 
and  listening  to  dejected  strains  of  music,   that, 
under  the  circumstances,  may  be  called  liquid.     Is 
not   such   a   condition    of  things   unpardonable? 
We  come   to  the    warmest    springs  in   Germany, 
making  up  our  minds  to  be  broiled  on  St.  Law 
rence's  gridiron   if  necessary,   when,    lo  !    Nature 
gives   us  the    cold    shoulder,   and    throws   a   wet 
blanket  over  us !     Talk  of  the  fickleness  and  in- 


SOUR   GRAPES  AND  SNOBBERY.  189 

consistency  of  man  !  Talk  of  our  going  to  the 
book  of  Nature  for  inspiration  !  What  do  we 
read  there  but  the  most  glaring  inaccuracies,  made, 
apparently,  from  sheer  love  of  mischief  1  Having 
set  down  laws  for  the  ruling  of  the  world,  she 
deliberately  breaks  them,  and  leaves  us  poor  mor 
tals  in  a  mental  chaos.  She  tells  the  grain  and 
the  grapes  that  at  this  season  of  the  year  the  sun 
shall  shine  its  brightest ;  then,  covering  his  round 
face  with  a  thick  veil,  she  betakes  herself  to  weep, 
ing  and  wailing,  like  the  coquettish  siren  that  she 
is.  There  is  no  such  thing  as  climate.  Countries 
have  a  good  deal  of  weather,  such  as  it  is,  but 
climate  exists  nowhere  except  by  flashes;  and  if 
ever  you  leave  home  in  the  fond  hope  of  attaining 
the  unattainable,  you  will  get  —  what  you  de 
serve.  The  only  contented  people  stalking  about 
are  the  English,  one  of  whom  was  heard  to  observe 
that  the  constant  rain  reminded  him  of  home.  He 
carries  his  umbrella  with  the  air  of  one  having  au 
thority,  as  if  to  say,  "  What  I  do  not  know  about 
rain  is  not  worth  knowing."  "  And  you,  are  you 
conventional!"  asks  Mrs.  Campion's  adorer  in 
"Lothair."  "I  live  only  for  climate  and  the 
affections,"  replies  the  lady.  Was  there  ever  a 
more  horrible  sarcasm  than  this  of  Disraeli's  1  To 
live  only  for  the  two  things  one  never  realizes  ! 


190  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

"  Never,"  do  you  say  1  Yes,  never ;  and  to  prove 
the  statement,  take  the  report  of  those  who  best 
know  this  favored  region  of  the  Rhine.  They 
will  tell  you  that  out  of  every  ten  years  two  only 
are  expected  to  produce  fine  vintages.  Wines 
have  increased  in  value,  and  the  poor  drink  what 
by  any  other  name  would  be  more  sour.  When 
it  comes  to  the  affections,  are  they  not  a  failure 
quite  as  often  as  Rhine  wines]  There  are  vintages 
of  sour  grapes  unrecorded  in  the  annals  of  the 
wine  trade.  The  world  is  made  up  of  three  sorts 
of  people  :  those  who  are  disappointed  in  climate, 
those  who  are  disappointed  in  love,  and  those  who 
are  disappointed  in  both, —  a  mild  form  of  the  last 
being  an  epidemic. 

Rain  reminds  me  of  England ;  England  recalls 
snobs  ;  and  snobs  bring  me  back  to  our  old  subject 
of  Americans  abroad  ;  for  in  this  letter  I  shall 
deal  with  snobs.  But  before  I  forget,  let  me  tell 
you  of  four  young  men  whom  I  never  saw,  but,  as 
they  occupied  rooms  adjoining  mine  in  a  hotel, 
and  as  the  door  between  was  an  excellent  con 
ductor  of  sound,  I  could  not  avoid  overhearing 
their  remarks.  I  assume  that  they  were  young, 
because  the  vapid  conversation  suggested  veal. 
For  two  weeks  this  parti  carree  played  euchre 
every  night  till  the  small  hours,  and  very  fre- 


SOUR   GRAPES  AND  SNOBBERY.  191 

quently  during  the  day.  The  gambling  was  mild, 
and  the  wildest  imagination  could  not  conceive 
where  lay  the  fascination  of  the  game  when  Paris 
with  its  myriad  attractions  stood  outside ;  but  as 
it  takes  all  sorts  of  people  to  make  up  the  world, 
I  suppose  these  young  men  nobly  fulfil  their  mis 
sion.  On  the  last  night  of  their  stay  they  awaked 
to  the  fact  that  they  had  seen  nothing  of  Paris. 
"What  shall  we  say  when  we  get  home]"  asked 
one.  "  Well,  I  've  seen  the  Louvre,"  replied  No. 
2.  "  So  have  I,"  said  No.  3.  "  I  Ve  seen  the 
Triumphal  Arch, "  said  No.  4.  "So  have  I,  " 
chimed  in  No.  1.  "You  two  can  swell  on  the 
Louvre,  and  we  two  can  blow  on  the  Arch."  Of 
course,  this  is  incredible,  but  it  is  true.  What  a 
charming  spectacle  it  will  be  for  the  friends  of 
these  intelligent  young  men  to  assist  at  the  novel 
performance  of  swelling  and  blowing  !  Why  they 
came  to  Europe  I  cannot  imagine,  unless  they 
were  clerks  sent  over  to  make  purchases  for  their 
employers. 

The  only  snobs  in  the  world  are  English  and 
American.  The  word  is  purely  English,  and  has 
been  adopted  by  us  to  supply  a  limited  demand. 
That  such  monstrosities  as  snobs  should  arise  in  a 
republic  is  the  penalty  we  pay  for  being  Anglo- 
Saxon.  With  Anglo-Saxon  virtues  we  inherit 


192  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

Anglo-Saxon  vices,  that  break  out  in  degenerate 
specimens  of  the  American  race.  Where  there  is 
an  oligarchy,  as  in  England,  and  where  trade  is 
despised  as  the  unpardonable  sin,  —  unless  it  be 
rich  enough  to  retire  and  marry  into  the  nobil 
ity,  —  of  course  there  must  be  snobs  as  long  as 
human  nature  is  weak  enough  to  desire  to  be 
grander  than  it  is.  But  with  us,  snobbery  is  sub 
limely  ridiculous.  When  I  see  men  and  women 
who  never  had  any  grandfathers,  —  at  least  none 
worth  speaking  of,  —  who  rose  from  nothing,  and 
whose  elevation  is  due  to  the  institutions  of  our 
country,  —  when,  I  repeat,  I  see  such  people  going 
about  Europe  abusing  the  generous  hand  that  has 
uplifted  them,  declaring  that  there  is  too  much 
liberty  in  America,  that  the  people  (pray  who  arc 
they  but  the  people  1)  should  be  taught  their 
place,  that  we  need  a  strong  government  (like 
Napoleon's),  and  that  America  will  not  be  a  fit 
residence  for  ladies  and  gentlemen  until  we  have 
it,  I  think  of  serpents  warmed  into  life  only  to 
sting  their  benefactor.  Treachery  more  foul  is  not 
conceivable ;  yet  there  are  quite  a  number  of  such 
traitors,  —  so  many  as  to  have  often  been  quoted 
by  foreigners  in  proof  of  the  rottenness  of  democ 
racy;  so  many  as  to  have  caused  Sir  Charles 
Dilke,  in  his  admirable  book  of  travels  called 


SOUR   GRAPES  AND  SNOBBERY.  193 

"Greater  Britain/'  to  make  them  the  subject  of  an 
excoriating  paragraph.  "Many  American  men 
and  women,"  he  says,  "who  have  too  little  nobility 
of  soul  to  be  patriots,  and  too  little  understanding 
to  see  that  theirs  is  already,  in  many  points,  the 
master  country  of  the  globe,  come  to  you  and  be 
wail  the  fate  which  has  caused  them  to  be  born 
citizens  of  a  republic,  and  dwellers  in  a  country 
where  men  call  vices  by  their  names.  The  least 
educated  of  their  countrymen,  the  only  grossly 
vulgar  class  that  America  brings  forth,  they  fly 
to  Europe  'to  escape  democracy' and  pass  their 
lives  in  Paris,  Pau,  or  Nice,  living  libels  on  the 
country  they  are  believed  to  represent."  These 
are  the  Americans  who  were  Louis  Napoleon's 
warmest  partisans.  An  adventurer  himself,  Na 
poleon  received  all  Americans  who  could  open  his 
court  doors  with  a  golden  key.  Whether  they 
spoke  good  English  or  bad,  whether  they  were 
knaves  or  fools,  made  little  difference  to  the  hero 
of  Sedan,  so  long  as  they  spent  money  in  Paris, 
and  displayed  beauty  and  toilets  at  the  Tuil- 
eries.  "  I  would  give  half  my  fortune  to  see 
Louis  back  on  the  throne  of  France,"  said  an 
American  woman,  not  long  ago,  calling  the  ex- 
Emperor  "  Louis  "  in  order  to  prove  her  intimacy. 
This  style  of  American  is  so  frequently  found 


194  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

living  abroad,  that  I  was  more  grieved  than  sur 
prised  when  a  French  republican  said  to  me 
recently,  "  You  are  the  only  American  republican 
I  ever  met."  "  How  many  Americans  have  you 
met1?"  " A  dozen."  These  libels  cannot  exist  in 
America  because  they  are  libels ;  and  certainly  we 
are  well  rid  of  them  and  their  offspring,  who  are 
apt  to  possess  the  vices  of  both  hemispheres  and 
the  virtues  of  neither.  "  European  Americans  are 
a  bad  lot,"  exclaimed  an  Oxford  professor  not  long 
since.  "  They  do  neither  you  nor  me  any  credit.'' 
"  When  an  American  comes  to  us  from  the  United 
States,"  said  a  Cambridge  man  shortly  after,  "he 
is  likely  to  be  a  good  fellow  and  clever ;  but  when 
he  comes  from  Europe  he  is  a  poor  creature  and 
generally  a  snob  ;  he  tries  to  pass  for  an  English 
man  ;  and  one  man  was  awfully  cut  up  the  other 
day  when  I  told  him  that  I  knew  him  to  be  an 
American  by  his  accent.  He  was  trying  to  talk 
cockney ! " 

If  these  Transatlantic  snobs  only  knew  how 
they  are  despised  by  all  whose  opinion  is  worth 
having !  They  are  despised  by  the  very  persons 
who  repeat  their  remarks  derogatory  to  the  United 
States  ;  for  Europeans  know  the  difference  between 
gold  and  pinchbeck,  and  England  has  no  toleration 
for  republican  flunkies.  "  I  wish  you  'd  write 


SOUR   GRAPES  AND  SNOBBERY.  195 

about  a  certain  set  of  your  country  people  who 
come  to  England  and  court  our  aristocracy,"  said  a 
clever  Englishman  last  winter.  "  They  make  them 
selves  very  contemptible,  never  deigning  to  men 
tion  any  one  who  has  riot  a  handle  to  his  name, 
always  informing  you  of  the  grand  houses  to  which 
they  are  invited,  and  taking  good  care  to  display 
cards  upon  which  there  are  coronets.  They  im 
mediately  put  their  servants  in  livery,  and  get  up 
coats  of  arms  with  mottoes  in  Latin,  —  a  language 
that  half  of  them  do  not  understand.  There 
have  been  American  Ministers  here  who  were 
snobs  of  the  first  quality."  Think  of  being  told 
this,  not  by  one  person,  but  by  many  !  Elsewhere 
I  have  heard  similar  complaints  of  the  snobbish 
ness  of  American  officials  abroad.  This  is  intol 
erable  and  not  to  be  endured.  No  citizen  should 
receive  an  appointment  abroad  who  is  not  a 
radical  democrat  and  proof  against  rank,  the 
slightest  evidence  of  snobbishness  being  sufficient 
cause  for  removal  from  office.  What  private  indi 
viduals  do  eoncorns  themselves,  but  what  officials 
do  concerns  the  nation. 

On  the  whole,  the  women  are  greater  fools  than 
the  men  in  this  worship  of  rank,  which  is  rank 
worship,  for  the  reason,  perhaps,  that  women  are 
more  given  to  kneeling.  Frudhomme,  I  believe, 


196  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

has  said,  "  Les  grands  ne  nous  paraissent  grands 
que  parceque  nous  sommes  a  genoux"  "  I  became 
quite  disgusted  with  the  girls  on  our  steamer," 
confessed  a  young  American  who  crossed  the 
Atlantic  in  a  month  that  shall  be  nameless. 
"There  happened  to  be  on  board  the  son  of  an 
English  baronet ;  and  though  he  was  an  ordinary 
fellow,  not  half  as  nice  as  some  of  us,  the  girls 
vied  with  one  another  in  attracting  his  attention, 
leaving  us  out  in  the  cold."  This  is  a  fine  return 
for  the  respect  and  devotion  of  American  men ; 
always  excepting  advanced,  liberal  Englishmen, 
there  are  no  men  in  the  world  for  whom  our 
women  should  entertain  such  regard  as  for  Ameri 
cans.  Here,  on  the  Continent,  women  are  con 
sidered  inferiors  and  regard  themselves  in  that 
light;  in  Germany,  they  are  domestic  animals 
and  drudges  ;  among  the  Latin  races  they  are  in 
tended  to  minister  to  man's  pleasure,  nothing 
more.  It  is  only  the  exceptional  Frenchman  or 
Italian  who  believes  in  the  virtue  of  woman  ;  yet 
there  are  American  girls  who  prefer  foreign  men 
to  our  own,  and,  knowing,  if  they  choose  to  think, 
that  no  Frenchman  and  few  Englishmen  would 
marry  a  poor  American  girl,  actually  tie  them 
selves  for  life  to  men  whose  views  in  regard  to 
women  ought  to  be  thoroughly  revolting.  And 


SOUR   GRAPES  AND  SNOBBERY.  197 

by  marrying  foreigners,  they  actually  give  up 
American  citizenship  !  It  is  outrageous,  and  the 
law  ought  to  be  changed.  Still,  if  an  American 
woman  will  be  insane  enough  to  marry  a  Euro 
pean,  perhaps  it  is  well  that  she  should  take  the 
consequences. 

There  is  another  class  of  our  people  as  rabidly 
pro-American  as  the  other  is  anti-American. 
Everything  is  wrong  on  this  side  of  the  water. 
We  are  altogether  perfect ;  the  rest  of  creation  has 
nothing  to  teach  us.  No  people  but  ourselves  are 
fit  for  a  republic.  The  French  are  all  mad,  and 
Louis  Napoleon  was  good  -enough  for  them  ;  they 
are  thoroughly  corrupt  and  ought  to  be  exter 
minated.  The  art  of  Europe  is  unattractive.  No 
scenery  is  equal  to  our  own.  Of  the  two  ex 
tremes,  the  latter  is  preferable,  because  it  is  com 
patible  with  manliness ;  but  both  are  bad  enough. 
Europe  can  teach  us  much  if  we  are  sufficiently 
intelligent  to  learn  ;  but  neither  the  snob  nor  the 
spread-eagle  American  is  likely  to  benefit  his 
country  by  the  observations  he  makes  on  the  in 
stitutions  of  the  Old  World.  The  sooner  both 
types  are  educated  off  the  surface  of  the  earth,  the 
better  for  the  Republic. 

Of  the  many  hundreds  of  thoughtful  men  and 
women  I  say  nothing,  because  saints,  like  good 
wine,  need  no  bush. 


THE  GLORIOUS  FOURTH  AND  SO  FORTH. 


EMS,  July  6,  1872. 

|?  N  my  last  letter  I  pictured  to  a  sympa 
thetic  imagination  the  prospect  of  per 
petual  rain.  Well,  I  had  ordered  a  life- 


preserver,  and,  holding  a  banner  aloft  bearing  the 
strange  device,  Apres  moi  le  Deluge !  was  about 
to  take  to  the  river  in  a  row-boat  (the  Lalm  being 
less  moist  than  the  land),  when  that  distinguished 
foreigner,  the  Sun,  suddenly  appeared  and  turned 
the  tide  of  affairs.  That  this  change  should  have 
come  o'er  the  spirit  of  our  nightmare  on  the 
Fourth  of  July  was  a  compliment  to  the  Ameri 
can  colony  which  we  duly  appreciated  ;  and  when 
sixteen  of  us,  men  and  women,  sat  down  to  dinner 
in  a  pavilion  of  the  Hotel  d'Angleterre,  the  Amer 
ican  flag  floating  over  us,  we  concluded  that  out 
lines  might  have  fallen  in  less  pleasant  places. 

Our  dinner  was  pleasant,  and  though  our 
speeches,  recitations,  and  songs  were  impromptu, 
they  were  quite  as  bad  as  though  we  had  passed 


THE  GLORIOUS  FOURTH  AND  SO  FORTH.     199 

sleepless  nights  in  their  spontaneous  preparation. 
The  bill  of  fare  savored  of  American  soil. 

MENU  DU  4  JUILLET. 

Potage  re"publicain. 

POISSON. 

Saumon,  "  sauce  for  goose  and  gander." 

RELEVES. 
Filet  de  boeuf  garni  de  truffes  a  1'administration. 

LEGUMES. 
Choux  de  Philadclphie. 

ENTREES. 
Salmi  de  canards  a  la  Router.  —  Haricots  de  Chappaqua. 

Rons. 
Jeunes  poulets  a  la  Conference  de  la  Cinquieme  Avenue. 

Salade  de  Baltimore.   • 
Compotes  d'Horace  Greeley. 

ENTREMETS. 

Pouding  Monitor,  sauce  piquante. 

Glaces  au  Grant. 

DESSERT. 

Mr.  W.  J.  Florence,  our  genial  chairman,  made 
fitting  remarks  upon  "  The  Day  we  celebrate," 
and  read  regrets  from  high  and  mighty  potentates, 
that  were  received  with  applause.  As  these  let 
ters  are  very  characteristic,  I  have  taken  the 
trouble  to  copy  them.  They  give  a  better  idea  of 
their  writers  than  can  be  obtained  from  any  other 
source.  The  first  is  from  Kaiser  Wilhelm,  who  is 


200  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

now  visiting  Ems,  and  drinking  mineral  water 
with  as  much  pertinacity  as  though  subject  to  all 
the  ills  that  flesh  is  heir  to  :  — 

KURHAUS,  July  2,  1872. 

HERR  FLORENCE,  —  I  regret  exceedingly  that  I  can 
not  he  present  to-day  at  your  festival,  hut  as  I  am 
hurled  in  the  San  Juan  or  British  North  American 
houndary  question  (a  matter  which  concerns  you 
nearly),  I  must  necessarily  decline  the  honor. 

Being  umpire  in  the  houndary  affair,  you  will  at 
once  perceive  how  imperative  it  is  that  I  should  give 
my  whole  time  and  attention  to  it.  I  am,  with  assur 
ances  of  my  most  distinguished  consideration, 

WlLHELM   VON   Hc-HENZOLLERN. 

No.  2.  is  no  less  polite,  and,  owing  to  Mr.  Flor 
ence's  marvellous  knowledge  of  German,  the  senti 
ment  was  rendered  with  bewildering  effect :  — 

VIENNA,  July  2,  1872. 

HERZOG  FLORENCE,  —  The  invitation  to  attend  your 
Fourth  of  July  dinner  at  Ems  has  this  moment  heen 
handed  to  me  by  der  Hof- Marshal  Von  Lynderkypop- 
schafferhauseu.  Deeply  as  I  am  impressed  with  your 
kindness,  I  regret  exceedingly  that  affairs  of  a  most 
urgent  nature  demand  my  presence  at  the  capital.  I 
"  would  that  I  could  he  with  thee  in  fact,"  "  would  that 
I  could  he  with  thee  every  day  and  hour,"  as  your  com 
patriot  the  poet  —  Brigham  Young  —  so  touchingly  re 
marks  when  writing  an  encyclical  to  the  heads  of  his 
household. 


THE  GLORIOUS  FOURTH  AND  SO  FORTH     201 

I  send  the  following  sentiment,  which  lam  sure  will 
find  a  response  in  every  American  breast. 
An  gaspiel  shielpost  lagerbier, 
New  Yorker  staats  zietung  verhoftish, 
Verkoffstetic  hiern  schaffausen, 
Von  der  Rheinprovinciems  badwasser, 
Eisenbahn  surgroschen  ein  thalerof, 
Der  Wach  am  Rheim." 

Or,  as  you  would  say  in  your  own  noble  language, 
"  Lives  there  a  man  with  soul  so  dead, 
Who  never  to  himself  hath  said, 
*  This  is  my  own,  my  native  land '  V  " 

FRANZ  JOSEF  HAPSBURGER. 

Then  followed  this  friendly  note  from  the  hero 
of  Sedan,  over  which  we  wept  as  one  man  :  — 

CIIISLEHURST,  Monday,  July  1,  1872. 
CHER  AMI,  —  Present  my  compliments  to  your  as 
sembly  and  say  that  I  hoped  to  meet  the  American 
colony  in  Paris,  but  circumstances  over  which  I  have 
no  control  prevented  the  consummation  of  my  wishes. 
It  rains  in  England,  and  the  star  of  my  destiny  is  no 
longer  visible. 

The  courtesy  of  your  invitation  moves  me  to  tears, 
and  bitterly  do  I  lament  the  impossibility  of  visiting 
Germany  at  present.  Some  of  the  happiest  hours  of 
my  life  have  been  passed  there. 

Hoping  to  assist  at  your  festivities  next  year  in  Paris, 
and  waiting  for  something  to  "  turn  up," 
I  am,  tout  a  vous, 

NAPOLEON  III. 

A  MONSIEUR  W.  J.  FLORENCE,  Bad-Ems. 
9* 


202  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

Bcnedctti's  letter  of  regret  arrived  too  late  to  be 
read,  but  he  assured  us  all  that  during  his  last 
visit  to  Ems  his  "  cure  "  had  been  so  complete  as 
to  render  a  return  unadvisable.  Bismarck's  tele 
gram  was  received  with  the  soup,  and  read  thus  : 
"Not  well.  Sworn  to  attend  no  more  dinners. 
Bothered  by  the  Jesuits.  Either  they  '11  be  the 
death  of  me  or  I  '11  be  the  death  of  them.  Look 
out  for  them  in  America.  Breakers  ahead."  We 
had  reached  the  entrees  (canards)  when  two  notes 
were  placed  in  my  hands,  —  one  from  Arthur 
Helps,  and  the  other  from  Earl  Russell.  I  ab 
stained  from  then  making  them  public,  as  I  did 
not  wish  to  destroy  the  harmony  of  the  dinner. 

OSBOENE  HOUSE,  ISLE  OF  WIGHT,  July  1,  1872. 
By  order  of  her  Most  Gracious  Majesty  the  Queen, 
I  present  her  Most  Gracious  Majesty's  compliments  to 
the  American  colony  at  Ems,  and  state  that  her  Most 
Gracious  Majesty  never  attends  any  thanksgivings 
saving  such  as  are  held  in  her  honor  or  that  of  the 
royal  family.  As  the  entire  American  continent  was 
convulsed  with  sorrow  during  the  almost  fatal  illness 
of  his  Royal  Highness  the  Prince  of  Wales,  her  Most 
Gracious  Majesty  instructs  me  to  say  that  so  complete 
is  the  recovery  of  his  Royal  Highness  as  to  warrant  a 
return  to  all  those  sports  which  become  the  first  gentle 
man  in  England.  Thus,  while  visiting  Paris,  his  Royal 
Highness  showed  all  of  his  accustomed  public  spirit  by 


THE  GLORIOUS  FOURTH  AND  SO  FORTH.    203 

visiting  the  Jarclin  Mabille  and  doing  that  homage  to 
Mademoiselle  Schneider  which  she  so  well  merits, 
thereby  verifying  the  prediction  of  the  Dean  of  West 
minster,  that'  the  recovery  of  his  Royal  Highness  would 

be  a  blessing  to  Great  Britain. 

ARTHUR  HELPS. 

HOUSE  OF  LORDS,  WESTMINSTER,  July  2,  1872. 
LADIES  AND  GENTLEMEN,  —  Accept  my  thanks  for 
your  invitation  to  be  present  at  the  dinner  given  in 
honor  of  a  victory  over  England  gained  many  years 
ago  ;  but  as  I  am  very  busy  celebrating  England's  much 
more  recent  victory  over  America,  you  will,  if  you  pos 
sess  that  Yankee  acumen  for  which  the  House  of  Lords 
gives  you  credit,  appreciate  the  motive  that  detains  me 
in  London.  I  am  a  blunt  man  ;  permit  me,  therefore, 
to  recall  the  fact  that  your  Secretary  of  State,  Mr. 
Fish,  declared  that  "the  indirect  claims"  should  be 
settled  by  the  Geneva  arbitration,  and  not  in  advance 
by  England.  Again,  permit  me  to  recall  the  fact  of 
England's  determination  not  to  be  present  at  the 
Geneva  arbitration  if  payment  for  these  "indirect 
claims  "  were  not  disallowed.  My  persistence  in  keep 
ing  this  determination  before  our  vacillating  Ministry 
actually  obtained  an  official  note  from  the  United 
States  Minister  at  the  Court  of  St.  James,  in  which  we 
were  assured  that  the  United  States  would  waive  these 
preposterous  demands.  With  this  understanding  Eng 
land  goes  before  the  board  of  arbitration  at  Geneva  ; 
and  though  you  delude  your  souls  into  thinking  that 
because  the  arbitrators  ruled  out  the  "  indirect  claims  " 


204  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

America  has  triumphed,  be  good  enough  to  remember 
the  previous  drama  in  the  House  of  Lords,  without 
which  the  farce  at  Geneva  could  not  be  enacted.  What 
sort  of  a  figure  you  present  to  the  eyes  of  Europe  I 
know,  if  you  do  not ;  and  were  I  unfortunate  enough  to 
occupy  your  ignoble  position,  instead  of  indulging  in 
buncombe  over  the  past,  I  should  be  engaged  in  the 
more  appropriate  occupation  of  eating  "  umble  pie  "  in 
the  present.  Wishing  you  all  the  joy  you  can  extract 
from  the  day  you  celebrate, 

I  am  your  obedient  servant, 

RUSSELL. 

P.  S.  —  It  will  not  be  my  fault  if  the  Lords  do  not 
kill  that  beastly  Ballot  Bill.  The  less  England  imi 
tates  Yankee  notions  the  better. 

I  make  no  comment  on  these  letters.  They 
speak  for  themselves,  and  so  did  the  ladies,  Mr. 
Florence  calling  upon  Miss  K F to  re 
spond  to  the  toast  drunk  in  our  honor.  By  the 
way,  why  does  this  toast  always  conclude  festivities  1 
Because  women  will  have  the  last  word]  Miss 

F said  she  did  not  understand  why  she  should 

have  been  called  upon  when  there  was  present  the 
flower  of  American  comedy  (Mrs.  Florence,)  one 
who  had  faced  many  more  audiences  than  herself, 
unless  it  were  that  the  gallant  chairman  had  mag 
nanimously  determined  to  take  the  Field  against 
the  favorite.  In  concluding,  and  to  show  our 


THE  GLORIOUS  FOURTH  AND  SO  FORTH.     205 

good-will  to  a  nation  whose  defeat  we  were  that 

day  celebrating,  Miss  F proposed  the  toast  of 

"  England  and  America.     May  there  be  no  division 
but  the  Atlantic  between  them." 

Then  a  young  and  good-looking  Southerner, 
Mr.  H S ,  Jri,  recited  a  poem  to  every 
body's  satisfaction,  and  we  sang  patriotic  songs, 
adjourning  late  in  the  afternoon  to  witness  a  boat- 
race,  over  which  I  draw  the  American  flag  and  pre 
serve  a  discreet  silence.  As  many  of  us  wore  the 
national  colors,  the  Germans  glared  somewhat  fero 
ciously  at  first,  mistaking  us  for  French ;  but  the 
Anglo-American  language  soon  undeceived  them, 
and  they  examined  our  flag  hanging  over  the  river 
with  as  much  curiosity  as  Agassiz  would  examine 
a  new  fish.  Thus  wore  the  day  away,  and  every 
body  retired  in  his  sober  senses,  though  all  drank 
deep  of — Kraenchen. 

Not  a  drum  was  heard,  not  a  cannon  roared, 

No  "horses  ran  away ; 
But  we  did  our  "  level  best  "  abroad, 

To  celebrate  the  day. 

From  more  than  one  source  I  have  heard  how 
numbers  of  our  patriotic  countrymen  rushed  from 
Paris  a  few7  days  before  the  Fourth  in  order  to 
avoid  paying  fifty  francs  for  the  dinner  and  asso 
ciating  with  those  whom  they  were  pleased  to  con- 


20G  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

sider  plebeian  !  It  is  really  delightful  to  hear  that 
Americans  are  capable  of  economizing;  but  had  the 
motive  been  nobler,  one  might  be  inclined  to  hail 
this  "new  departure"  with  greater  enthusiasm. 
What  an  unpleasant  place  heaven  will  be  to  these 
superior  beings !  But  then;,  if,  as  we  are  assured, 
humility  be  the  passport,  they  will  never  get 
there.  I  wonder  what  Thomas  Jefferson  would 
say  to  an  American  who  thought  himself  too  good 
to  associate  with  a  countryman,  no  matter  of  what 
degree,  in  rejoicing  over  the  Declaration  of  Inde 
pendence.  The  man  or  woman  whose  social  posi 
tion  and  character  are  jeopardized,  or  whose  taste 
is  offended,  by  accidental  and  temporary  association 
with  such  ungodly  creatures  as  patriotic  American 
citizens  ought  to  have  been  born  a  flunky  in  Eng 
land. 


ROYALTY  EX  DESHABILLE. 


EMS,  July  12,  1872. 

DON'T  know  whether  it  be  the  effect  of 
beer  or  victory,  but  certainly  I  never  saw 
such  a  satisfied-looking  people  as  these 
Germans.  Their  complacency  is  absolutely  exas 
perating,  and  I  do  not  wonder  that  sanguine 
Frenchmen  are  driven  almost  wild  by  the  sight  of 
a  Prussian  helmet.  A  settled,  rock-of-ages  expres 
sion  about  their  faces  suggests  eternity  rather  than 
time,  and  to  associate  death  with  such  imperturba 
ble  life  seems  impossible.  The  Emperor  carries 
out  this  idea  of  everlasting  life  by  being  as  active 
at  seventy-five  as  many  men  are  at  fifty-five.  He 
is  sun,  moon,  and  stars  to  every  German  man,  wo 
man,  and  child  at  Ems.  I  have  given  great  offence 
to  one  woman  by  saying  that  he  looks  very  much 
like  other  men,  which  is  true  (a  Scotchman  here 
resembling  him  so  closely  as  to  be  called  "  the  Em 
peror  "),  and  have  excited  indignation  in  the  breast 


208  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

of  a  patriot  by  meekly  inquiring  about  the  Imperial 
income,  and  expressing  surprise  at  his  ignorance  of 
the  amount.  "  It  makes  no  difference  what  the 
Kaiser's  income  is,"  replied  the  irate  Prussian,  re 
senting  the  innocent  question  as  though  I  had 
accused  the  royal  family  of  highway  robbery. 
"A  few  millions  more  or  less,  and  what  odds'?" 
A  now  broom  sweeps  clean.  In  England^  there 
are  free-born  Britons  sufficiently  mean  in  spirit  to 
dwell  upon  "the  cost  of  royalty,"  and  even  to 
write  pamphlets  thereon ;  but  Prussians  are  so  sat 
isfied  with  the  brand-new  Empire  as  to  view  all 
questions  in  the  light  of  insults.  Before  1366, 
Germany  hated  Prussia  for  what  wa£  called  "  Ber 
lin  pride."  Now  she  has  gone  over  to  the  enemy, 
sweetly  oblivious  of  the  past.  If  you  ever  experi 
enced  the  wrath  of  a  boy  for  doubting  the  un 
equalled  beauty  of  his  first  pair  of  boots,  you  will 
have  an  accurate  idea  of  the  state  of  mind  into 
which  a  German  throws  himself  when  any  one  dares 
to  criticise  the  Vaterland  or  the  Hohenzollerns. 
Austrians,  however,  though  they  are  scrupulously 
polite  to  their  victorious  neighbors,  do  not  hesitate 
to  unbosom  themselves  before  disinterested  for 
eigners.  "  Bah !  you  can't  speak  to  a  Prussian 
officer  nowadays  ! "  exclaimed  a  Viennese  noble 
man  the  other  da}r.  "  They  weigh  twice  as  many 


ROYALTY  EN  DESHABILLE.  209 

pounds  as  they  weighed  before  they  whipped  the 
French.  They  go  about  with  an  insulting  air  of 
superiority,  as  though  they  were  invincible.  Nous 
verrons"  Half  of  this  hatred  is  due  to  jealousy  ; 
for  Austria  is  doomed,  and  not  many  years  hence 
her  German-speaking  peoples  will  be  absorbed  by 
the  great  and  advancing  Empire.  The  sooner  the 
better,  for  the  Hapsburghs  can  teach  nothing  but 
what  is  retrograde,  and  the  complete  union  of 
Germany  is  the  first  step  towards  the  Teutonic 
republic.  "  When  we  have  unity  of  peoples,  unity 
of  currency,  unity  of  laws,  and  unity  of  education, 
we  shall  be  ready  for  a  republic.  This  will  be  in 
about  fifty  years.  Meanwhile  we  are  content  with 
the  Empire.  It  is  doing  our  work  slowly  but 
surely."  So  recently  spoke  a  most  enlightened 
German  republican.  He  is  right ;  but  perhaps  the 
end  may  be  nearer  than  he  dreams.  The  world 
moves  more  rapidly  than  when  Galileo  made  his 
revolutionary  discovery.  I  am  quite  ready  to  pre 
dict  that,  whenever  this  good  time  comes,  the  Ho- 
henzollerns  will  yield  to  the  logic  of  events  with  the 
utmost  bonhommie,  retire  to  their  private  estates, 
taking  nothing  with  them  but  personal  property, 
and,  like  good  patriots,  offer  themselves  as  candi 
dates  to  a  democratic  congress.  Common-sense 
seems  to  be  the  ruling  characteristic  of  this  best 

N 


210  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

of  royal  families.  No  one  accuses  Wilhelm  of  pos 
sessing  great  ability ;  but  surely  the  man  who  dis 
covered  Bismarck,  and  who  follows  his  suggestions, 
must  appreciate  ability  in  others.  That  his  mind 
is  eminently  practical  shows  itself  constantly,  and 
that  he  dislikes  ostentation  is  proved  by  his  life  at 
Ems.  Dressed  quietly  in  a  suit  of  "  pepper  and 
salt,"  he  appears  among  the  people  accompanied 
by  a  single  member  of  the  Court,  drinks  his  water 
at  the  spring  like  everybody  else,  shakes  hands  with 
his  friends,  bows  to  all,  and  discourages  ceremony. 
"When  the  Kaiser  first  went  to  Ems,  he  sent  for  all 
the  physicians,  receiving  them  most  cordially,  and 
sitting  on  the  end  of  a  table  during  the  entire  in 
terview.  Upon  taking  leave  of  them,  he  said, 
"  Remember,  gentlemen,  that  when  you  meet  me 
you  are  not  to  know  me,  for  I  am  a  poor  man  and 
cannot  afford  to  buy  many  hats."  This  was  a 
polite  way  of  informing  the  gentlemen  that  it  was 
a  great  bore  for  him  to  return  salutations,  and 
that  he  had  rather  not  be  recognized.  No  phy 
sician  of  Ems  will  be  found  removing  his  hat  to 
the  Emperor.  His  reference  to  poverty  is  not  un- 
frequent.  Upon  the  birth  of  one  of  the  Crown 
Princess's  children,  a  courtier  with  whom  he 
chanced  to  be  walking  drew  the  Imperial  attention 
to  a  trinket,  remarking  that  it  would  be  a  suitable 


ROYALTY  EN  DESHABILLE.  211 

present  for  the  happy  mother.  "  Ah  !  no,"  replied 
the  cautious  Wilhelm,  "  that  would  be  a  bad  pre 
cedent  ;  for  if  my  daughter  goes  on  adding  to  her 
family  as  she  has  begun,  I  should  eventually  be 
ruined.  I  am  too  poor  for  such  extravagance." 
Not  long  ago  he  received  a  beautiful  gold  and 
silver  escritoire  as  a  token  of  gratitude  from  a 
wealthy  banker  whom  he  had  ennobled  for  largely 
endowing  a  hospital.  Gazing  at  the  superb  gift, 
Wilhelm  remarked,  "  My  subjects  are  better  off 
than  I  am.  I  cannot  afford  to  make  my  friends 
such  costly  presents ! "  Whether  the  Kaiser  is 
frugal  unto  closeness,  I  do  not  know,  but  that  he 
does  not  believe  himself  hedged  in  by  divinity  is 
certain.  "  I  dined  with  his  Majesty  yesterday," 
said  a  German,  whose  position  is  not  higher  than 
that  of  a  hotel  treasurer ;  "  he  is  very  frank  and 
friendly."  Fancy  Queen  Victoria  doing  this  sort 
of  thing !  Why,  she  lectures  the  Prince  and 
Princess  of  Wales  on  their  want  of  exclusiveness, 
and  tells  them  that  if  they  are  not  more  careful 
they  will  be  "as  common  as  her  cousins,  the 
Cambridges."  The  Kaiser  frequently  gives  dinners 
to  the  officers  stationed  near  or  visiting  here,  and, 
in  fact,  any  person  in  government  employ,  either 
civil  or  military,  is  eligible  to  this  distinction, 
which  is  considered  ample  compensation  for  ex- 


212  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

ceedingly  meagre  salaries.     How  these  people  can 
afford  to  live  at  all  is  a  mystery. 

The  Kaiser  is  very  like  his  photograph,  only  he 
is  not  quite  as  good  looking.  Erect  and  soldierly 
in  his  carriage,  portly  but  not  obese  in  figure,  he 
resembles  an  English  country  gentleman,  or  a 
solid,  shrewd  man  of  Boston.  What  his  chin 
lacks  in  force  his  head  makes  up  in  obstinacy, 
while  there  is  an  extreme  thickness  of  neck  and 
breadth  of  cerebellum  that  indicate  unusual  fight 
ing  proclivities  and  a  bull-dog  tenacity.  I  should 
say  that  it  would  be  difficult  topound  a  new  idea 
into  his  head  or  an  old  one  out.  J  I  have  no  doubt 
that  Monsieur  On  Bit  is  right  in  asserting  that 
Bismarck  has  much  difficulty  in  obtaining  the  Im 
perial  consent  to  many  necessary  changes,  that 
reforms  are  retarded  in  consequence,  and  that  the 
great  coup  against  the  Jesuits  has  been  the  work 
of  much  time  arid  endless  argument.  When  a 
man  does  not  become  king  until  he  is  sixty  years 
of  age,  nor  emperor  until  he  is  sixty -nine,  he  is 
likely  to  be  less  open  to  conviction  than  one  born 
in  the  purple  or  inheriting  a  crown  at  an  earlier 
period.  This  same  Monsieur  On  Dit  declares  that 
the  Crown  Prince  is  more  liberal  than  his  father, 
while  it  is  well  known  that  the  Empress  Augusta 
is  politically  far  in  advance  of  her  husband.  She 


ROYALTY  EN  DESHABILLE.  213 

it  was  who,  when  the  Imperial  crown  was  offered 
to  her  brother-in-law  in  1848,  begged  him  to  ac 
cept  it,  her  dream  of  a  great  German  Empire  even 
then  being  most  vivid.     "  Do  not  heed  her  !  "  cried 
the  Queen  on  her  knees  before  the  King.     "  Your 
acceptance  will  be  my  death."     "  Then  die !  "  ex 
claimed  the  indignant  Augusta.     "  Of  what  value 
is  your  life  to   Prussia,  —  you,   who   have  never 
given  birth  to  an  heir?"     Augusta  has  lived  to 
realize  her  ambition,  and  it  speaks  well  for  her  to 
know  that  she  is  interesting  herself  in  female  edu 
cation,  acknowledging  that  the  present  system  is 
by  no  means  adequate  to  the  requirements  of  Ger 
man  girls.     Her  last  enterprise  is  the   establish 
ment  at  Charlottenburg  of  the  Empress  Augusta 
Boarding  School  for  the  orphan  daughters  of  cler 
gymen   and  officers   who    died  in  the  last  wars. 
The  best  teachers  are  provided,  and  the  education 
is  to  be  gratuitous ;  but  in  order  to  secure  a  suffi 
cient  revenue  (here    comes   in   the   Hohenzollern 
shrewdness),  the  Empress  proposes  to  receive  into 
the  institution  a  certain  number  of  American  and 
English  girls  on  payment  of  sixty-six  guineas  an 
nually.     It   is  quite  possible  that   there  may  be 
American  families  residing  abroad  who  will  be  glad 
to  know  of  it,  although,  for  my  part,  I  'd  as  soon 
think  of  sending  a  girl  to  the  Cannibal  Islands  as 


214  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

educating  her  in  Europe.  No  amount  of  French 
and  German  compensates  for  the  absence  of  such 
an  English  education,  as  can  only  be  obtained  at 
home.  Female  mental  discipline  is  unknown  in 
Europe.  However,  that  the  Empress  should  inau 
gurate  a  new  era  in  Germany  is  one  of  the  signs 
of  the  times,  and  we  women  should  wish  her  God 
speed.  The  Empress's  interest  seems  to  be  uni 
versal.  When  visiting  Queen  Victoria  at  Windsor 
last  spring,  she  declared  that  her  first  day  in  Lon 
don  should  be  devoted  to  the  German  hospital. 
Her  examination  of  every  department  and  her 
knowledge  of  details  made  a  great  impression  on 
the  physician  who  escorted  her  through  the  wards, 
and  who  gave  me  an  account  of  the  reception.  I 
am  not  so  rabid  a  republican  but  I  can  say  a  good 
word  for  royalty  whe.n  deserving,  and  it  is  a  satis 
faction  to  know  that  the  German  Empire  owes  much 
to  women.  It  was  the  intelligent  influence  of  his 
mother,  a  Prussian  princess,  that  induced  the  King 
of  Bavaria  to  be  first  in  proclaiming  Wilhelm  Kai 
ser,  —  an  example  that  had  very  great  weight  with 
other  kingdoms  and  principalities.  So,  if  a  silly 
woman,  a  fashion-plate,  plunged  France  into  a  war 
with  Prussia,  as  many  who  were  behind  the  scenes 
assert,  two  sensible  women  did  much  to  found  a 
great  empire ;  and  even  the  fashion-plate  was  the 
cause  of  a  republic  ! 


THEATRE   ROYAL,   BERLIN. 


EMS,  July  15. 

i|S  I  am  a  spectator  in  the  Theatre  Royal, 
it  will  be  expected  of  me  to  tell  all  I 
hear  concerning  the  prominent  dramatis 
persona3.  I  have  not  much  faith  in  gossip,  for  I 
know  how  fond  little  people  are  of  maligning  big 
people ;  only  become  famous,  and  you  will  be 
credited  with  murder,  arson,  and  a  general  indif 
ference  to  all  laws,  human  or  divine  ;  but  it  really 
seems  as  though  there  were  much  truth  in  the 
report,  universal  throughout  Germany,  that  Mr. 
and  Mrs.  Kaiser  heartily  indorse  the  poet's  creed 
of  distance  lending  enchantment  to  the  view.  The 
old  dogma  of  matrimonial  unity  is  a  fallacy  among 
crowned  heads,  it  being  the  privilege  of  royalty  to 
join  cats  and  dogs,  and  fight  through  life  or  sepa 
rate  in  private,  provided  the  convenances  of  their 
station  are  preserved.  Considering  that  nobody  on 
the  Continent,  except  such  as  enjoy  abject  squalor, 


216  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

is  permitted  to  marry  for  love,  I  wonder  that  well- 
to-do  babies  are  not  born  without  hearts,  as,  under 
the  present  regime,  they  are  legally  unnecessary, 
and  illegally  cause  no  end  of  mischief.  There  is 
a  high  premium  paid  on  vice  in  these  grand  old 
countries  to  which  American  savages  come  for  im 
provement.  "  Love  whatever  woman  you  please," 
says  society  to  men,  "  provided  you  do  not  commit 
the  unpardonable  crime  of  marrying  below  your 
station  or  your  income."  "  Love  nobody  at  all,'' 
says  society  to  girls,  "until  your  parents  have 
married  you  to  the  proper  person ;  then  if  you 
are  very  discreet  and  make  no  scandal,  you  may 
satisfy  your  sentiment  sub  rosa."  Between  the 
two,  morality  goes  to  the  wall.  In  the  upper 
classes  the  young  men  are  roues,  the  married  men 
are  unfaithful,  the  young  girls  are  nonentities,  the 
married  women  are  unhappy,  or  untrue,  or  both. 
This  is  the  rule  ;  of  course  there  are  many  excep 
tions,  more,  perhaps,  than  ought  to  be  expected 
when  one  bears  in  mind  that  the  hero  and  heroine 
of  the  domestic  drama  are  not  consulted  with  re 
gard  to  the  very  difficult  parts  they  are  required 
to  play.  American  girls,  who  have  been  free  all 
their  lives,  enjoying  the  society  of  young  men,  and 
proving  that  friendship  between  the  sexes  is  not  a 
myth,  as  these  acute  Europeans  assert,  because  a 


THEATRE  ROYAL,   BERLIN.  217 

base  education  renders  them  incapable  of  it,  rebel 
at  European  manners.  A  young  girl  dare  not 
speak  to  a  man ;  and  as  for  walking  with  one,  why, 
her  reputation  would  be  gone  immediately,  even 
though  that  man  were  "  a  lean  and  slippered  pan 
taloon  "  in  the  respectable  guise  of  an  uncle.  She 
does  the  naive  until  the  day  of  her  marriage ;  the 
day  after  she  appears  as  a  woman  of  the  world, 
thorough  mistress  of  herself,  —  a  transformation 
so  miraculous  as  to  prove  beyond  doubt  that  the 
young  girl  is  as  much  an  actress  as  the  ingenue  of 
the  French  stage.  With  all  their  conventional 
proprieties,  these  girls  are  far  more  knowing  than 
the  independent  Americans,  and  are  as  little  to  be 
trusted  as  their  brothers.  Deprive  people  of  lib 
erty,  and  they  will  take  license.  "  I  hate  Europe," 
said  an  American  girl  the  other  day.  "  I  can't 
breathe  here.  Everything  is  improper.  When  I 
am  left  in  the  house  without  my  married  sister,  I 
can't  receive  any  gentleman  for  fear  of  scandal ;  for 
if  the  least  suspicion  is  hinted,  you  are  regarded 
with  as  little  respect  as  the  most  degraded.  Fancy 
my  not  being  able  to  see  a  dear  old  friend  this 
morning  because  I  was  alone  !  He  had  important 
intelligence  to  communicate,  but  did  not  dare  to 
come  up.  The  servants  would  have  been  the  first 
to  pull  me  to  pieces  had  I  received  him ;  yet  were 
10 


218  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

I  a  married  woman  I  might  entertain  every  man 
of  my  acquaintance,  and  flirt  with  other  women's 
husbands  without  comment.  I  'm  sick  of  it  and 
want  to  go  home."  In  walking,  the  young  girl 
must  always  be  accompanied  by  a  petticoat  of 
some  description.  It  may  be  attached  to  the 
most  worthless  of  hirelings,  as  many  of  the  maids 
prove  themselves  to  be  ;  but  with  this  society  does 
not  concern  itself.  The  only  point  insisted  upon 
is,  that  girls  shall  not  appear  alone  in  public. 
Don't  you  see  what  great  advantages  are  gained 
by  constant  association  with  ignorant,  supersti 
tious,  and  frequently  immoral  servants?  If  you 
do  not,  Europe  does.  But  a  nos  Kaisers. 

They  say  that  the  Emperor  when  young  was 
deeply  enamored  of  one  quite  worthy  of  him  in 
station,  but  that  his  father  insisted  upon  his  mar 
rying  the  present  Empress,  between  whom  and 
himself  there  was  little  sympathy,  and  with  whom 
he  has  had  nothing  more  than  a  speaking  acquaint 
ance  for  twenty-five  years !  They  say  that  Au 
gusta  is  very  proud,  domineering,  and  rigid  in 
matters  of  etiquette,  whereas  the  Emperor  hates 
form  of  every  kind ;  but,  then,  again,  I  heard  one 
of  the  Empress's  former  ladies  of  honor  declare  her 
to  be  most  amiable  and  kind.  The  woman  always 
receives  the  most  abuse :  but  I  believe  that  in  matri- 


THEATRE  ROYAL,  BERLIN.  219 

monial  disagreements  both  parties  are  to  blame. 
I  have  always  felt  convinced  that  if  the  shade  of 
the  typical  virago,  Xantippe,  could  only  rap  out 
her  experience  with  her  husband,  Socrates  the 
married  man  would  not  be  as  faultless  as  Socrates 
the  philosopher.  Philosophers  are  unpleasant  to 
have  in  the  house.  They  always  forget  to  market, 
never  take  their  meals  regularly,  never  comb  their 
hair,  never  buy  a  new  suit  of  clothes,  always  wear 
shocking  bad  hats,  never  button  their  gloves,  and 
are  so  engrossed  in  improving  the  human  race  as 
never  to  pay  any  attention  to  the  individual  speci 
mens  about  them.  Last,  but  worst  sin  of  all, 
they  never  notice  what  a  woman  has  on  !  If  this 
is  not  enough  to  ruin  the  female  temper,  what  is  1 
Do  you  suppose  that  Socrates  would  appreciate 
one  of  Fanet  and  Beer's  exquisite  dresses'?  No, 
indeed.  I  dare  say  he  was  constantly  offending 
Xantippe's  taste.  But  once  more  to  take  up  the 
thread  of  the  Hohenzollerns.  They  say  that  the 
Emperor's  greatest  grievance  against  the  Empress 
is  her  desire  to  meddle  with  politics,  and  this  on 
dit  is  probably  true.  The  last  person  from  whom 
an  obstinate  man  will  receive  advice  is  his  wife ; 
and  if  it  be  difficult  for  Bismarck  to  impress  the 
Imperial  mind,  —  Bismarck,  the  maker  of  an  Em 
pire,  —  how  thoroughly  unpalatable  must  be  any 


220  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

attempt  of  the  Empress  to  rule,  especially  when 
she  is  more  radically  inclined  than  the  Kaiser. 
From  cursory  observation  of  the  Empress's  face,  I 
should  say  that  she  had  will  and  little  tact ;  that 
she  went  direct  to  whatever  point  she  wished  to 
gain.  This  is  n't  the  way  to  accomplish  your  end 
with  obstinate  men ;  and  I  fancy  that  if  Augusta 
were  French,  she  would  be  a  power  behind  the 
throne.  I  have  no  doubt  that  fascinating  women 
have  obtained,  and  can  still  obtain,  great  sway 
over  the  Emperor ;  for  though  he  possesses  a  solid 
foundation  of  sense,  he  is  thoroughly  German,  and 
a  German  has  no  respect  for  a  woman's  head. 
For  a  woman  to  make  a  direct  attack  upon  his 
reason  is  suicide.  Let  her  appeal  to  his  heart  and 
eye,  and  he  yields  without  knowing  it.  I  confess 
that  I  feel  sorry  for  the  Empress.  It  certainly  is 
not  her  business  to  usurp  the  authority  of  her 
husband,  but  perpetual  suppression  must  be  fear 
fully  tantalizing  to  a  person  in  her  position.  A 
woman  without  tact  should  die.  The  only  female 
diplomacy  now  tolerated  is  that  of  consummate 
acting.  Did  the  Empress  Augusta  depend  upon 
acting  for  a  living,  I  fear  that  she  would  starve  in 
a  week. 

The  other  day  there  passed  through  the  street 
a  man  bearing  upon  his  head  plaster  busts  of  the 


THEATRE  ROYAL,  BERLIN.  221 

Emperor  and  Empress,  the  Crown  Prince  and 
Crown  Princess.  In  order  to  keep  the  first  two 
face  to  face,  one  rope  was  tied  around  both  necks. 
Fritz  and  his  wife  seemed  to  require  no  such  pre 
caution,  and  I  thought  this  somewhat  significant. 
Busts  may  be  tied  together  with  impunity,  not 
people  ;  so,  when  the  Emperor  visits  one  watering- 
place,  the  Empress  visits  another.  While  Monsieur 
takes  the  "  cure  "  here,  Madame  resides  a,t  Coblentz 
in  an  exceedingly  comfortable  palace  on  the  Rhine, 
the  windows  of  which  command  a  fine  view  of  the 
picturesque  fortress  of  Ehrenbreitstein.  It  was  to 
this  palace  that  she  once  retired  for  six  months. 
But  all  the  proprieties  of  state  are  maintained. 
Now  it  is  the  Emperor  who  drives  to  Coblentz  for 
the  purpose  of  dining  with  his  royal  spouse,  and 
then  it  is  the  Empress  who  comes  to  Ems  to  dine 
at  the  Kurhaus.  Only  a  few  minutes  ago  I  saw 
the  Empress  drive  off  in  a  quiet  coupe  drawn  by  a 
pair  of  fine  black  horses.  The  footman  was  over 
powering  in  his  rigidity.  As  he  stood  by  the  door 
to  receive  orders,  you  knew  without  being  told 
that  royalty  sat  within.  You  sniffed  a  superior 
being  in  the  air;  everybody  stopped  and  gazed; 
men  and  women  at  the  spring  forgot  to  sip  their 
water ;  the  Emperor's  chamberlain  fluttered  about 
in  white  pantaloons,  dress-coat,  and  no  end  of 


222  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

orders, — a  queer  dress  for  an  Imperial  dinner, 
was  it  not?  —  the  Empress  shrank  back  in  her 
carriage,  bowing,  yet  trying  to  escape  observation  ; 
and  not  until  she  drove  off  did  the  phlegmatic 
Germans  return  to  their  normal  condition. 
Augusta  is  a  dark-haired,  dark-eyed,  well-pre 
served  woman,  of  erect  carriage,  who  seems  to  be 
much  younger  than  her  husband.  I  did  not  envy 
her  as  she  passed.  A  woman  accompanied  to  her 
carriage  by  a  loving  husband  is  a  much  pleasanter 
spectacle  than  an  empress  escorted  by  a  fawning 
courtier.  A  stupid  populace  gape  at  the  latter, 
and  consider  the  former  unworthy  of  notice ;  yet, 
among  European  aristocracy,  one  sight  is  as  rare 
as  the  other.  It  is  their  inestimable  privilege  to 
pay  servants  for  such  attentions  as  with  us  are 
rendered  by  love  or  friendship. 


Vjg^Ffj^ 


AMERICAN   FOLLY. 


HOTEL  CHATHAM,  PARIS,  August  1,  1872. 
OW  that  I  arn  where  Americans  most  do 
congregate,  the  echo  of  howls  of  disgust 
assails  my  ears.  Any  one  who  dares  to 
tell  the  truth  must,  as  Mrs.  Gamp  remarks,  "take 
the  consequences  of  the  situation."  That  I  have 
told  the  truth  concerning  Americans  abroad  is 
shown  by  these  demonstrations  of  disapprobation  ; 
for  when  caps  do  not  fit,  and  shoes  do  not  pinch, 
howls  and  shrieks  are  conspicuous  by  their  ab 
sence.  Nothing  convinced  me  of  the  basis  of  fact 
upon  which  Mrs.  Trollope  and  Dickens  founded 
their  American  books  so  much  as  the  rage  excited 
by  them.  It  is  the  guilty  who  are  always  most 
blatant  in  the  assumption  of  virtue.  Innocence 
rarely  acts  on  the  defensive. 

Judging  by  the  way  I  am  attacked,  one  would 
suppose  that  I  hated  Americans,  and  considered 
all  of  them  snobs  !  Because  you  convict  a  thief 


224  AMERICANS  ABROAD: 

of  stealing  spoons,    all   the  world   steals    spoons. 
The  deduction  is  logical.     But  since  the   outcry, 
I  am  still    more    persuaded   of  the    necessity  of 
those  mirrors  which,  held  up  to  nature,  cause  us 
to  see  ourselves  as  others  see  us.     Unless  one  be 
a  downright  fool,  no  medicine  is  more  beneficial  in 
its  results.     Why,  I  have  been  mild  in  my  cen 
sure,  and    feeble    in    illustration,  considering  the 
countless  facts  to  draw  from.     Paris  alone  would 
furnish  sufficient  material  for  a  sensational  book. 
People    talk  about  the  delights  of  society  here  ; 
but  I  fail  to  appreciate  them,  as  I  fail  to  appreciate 
the  delights   of  the  winter  colony  at  Nice.     All 
colonies  within  foreign  towns  savor  more  or  less  of 
Little   Peddlington.     Of  course,    there  are    some 
charming  people,  but  as  a  rule   society  is  cut   up 
into   cliques.     Everybody  is  so   uncertain    of  his 
own    position    as   to    be    extremely  suspicious    of 
everybody  else.     Shoddy    does  its    best  to  make 
wealth   the  standard ;  and    because  money  buys 
flunkies  and  the  first  floors  of  hotels,  it  frequently 
succeeds.     Life  is  made  a  burden  to  you  by  the 
perpetual  exhibition  of  such  jealousy,  envy,  malice, 
and  all   uncharitablcness   as   only  idle  men  and 
women  can  afford  to  indulge  in.      Besides  small 
cliques,  these  model  colonies  are  generally  divided 
into  two  parties   arrayed  against   each  other,   in 


AMERICAN  FOLLY.  225 

comparison  with  which  the  wars  of  the  Bianchi 
and  Neri,  the  Guelphs  and  Ghibelines,  the  Colonna 
and  Orsini,  hide  their  diminished  heads.  On  your 
advent  you  are  seized  upon  by  partisans  of  both 
houses,  who  pour  into  your  ears  tales  that  would 
not  only  cause  the  quills  of  the  fretful  porcupine 
to  stand  on  end,  but  would  aggravate  his  fretful- 
ness  to  the  verge  of  manslaughter.  You  are 
bullied  and  badgered  into  giving  an  opinion,  and 
enrolled  upon  whichever  side  you  least  disapprove. 
Woe  be  unto  you  if  you  preserve  an  armed  neu 
trality  !  Then  you  are  cordially  detested  by  both 
armies.  And  woe  be  unto  you  if,  after  giving  in 
your  adhesion  to  the  Colonna,  you  are  found  hob 
nobbing  with  the  Orsini !  This  is  the  unpardon 
able  sin.  Can  you  conceive  of  anything  more 
ridiculously  childish  than  such  a  condition  of 
things  ?-  It  seoms  incredible  until  you  have 
assisted  at  the  spectacle,  after  which  you  are 
plunged  in  melancholy  at  the  littleness  of  certain 
men  and  women.  We  laugh  when  we  read  in 
"The  Corsican  Brothers"  of  many  lives  being  lost 
between  two  factions,  because  one  side  wrings  the 
neck  of  a  chicken  belonging  to  the  other.  We 
think  that  we  are  not  as  Corsicans  are,  and  stroke 
ourselves  with  satisfaction  and  becoming  humility. 
Our  colonies  do  not  wring  the  necks  of  chick- 
10*  o 


22G  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

ens,  but  I  have  yet  to  be  told  that  their  wars  are 
inspired  by  motives  more  exalted.  One  colony 
was  convulsed  to  its  centre  last  winter  because  a 
lady,  while  dancing  a  quadrille,  refused  to  give  her 
hand  to  another  lady  in  the  same  set.  Of  course, 
the  slight  was  exceedingly  ill-bred ;  but  humanity 
has  very  little  to  do  when  it  converts  into  a  gen 
eral  feud  what  is  really  beneath  contempt.  In 
many  instances,  living  in  Europe  renders  Ameri 
cans  very  narrow,  very  selfish,  and  very  unpatri 
otic.  Existence  consists  of  a  perpetual  round  of 
pleasure-seeking.  To  be  in  certain  capitals  and 
watering-places  during  the  season,  to  dress  or 
attempt  to  dress  better  than  any  one  else,  are  the 
chief  ends  of  men  and  women.  What  befalls 
America  is  of  no  consequence  as  long  as  they  re 
ceive  their  dividends.  The  folly  of  some  of  the 
women  absolutely  passes  all  understanding,  and 
the  last  instance  I  have  heard  of  makes  me  blush 
for  my  country.  Fancy  a  mother  who  thinks  it  a 
greater  "  catch  "  for  her  daughter  to  marry  a  Prus 
sian  officer  than  to  marry  an  American.  "  Well, 
you  see,  he  is  a  nobleman,"  argues  the  mother  to 
an  indignant  friend.  "  Suppose  he  is  noble,  what 
then  1  Is  he  not  poor  and  a  foreigner  1  Would 
he  marry  your  daughter  if  she  were  not  rich  1 " 
"  No,  it  is  against  the  law.  All  Prussian  officers 


AMERICAN  FOLLY.  227 

must  marry  women  with  money."  "  And  you  en 
courage  your  daughter  to  give  up  her  country,  to 
leave  her  home,  for  the  purpose  of  marrying  a 
man  for  whom,  were  she  penniless,  she  would  have 
no  attraction  !  She  will  settle  down  in  a  wretched 
provincial  town,  while  her  husband  goes  wherever 
he  is  ordered.  For  society  she  will  have  the  inane 
gossip  of  German  women,  who  are  good  house 
keepers,  but  are  very  narrow-minded,  and  are  fear 
ful  scandal-mongers.  This  will  be  varied  occasion 
ally  by  a  trip  to  Berlin,  and  a  presentation  at 
Court.  And  you  call  this  a  brilliant  marriage  ! 
Do  you  realize  that  woman  in  Germany  is  an  infe 
rior  animal,  and  that  your  daughter  is  accustomed 
to  such  attention  as  she  will  never  receive  from 
Teutons'?"  "I  never  looked  at  the  matter  in 
that  light,"  replies  the  foolish  mother.  "  After 
all,  it  does  n't  seem  as  eligible  as  I  thought,  and 
perhaps  my  daughter  will  change  her  mind." 

With  such  a  mother  has  she  any  mind  to 
change]  These  German  officers  are  fine  partis. 
They  are  all  more  or  less  noble  ;  that  is,  they  be 
long  to  noble  families,  and,  being  in  the  army,  are 
attached  to  the  Court.  The  majority  of  them  are 
genteel  paupers,  but  are  not  permitted  to  marry 
rich  German  women  whose  families  are  mercan 
tile,  as  such  would  be  mesalliances  ;  yet  they  will 


228  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

marry  any  American  girl  with  money,  though 
every  dollar  be  made  in  trade  !  Distance  lends 
enchantment  to  the  shop.  One  would  suppose 
that  self-respect  and  decent  pride  would  prevent 
our  women  from  so  stultifying  themselves  ;  but 
the  longer  one  lives  the  more  one  becomes  per 
suaded  that  nothing  is  rarer  than  common-sense. 


A   TRAIN   OF   THOUGHT. 


PARIS,  August  2,  1872. 

EVER  go  to  Cologne  from  Paris  by  the 
night  train,  unless  you  wish  to  know  what 
misery  means.  We  barbaric  Americans 
have  an  absurd  idea  that  the  horrors  of  night-trav 
elling  ought  to  be  mitigated  by  art ;  that  com 
forts  which  induce  sleep  should  be  administered  at 
reasonable  rates  :  and  that  to  change  cars  in  the 
dead  of  night  is  to  fly  in  the  face  of  an  injured 
public.  On  the  Continent  of  Europe  no  such 
superstitions  prevail.  Besides  paying  much  more 
for  railroad  travelling  than  at  home,  you  are  ren 
dered  proportionably  uncomfortable.  Instead  of 
luxurious,  airy  palace-cars,  with  retiring-rooms  in 
which  you  can  move,  be  served  with  meals  or 
refreshments,  sold  the  latest  newspaper  or  the  last 
new  novel,  you  are  shut  up  in  the  compartment 
of  a  short  carriage,  with  three  persons  on  your 
side  and  four  persons  opposite,  with  nothing  on 


230  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

which  to  rest  your  feet,  and  with  a  back  to  }rour 
seat  which  is  so  charmingly  constructed  as  to 
throw  your  weary  head  forward  and  render  life  a 
burden.  There  is  no  ventilation,  saving  such  as 
comes  from  the  windows  and  from  small  gratings 
above  them.  If  the  weather  be  warm,  both  win 
dows  are  left  open,  everybody  is  in  danger  of 
catching  cold  from  the  draught,  and  the  four 
unhappy  wretches  facing  the  engine  are  covered 
with  dust.  Even  then  the  air  is  bad.  Should  the 
weather  be  cold,  both  windows  are  closed,  your 
feet  are  warmed  by  pans  of  hot  water,  and  you 
breathe  an  atmosphere  foul  with  poison  thrown 
off  by  human  lungs.  Then,  though  perhaps  all  the 
roads  in  England  and  some  roads  on  the  Continent 
are  better  built  and  consequently  smoother  than 
ours,  reading  is  quite  as  injurious  to  sight,  on  ac 
count  of  the  jolting  of  the  small,  light  carriages. 
Cooped  up  in  such  a  pen  with  seven  strangers, 
four  of  whom  glare  at  you,  your  vis-a-vis  generally 
being  hideous  and  given  to  such  unlimited  staring 
as  to  become  a  frightful  fascination,  with  never  a 
glass  of  water,  and  rarely  an  opportunity  to  stretch 
your  cramped  legs,  you  pursue  your  uneasy  way, 
and  curse  inventive  genius  for  not  having  discovered 
the  means  of  properly  navigating  balloons.  How 
I  have  longed  for  balloons  this  summer  !  Had  T 


A    TRAIN  OF   THOUGHT.  231 

been  as  sure  of  coming  down  as  of  going  up,  I 
should  have  confided  in  them  two  months  ago. 
And  this  reminds  me  of  a  capital  idea,  which  may 
have  originated  in  the  fertile  brain  of  Joe  Miller, 
but  which  I  heard  last  winter  at  the  Christy  Min 
strels  in  St.  James's  Hall.  It  is  the  first  time  I 
ever  heard  anything  for  the  first  time  from  the  lips 
of  a  negro  minstrel. 

Said  Bones  to  Banjo,  "  How  long  does  it  take  to 
go  to  America  \ " 

"  About  ten  days,"  replied  Banjo. 

"  0  pshaw  !   I  could  do  it  in  twelve  hours." 

"How  so?"  inquired  the  inquisitive  Banjo. 

"  The  earth  revolves  on  its  axle-tree  every 
twenty-four  hours ;  does  n't  it  ? " 

"  Yes." 

"  Well,  now,  you  see  I  'd  just  take  a  balloon  in 
Hyde  Park,  I  'd  go  up  a  little  way,  and  there  I  'd 
anchor.  I  'd  wait  twelve  hours  until  America  came 
round,  and  then  down  I  'd  drop." 

The  suggestion  is  brilliant,  the  only  difficulty 
being  how  to  anchor.  This  slight  impediment  re 
moved,  and  what  stomach  will  be  rash  enough  to 
brave  the  agonizing  swells  of  the  Atlantic  Ocean  1 
Given  a  trustworthy  helm,  and  who  will  insult  his 
humanity  by  taking  a  railroad  train  1  We  have 
been  brought  into  the  world  before  our  time.  We 


232  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

live  in  dark  ages.  We  ought  to  be  born  one  hun 
dred  years  hence.  Then  Science  will  have  an 
swered  the  questions  she  is  now  asking ;  civiliza 
tion  will  not  be  in  its  present  frowzy  condition  ; 
everybody  will  eat  with  his  fork  ;  cooking,  even  in 
England,  in  our  Western  States,  and  the  Cannibal 
Islands,  will  be  reduced  to  a  fine  art ;  coal  will  be 
abolished,  and  we  shall  draw  heat  directly  from 
the  sun ;  nothing  will  end  in  smoke,  not  even  ci 
gars  ;  women  will  have  equal  rights  and  education 
with  men,  and  society  will  not  be  the  bore  it  is  at 
present ;  everybody  will  thoroughly  know  the  bus 
iness  he  professes,  which  almost  nobody  does  at 
present ;  newspapers  will  tell  the  truth  ;  Ameri 
can  editors  will  cease  to  call  one  another  pet 
names ;  all  Europe  will  be  republican ;  Africa 
will  be  populated  with  Livingstones  and  Stanleys ; 
there  will  be  no  more  relations  in  office,  and  no 
more  Presidents  in  America  to  drive  people  mad 
every  four  years,  and  misrule  them  the  rest  of  the 
time  ;  and,  to  return  to  our  starting-point,  rail 
roads  will  only  be  used  for  the  transportation  of 
cattle  and  freight. 

Bad  as  day  travelling  is,  it  becomes  luxurious 
when  compared  with  that  of  the  night.  Europe 
sneers  at  sleeping-cars,  so  you  sit  bolt  upright,  or,  by 
paying  a  very  high  price  for  a  coupe,  you  may  be  a 


A   TRAIN  OF   THOUGHT.  233 

little  less  wretched  ;  but  as  a  coupe  holds  four  per 
sons,  and  you  are  no  better  off  in  it  than  elsewhere 
should  there  be  more  than  two  occupants,  you 
can  imagine  the  length  of  purse  required  to  as 
suage  misery.  In  going  to  Cologne  there  were 
three  of  us,  —  all  women,  —  so  we  concluded  to 
secure  a  coupe,  which  we  did  after  much  struggling 
and  paying  the  conductor  a  big  fee  to  keep  vacant 
the  fourth  seat.  This  he  promised,  assured  us 
that  the  coupe  went  through,  and  that  we  should 
not  be  disturbed  until  our  arrival  in  that  town  of 
thirty-nine  smells.  Congratulating  ourselves  upon 
the  comparative  comfort  of  our  situation,  one  of 
us  took  the  floor,  and  the  seats  were  divided  be 
tween  and  myself.  Had  I  been  three  feet 

long,  this  arrangement  might  have  answered  ;  but 
as  my  space  ended  where  my  knees  began,  I 
passed  most  of  the  time  in  inventing  impossible 
positions  wherein  to  dispose  of  superfluous  me. 
Suddenly,  and  at  all  hours,  conductors  darted 
their  heads  in  at  the  window,  and  demanded, 
"  Billets,  s'il  vous  plait."  European  conductors 
never  let  you  alone.  They  are  always  boring 
holes  in  or  tearing  oft'  your  tickets  with  never  a 
word  of  information  ;  or  if  they  give  an}*-,  you  may 
stake  your  letter  of  credit  that  it  is  wrong.  They 
hang  on  to  the  outside  of  the  carriages,  rain  or 


234  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

shine,  hot  or  cold  (the  object  of  travelling  being 
to  render  everybody  as  wretched  as  is  compatible 
with  existence),  and,  locking  you  up  in  your  pen, 
leave  you  to  die  of  fits  or  fire  unmolested. 

We  had  no  sooner  grown  somewhat  drowsy,  than 
we  were  aroused  by  the  intelligence  that  we  had 
arrived  at  the  custom-house,  and  our  luggage  was 
to  be  examined.  Now  our  luggage  had  been  regis 
tered  to  Cologne,  and  I  faintly  suggested  as 
much ;  but  the  conductor  seemed  so  corpulently 
wise  as  to  defy  argument,  and  we  sleepily  betook 
ourselves  to  the  douane.  There  we  waited  and 
waited  for  the  trunks  de  ,r  to  our  souls,  but  in 
vain.  Finally  we  made  bold  to  ask  the  cause  of 
delay,  and  were  told  what  we  knew  before,  —  that 
through-luggage  was  examined  at  Cologne.  At 
tempting  to  return  to  our  coupe,  we  were  stopped, 
turned  into  the  waiting-room,  and  forced  to  remain 
standing  until  the  door  was  opened,  which  was  not 
before  all  the  way-luggage  had  been  examined. 
On  the  Continent  you  are  always  locked  up  and 
treated  like  a  flock  of  sheep.  Do  you  marvel  that 
the  people  do  not  know  what  to  do  with  liberty 
when  they  get  it  ?  The  next  pleasing  incident 
was  being  routed  up  at  two  o'clock  in  the  morning, 
told  that  the  coupe  went  no  farther,  and  forced  to 
descend,  bags,  bundles,  and  umbrellas.  When  we 


A    TRAIN    OF    THOUGHT,  235 

remonstrated  and  claimed  the  coupe  as  ours,  the 
conductor  became  deaf,  and  said  it  went  no 
farther.  Out  we  got,  walked  about  a  dreary 
station  for  half  an  hour,  paid  more  porters  more 
money,  and  finally  secured  a  compartment  for  Co 
logne,  where  we  arrived  at  five,  A.  M.  Fourteen 
hours  en  route,  one  unjustifiable  disturbance  at  a 
custom-house,  which  in  no  way  concerned  us,  and 
a  fraudulent  letting  of  a  coupe,  which  we  were 
turned  out  of  before  reaching  our  destination  : 
if  these  pleasantries  occurred  in  America  they 
would  be  attributed  to  republican  institutions. 
The  charm  of  the  whole  thing  is,  that  there  is 
no  change  of  carriages  in  the  day  trains  over  the 
same  route.  Now,  it  really  seems  to  me  that 
Americans,  who  are  probably  more  numerous  than 
any  other  first-class  passengers,  have  a  right  to 
protest  against  such  outrages  as  those  to  which  we 
were  subjected,  and  are  justified  in  demanding  the 
adoption  of  the  American  system  of  drawing-room 
and  palace  cars.  The  change  must  be  made 
eventually ;  for  the  world  moves,  however  much 
red  tape  may  maintain  the  divine  right  of  stag 
nation  ;  and  unless  travelling  in  Europe  be  made 
easier  than  it  is  at  present,  Americans,  after  the 
novelty  of  a  foreign  trip  wears  off,  will  prefer  to 
remain  at  home. 


236  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

Then  the  fearful  charges  for  luggage  are  enough 
to  exasperate  even  so  meek  a  man  as  Moses.  Al 
though  I  have  never  journeyed  any  great  distance 
with  more  than  two  ordinary  trunks,  the  price  of 
my  luggage  has  frequently  equalled  the  price  of 
rny  ticket.  In  several  instances  on  short  routes 
the  former  has  been  in  excess.  This  ought  not  to 
be  tolerated ;  and  if  American  journals  published 
in  Europe  combine  in  an  attack  upon  the  present 
idiotic  railway  management  of  the  Old  World, 
there  may  be  a  chance  of  speedier  reform  than 
can  be  brought  about  by  any  other  means.  Dare 
to  attack  established  customs,  and  it  is  astounding 
how  soon  established  customs  give  way.  They 
only  endure  from  the  cowardly  policy  of  letting 
them  alone.  No  one,  for  example,  denies  the  ad 
vantage  of  the  American  system  of  checking  lug 
gage,  and  yet  these  old  fossils  hesitate  to  trans 
form  bad  into  good  !  It  really  is  the  duty  of 
Americans  to  make  Europe  a  region  fit  to  travel  in. 


LONDON   AND   THE   ENGLISH. 


LONDON,  August  4,  1872. 

HY  is  it  that  Americans  so  cordially  dis 
like  London  1  Probably  because  they 
know  nothing  about  it,  which  is  the 
best  of  all  reasons,  as  it  is  founded  entirely  on 
prejudice,  and  prejudice  rules  the  world.  It  was 
the  habit  of  some  Roman  dignitary,  upon  giving 
audience  to  strangers  who.  took  leave  of  him  after 
a  fortnight's  visit  to  the  imperial  city,  to  dismiss 
them  with  a  "farewell,"  while  to  those  who  bade 
him  "  good  by  "  after  a  residence  of  three  months, 
he  cheerfully  said,  Au  revoir.  His  theory, 
evolved  from  observation,  was  that  travellers  who 
remained  a  few  days  left  either  in  disgust  or 
indifference,  while  those  who  lingered  several 
months  became  enamoured,  and  always  returned. 
It  seems  to  me  that  the  Roman's  rule  will  apply 
equally  well  to  London.  Leave  here  at  the  end 
of  a  week,  and  the  English  vocabulary  is  not  rich 


238  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

enough  to  express  your  discontent.  Be  here  six 
months,  and  you  desire  to  remain  six  months 
longer.  Reside  here  a  year,  and  you  leave  reluc 
tantly,  with  every  intention  of  returning  in  the 
dim  future,  that  you  may  once  more  embrace  old 
friends.  This  is  not. the  ordinary  verdict,  because 
most  travellers  come  under  the  category  of  fort- 
nightlies ;  but  it  is  certainly  mine,  because  I  be 
long  to  the  yearlings  ;  and  it  was  certainly  Haw 
thorne's,  to  whose  book  on  England  I  have  just 
turned,  and  who,  oddly  enough,  associates  London 
with  Rome  as  I  did  a  moment  since,  when  inno 
cent  of  his  opinion.  "There  is  nothing  else  in 
life,"  writes  Hawthorne,  "  comparable  "  (in  its  way, 
of  course,  he  means)  "to  the  thick,  heavy,  oppres 
sive,  sombre  delight  which  an  American  is  sensible 
of,  hardly  knowing  whether  to  call  it  a  pleasure 
or  a  pain,  in  the  atmosphere  of  London.  The 
result  was  that  I  acquired  a  home  feeling  there, 
as  nowhere  else  in  the  world,  though  afterwards  I 
came  to  have  a  somewhat  similar  sentiment  in 
regard  to  Rome  ;  and  as  long  as  either  of  those 
two  great  cities  shall  exist,  the  cities  of  the  Past 
and  of  the  Present,  a  man's  native  soil  may  crum 
ble  beneath  his  feet  without  leaving  him  altogether 
homeless  upon  earth." 

I   have   nothing  to   say   in  defence   of  London 


LONDON  AND   THE  ENGLISH.  239 

weather.  November  is  steeped  in  a  profound 
gloom  of  yellow  fog ;  December  and  January  are 
not  much  better  ;  February,  March,  and  April  are 
brighter,  but  subject  to  east  winds  ;  May  and  June 
are  frequently  raw  and  cold ;  and  the  only  months 
upon  which  any  tolerable  dependence  can  be 
placed  are  July,  August,  and  September.  Octo 
ber  ought  to  be  fine,  but  the  worst  fogs  of  the 
season  frequently  take  place  in  this  most  beautiful 
of  autumn  months.  Fog  or  no  fog,  there  is  al 
ways  an  atmosphere  heavy  with  smoke ;  you 
breathe  as  through  a  chimney  darkly ;  "  blacks," 
totally  regardless  of  complexion,  settle  upon  your 
alabaster  brow  and  lily-white  nose,  making  dirty 
streaks  wherever  they  go.  Then  it  rains  peren 
nially  ;  or  if  it  does  not  rain,  it  threatens,  so  you 
rarely  move  without  an  umbrella.  For  pedes 
trians  to  wear  good  clothing  is  impossible.  While 
india-rubbers  are  seldom  required,  the  streets, 
eight  months  out  of  twelve,  are  in  such  a  filthy 
condition  as  to  render  finery  an  outrage  on  the 
eternal  fitness  of  things.  There  are  no  crossings, 
as  with  us ;  nobody  in  business  streets,  and  few 
elsewhere,  dream  of  sweeping  the  pavements  ;  so 
that,  although  you  are  never  up  to  your  ankles  in 
mud,  you  are  perpetually  wading  through  the 
stickiest  of  slush.  The  weather  is  never  "  hor- 


240  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

rid"  and  "awful,"  as  in  America.  It  is  alw.iys 
"nasty"  and  "beastly."  A  diamond  edition  of 
the  deluge  is  going  on  perpetually.  But  as  the 
Devil  should  ever  have  his  due,  it  must  be  remem 
bered  that  England  is  free  from  extremes.  Though, 
owing  to  the  dampness,  you  wear  as  heavy  clothes 
here  in  winter  as  at  home,  the  weather  is  never  as 
cold,  snow  is  a  rare  visitor,  and  intense  heat  almost 
unknown.  There  is  not  a  day  in  the  year  that 
you  cannot  go  out  and  row,  ride,  or  walk  to  your 
heart's  content.  This  is  something,  ay,  it  is  a 
great  deal ;  but  nothing  in  the  world  can  compen 
sate  me  for  the  absence  of  a  bright  sun  and  dry 
atmosphere.  I  like  London,  in  spite  of  its  climate. 
I  like  it  best  in  the  winter  months,  when  the 
weather  is  worst.  I  like  it  because  of  the  people. 
"  What !  out  of  the  season  !  "  Yes,  precisely 
for  this  reason.  During  May,  June,  and  July, 
which  are  called  the  season  because  extreme 
fashion  comes  up  from  the  country  to  go  to  the 
opera,  inspect  the  Royal  Academy,  and  visit  one 
another,  everything  is  topsy-turvy.  Life  is  a  suc 
cession  of  balls  and  receptions,  four  and  five  deep 
nightly.  You  see  nobody  except  for  five  minutes 
in  the  glare  of  gas-light,  for  you  no  sooner  arrive 
at  one  party  than  it  is  time  to  go  to  another.  As 
the  majority  of  London  houses  are  very  small,  and 


LONDON  AND    THE  ENGLISH.  241 

the  success  of  a  party  depends  upon  its  size,  as 
the  rule  is  to  invite  three  times  as  many  people 
as  can  be  accommodated,  there  is  a  possibility  of 
not  being  able  to  get  up  stairs,  in  which  dilemma 
you  hail  your  host;  and  hostess,  as  ships  hail  one 
another  at  sea,  by  means  of  signals.  Under  these 
circumstances,  I  do  not  call  society  satisfactory. 
It  is  a  delusion,  a  snare,  a  madness,  an  idiotic  in 
vention  of  a  barbaric  civilization,  an  unmitigated 
bore. 

This  is  London  during  the  season.  London  out 
of  season  tells  a  different  tale  ;  and,  mark  the  in 
solence  of  Fashion  !  three  and  a  half  millions  of 
people  reside  in  London  from  January  until  De 
cember,  only  taking  vacations  during  August  and 
September;  but  because  a  few  thousand  butter 
flies  appear  with  the  early  summer,  this  big, 
bustling  Babel  is  out  of  season  so  long  as  the 
butterflies  do  not  flutter  in  Hyde  Park  !  London 
out  of  season,  I  repeat,  is  most  interesting.  How 
can  it  be  otherwise  when  it  is  not  only  the  centre 
of  Great  Britain  and  Ireland,  attracting  to  it  the 
brains  and  energy  of  the  United  Kingdom,  but 
the  centre  of  the  world,  luring,  if  only  for  a 
moment,  everybody  from  everywhere1?  If,  there 
fore,  as  I  sincerely  believe,  the  proper  study  of 
mankind  is  man,  where  else  can  the  observer  so 
11  p 


242  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

readily  whet  his  curiosity,  and  revel  in  variety  of 
culture  and  intelligence'?  "  The  cream  of  external 
life  is  there,"  again  writes  Hawthorne  ;  "  and  what 
ever  merely  intellectual  or  natural  good  we  fail  to 
find  perfect  in  London,  we  may  as  well  content 
ourselves  to  seek  the  unattainable  thing  no  further 
on  this  earth." 

Almost  all  the  clever  literary,  artistic,  scientific, 
and  critical  English  men  and  women  reside  per 
manently  in  London  or  its  vicinity.  They  must 
of  necessity  be  near  the  great  market  which  de 
mands  what  they  can  supply.  These  in  them 
selves  are  one  of  the  most  magnetic  features  of 
society ;  for  what  can  be  more  attractive  to  a  cul 
tivated  person  than  a  dinner  with  Robert  Brown 
ing,  whose  conversation  is  as  entertaining  and 
varied  as  the  museum  at  South  Kensington ;  a 
visit  to  George  Eliot  and  George  Lewes, — she, 
perhaps,  the  cleverest  woman  living,  and  he  a 
really  brilliant  man ;  a  walk  along  the  Thames 
with  that  great,  contradictory,  inconceivable,  in 
tellectual  despot,  Thomas  Carlyle ;  a  matinee 
musicale  at  a  charming  house,  with  Prince  Ponia- 
towski  and  Miss  Virginia  Gabriel  at  the  piano, 
and  perhaps  Joachim  at  the  violin;  and  recep 
tions  where  you  are  sure  to  meet  Tyndall,  Huxley, 
Herbert  Spencer,  Miss  Thackeray,  and  others 


LONDON  AND    THE  ENGLISH.  243 

equally  interesting  though  unknown  to  fame  1  All 
this  one  may  obtain  before  the  Christmas  holi 
days,  and  in  February  the  assembling  of  Parlia 
ment  brings  together  whatever  there  is  of  political 
eminence  ;  and  to  my  way  of  thinking,  —  although 
I  cordially  detest  the  form  of  government,  which  is 
that  of  a  pure  aristocracy ;  although  the  House  of 
Commons  more  or  less  muddles  every  reform  it 
attempts,  —  many  of  its  members  are  the  most 
delightful  companions.  The  very  men  whose 
public  careers  are  utterly  opposed  —  from  my  point 
of  view  be  it  understood  —  to  every  principle  of 
justice,  are  charming  socially ;  and  while  we  fight 
the  moment  politics  becomes  the  subject  of  con 
versation,  we  never  cease  to  be  good-natured. 
We  find  so  many  topics  upon  which  to  sympathize 
as  to  tolerate  each  other's  failings  (for  of  course  I 
am  thought  as  mad  as  I  consider  them  wrong- 
headed  and  obstinate),  and  the  acquaintances  of 
an  hour  become  the  stanch  friends  of  a  lifetime. 
Then,  when  I  meet  an  advanced  English  liberal,  I 
embrace  him  (metaphorically)  on  the  spot,  seeing 
no  difference  between  him  and  a  fine  American, 
saving  that  often  he  is  more  cultivated,  and  there 
fore  more  after  my  own  heart.  Of  course  these 
specimens  are  rare,  but  when  found  they  should 
be  treasured  ;  for  I  really  know  nothing  nobler  in 


244  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

humanity  than  an  unprejudiced,  radical,  first-class 
English  gentleman.  His  respect  for  woman  is  not 
outdone  by  the  most  chivalrous  American,  al 
though  he  may  be  less  demonstrative  in  those 
little  attentions  to  which  we  are  accustomed ; 
his  belief  in  women's  capacity  is  not  exceeded  by 
that  of  George  William  Curtis  ;  and  his  friendly 
feeling  toward  America  is  so  frank  and  so  opti 
mistic  as  to  make  you  tremble  lest  he  may  decide  to 
cross  the  Atlantic  and  discover  that  we,  too,  have 
our  plague-spots.  The  world  does  not  often  hear 
of  this  type  of  Englishman ;  but  he  exists  :  other 
wise,  how  could  I  know  him  1 


EUROPEAN  VERSUS  AMERICAN  WOMEN. 


LONDON,  August  5. 

NE  day  more,  and  my  stay  in  Europe  will 
be  over.  One  day  more,  and  I  shall  be 
pacing  the  singularly  unstable  deck  of 
that  most  untrustworthy  and  restless  of  animals, 
an  Atlantic  steamer.  I  am  glad  and  sorry  :  glad 
to  be  going  home,  glad  to  once  more  take  up  the 
thread  of  an  active  existence ;  sorry  to  leave 
friends  that  I  may  never  meet  again.  Europe  is 
very  interesting.  In  fact,  if  you  have  money,  it 
is,  in  some  respects,  fascinating.  If  you  possess 
nice  tastes,  it  is  delightful  to  be  in  the  focus  of 
culture,  realizing  that  you  are  obtaining  the  best 
that  the  world  affords.  If  you  love  art,  it  is  a 
comfort  and  a  perpetual  study  to  be  within  seeing 
distance  of  famous  galleries.  If  you  love  music, 
it  refreshes  the  soul  to  hear  the  greatest  masters, 
not  occasionally,  as  in  America,  but  daily,  should 
you  desire  it.  If  you  love  society,  your  money 


246  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

will  enable  you  to  obtain  it.  Your  appointments 
will  be  comme  il  faut  ;  entertaining  will  be  easier 
than  at  home,  in  consequence  of  trained  servants ; 
your  groom  will  know  his  business ;  saddle-horses 
will  be  thoroughly  broken  ;  the  roads  over  which 
you  ride  and  drive  will  have  the  smoothness  of  a 
thousand  years  of  travel.  Be  a  cultivated  Amer 
ican,  with  plenty  of  money,  and  Europe  affords 
luxuries  that  a  young  country  cannot  furnish, 
although  in  the  material  comforts  of  housekeeping 
the  Old  World  can  in  no  way  compare  with  the 
New.  Be  a  cultivated,  rich  American,  with  no 
regard  for  aught  but  self,  with  a  contempt  for  the 
people  and  a  disbelief  in  republican  institutions, 
and  of  course  you  11  prefer  this  side  of  the  Atlan 
tic  to  the  other.  Be  a  cultivated  American,  loving 
your  country,  not  so  much  because  it  is  your 
country  as  because  you  realize  that  it  is,  after  all, 
the  most  enlightened  of  countries,  offering  the 
greatest  good  to  the  greatest  number,  allowing  a 
freedom  of  thought  and  action  quite  foreign  to  the 
genius  of  older  nations,  and  you  will  never  call 
Europe  "  home."  Europe  is  the  place  to  visit : 
America  is  the  place  to  live  and  work  in.  There 
is  the  widest  field  for  activity  and  for  intelligence, 
there  you  breathe  the  purest  air,  there  you  are 
least  trammelled  with  conventionalities,  there  you 


EUROPEAN   VERSUS  AMERICAN    WOMEN.    247 

have  the  fairest  chance  of  being  a  whole  man,  and, 
yet  more,  a  whole  woman.  As  a  woman,  I  cannot 
be  too  grateful  to  those  stern  Puritans  who,  in  the 
Mayflower,  braved  the  dangers  of  an  almost  un 
known  sea.  The  more  I  think  of  their  courage, 
the  more  I  respect  them  ;  the  more  I  think  of 
their  effect  upon  civilization,  the  more  I  rejoice  at 
being  born  after  their  advent.  If  you  are  a 
duchess,  or,  what  is  almost  the  equivalent,  an 
American  woman  of  wealth  and  position,  Europe 
will  give  you  so  much  as  to  cause  the  unthinking 
to  ask,  "  What  more  would  you  have  ]  "  Go  below 
the  highest  classes,  and  the  reverse  of  the  medal 
is  soon  seen.  Say  what  they  please,  woman  as 
woman  is  not  respected  here.  Be  a  grande  dame, 
and  you  are  courted,  admired,  treated  with  defer 
ence,  because  you  are  a  grande  dame.  You  go 
about  with  carriage  and  footmen,  which  para 
phernalia  denote  position  or  power.  Go  about  on 
your  two  feet,  and  you  will  soon  discover  that  to 
be  a  woman  is,  on  the  Continent,  outside  of  Ger 
many,  to  be  an  object  of  insulting  interest,  a  crea 
ture  whom  no  man  is  bound  to  respect.  In  Ger 
many  men  do  not  insult  women  :  they  simply 
regard  them  as  inferiors.  Women  carrying  the 
heaviest  loads  while  husbands  are  comparatively 
free  from  burdens,  or  women  yoked  with  dogs  or 


248  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

cows,  is  no  uncommon  spectacle.  In  France, 
though  women  are  the  more  industrious  half  of 
the  population,  though  they,  as  a  rule,  are  cleverer 
than  the  men,  though  they  show  the  greater  ap 
titude  in  managing  business,  men  speak  of  them 
lightly,  and  see  in  them  probable  or  possible  fi.lles 
dejoie.  I  have  a  very  great  regard  for  French 
women  ;  I  don't  believe  them  to  be  naturally  cor 
rupt  ;  and  regenerated  France  will  mean  a  proper 
appreciation  of  women,  according  to  them  that 
equality  which  is  their  due.  Of  Frenchmen,  the 
less  said  the  better.  There  are  noble  exceptions 
who  prove  that  corruption  is  more  a  fashion  than 
a  necessity  ;  and  when  women  are  strong  enough 
to  dictate  terms,  Americans  will  readily  sympa 
thize  with  this  same  abused  France.  I  don't 
mean  shop-keeping  or  Imperial  France,  mind  you. 
Both  are  beyond  redemption. 

The  great  comfort  of  America  is  that  a  woman  is 
not  always  made  to  feel  her  sex.  She  really  is 
allowed  to  exist  as  a  human  being,  not,  unfortu 
nately,  with  all  the  liberty  of  a  man,  but  still  with 
so  much  more  than  elsewhere  as  by  comparison  to 
be  free.  In  Europe,  I  never  lose  the  sense  of  sex. 
You  will  be  told  that  it  is  highly  improper  for  a 
young  lady  to  walk  alone  in  London  ;  that  she 
thereby  subjects  herself  to  insult.  This  is  non- 


EUROPEAN   VERSUS  AMERICAN   WOMEN.     249 

sense.  For  eight  months  I  have  walked  about 
London  daily,  sometimes  going  through  the  Seven 
Dials,  and  have  never  met  with  anything  disagree 
able  ;  but  then  I  have  always  dressed  plainly,  and 
have  always  assumed  a  severe  cast  of  countenance, 
as  though  bound  on  affairs  of  state.  I  can't  say 
that  I  have  ever  enjoyed  these  walks,  on  account 
of  doing  what  no  Englishwoman  of  position  would 
dare  to  do  for  fear  of  shocking  that  amiable  person, 
Mrs.  Grundy.  There  is  little  pleasure,  either,  in 
walking  about  a  town  if  you  may  not  saunter  and 
gaze  ;  but  my  experience  teaches  me  that,  outside 
of  Paris,  which  is  incorrigible,  it  is  generally  a  wo 
man's  own  fault  if  she  is  spoken  to  in  the  street  by 
strange  men ;  and  I  heartily  wish  that,  instead  of 
immediately  adopting  European  customs,  American 
women  would  persist  in  preserving  their  own,  and 
thus  set  a  good  example  to  the  rest  of  creation. 
Unmarried  women  in  Europe  are  suppressed  to  an 
intolerable  extent.  To  me,  they  and  their  dread 
ful  maids  are  the  most  forlorn  as  well  as  the 
absurdest  of  sights.  German  and  English  girls 
have  often  come  to  me  complaining  of  their  fate, 
saying  that  it  was  wellnigh  maddening,  and  that 
they  envied  me  my  liberty.  "  But  why  not  strike 
out  for  yourselves  1 "  I  have  asked.  "  It  is  all  very 
well  to  say  '  Strike  out ' ;  but  suppose  your  parents 


250  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

won't  let  you1?  Or  suppose,  if  they  do,  all  your 
acquaintance  talk  about  you  and  take  away  your 
character  1  What  is  there  left  but  submission] 
Thank  your  stars  that  you  are  American  !  "  Wh.it 
can  one  say  in  reply  1  I  feel  sorry  for  them,  de 
plore  with  them,  and  remain  silent ;  for  it  takes 
more  than  ordinary  courage  to  brave  public  opin 
ion,  however  idiotic  it  may  be,  and  from  ordinary 
persons  you  cannot  expect  extraordinary  deeds.  I 
think  that  I  should  break  chains,  even  were  I 
European  ;  still,  I  might  be  too  cowardly.  But 
the  absurdity  of  the  whole  thing  is,  that  the  morals 
of  these  people  are  so  elastic  as  to  rather  like  in 
strangers  what  they  condemn  in  their  own  young 
women  !  To  receive,  to  entertain,  seem  to  them 
comme  il  faut  in  me.  They  come  —  men  and  wo 
men —  quickly  enough  when  asked,  and  exclaim, 
"  How  nice  ! "  Young  men  say,  "  Why  cannot 
there  be  the  same  freedom  and  friendliness  of  in 
tercourse  between  unmarried  English  men  and  wo 
men  as  in  America  ]  You  cannot  imagine  how  re 
freshing  it  is  to  enjoy  a  woman's  acquaintance 
without  fear  and  without  reproach.  The  repres 
sion  system  renders  English  girls,  if  not  stupid,  at 
least  self-conscious  and  uninteresting,  and  they  are 
simply  intolerable  as  companions  until  after  mar 
riage,  when,  if  there  be  anything  clever  in  them, 


EUROPEAN   VERSUS  AMERICAN    WOMEN.     251 

an  assured  position  and  contact  with  the  world 
brings  it  out."  This  is  what  liberal  Englishmen 
say,  because  they  are  Anglo-Saxon  and  believe  in 
women.  Of  course,  Continental  men  think  the 
freedom  of  American  women  either  immoral  or 
indelicate,  and  assert  that  if  no  evil  arises  it  is 
because  of  the  absence  of  passion  in  the  American 
race  ;  that  such  a  condition  of  society  is  absolutely 
impossible  in  France.  I  know  of  no  more  hot- 
blooded  people  than  the  Southerners  of  our  own 
country.  I  deny  that  Americans,  North  or  South, 
are  cold.  The  great  difference  is,  not  one  of  race, 
but  of  custom  and  education.  I  do  not  think  that 
American  men  are  naturally  better  than  other 
men ;  Heaven  knows  the  majority  of  those  who 
visit  Paris  are  not.  They  happened  to  be  born  in 
a  more  enlightened  hemisphere  and  are  surrounded 
by  purer  influences  ;  that  is  all.  While  the  learned 
professors  of  Harvard  University  are  shaking  their 
wise  heads,  and  denying  the  possibility  of  admit 
ting  girls  to  their  classes,  predicting  all  sorts  of  hor 
rible  results  from  the  association  of  the  sexes,  Ober- 
lin  and  Antioch  Colleges  in  Ohio,  and  Michigan 
University,  demonstrate  by  practical  experience 
how  utterly  foolish  are  these  mediaeval  nightmares. 
What  Cambridge  is  to  the  West,  Europe  is  to 
Cambridge.  .  The  East  seems  to  be  a  synonyme  for 


252  AMERICANS  ABROAD. 

whatever  is  retrograde.  Wyoming  Territory  sets 
an  example  to  States  founded  before  it  was  dreamed 
of. 

Education  being  what  it  is,  therefore,  I  am  not 
attracted  to  Englishwomen,  married  or  unmar 
ried.  English  women  generally  will  not  compare 
favorably  with  American,  but  there  are  excep 
tions  greatly  to  the  advantage  of  England.  We 
have  had  no  poet  equal  to  Mrs.  Browning,  no 
novelist  approaching  George  Eliot,  no  scientist 
the  peer  of  Mrs.  Somerville,  no  actress  like  Mrs. 
Siddons.  There  are  a  few  women  in  society 
far  more  cultivated  than  any  leading  women  of 
fashion  in  America ;  but  when  this  is  said,  all 
is  said.  Englishwomen  as  a  class  are  dead  to 
vivacity,  tact,  taste  in  dress,  the  art  of  pleasing, 
everything  approaching  fascination  and  general 
intelligence.  In  these  qualities  American  women 
outshine  all  others,  and  in  beauty  their  superiority 
is  universally  acknowledged.  But  the  exceptional 
Englishwomen  are  very  interesting,  and  I  have 
found  friends  here  among  my  own  sex  that  I  leave 
with  deep  regret,  knowing  that  I  shall  ne'er  look 
upon  their  like  again.  Englishwomen  are  some 
times  beautiful ;  then  they  are  extremely  so  ;  but 
the  beauty  is  much  more  frequently  statuesque 
than  picturesque.  There  is  an  absence  of  mobility 


EUROPEAN    VERSUS  AMERICAN    WOMEN.     253 

of  feature  and  variety  of  expression  that  renders 
them  less  attractive  than  they  otherwise  would  be. 
Indifference  and  listlessness  of  manner  are  consid 
ered  high  stylo,  when  with  us  they  would  be 
regarded  as  a  defect  in  breeding.  To  try  to 
please  everybody,  is  democratic ;  to  be  indifferent 
to  everybody  is  aristocratic  :  consequently,  Amer 
icans,  men  and  women,  are  the  best  bred  people  in 
the  world.  I  say  this  thoroughly  aware  of  the 
extraordinary  specimens  who  often  visit  Europe, 
in  some  instances  making  it  their  home,  and  of 
the  absence  in  the  majority  of  that  extreme  polish 
inherited  by  a  percentage  of  the  upper  classes  of 
England.  Unpolished,  the  Englishman  is  a  boor, 
and  the  Englishwoman  a  boor. 

Take  us  for  all  in  all,  we  have  the  best  of  it, 
and  to  that  best  I  return  with  grateful  delight. 
With  all  its  faults,  our  Republic  is  the  hope  of  the 
world. 


Cambridge  :  Printed  by  Welch,   Bigelow,  &  Co. 


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